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| Honesty in a Rant |
I have this theory about honesty. Call me crazy, apparently everyone else does, but I just think that in some situations, honesty is the best policy. I have a history of being faced with silence and ignored, rather than honesty. And frankly, I'd rather be told the truth than be ignored or dropped without a word.
I apologize for the rant that I feel coming, mostly because it will make very little sense to anyone but me...
I'll never understand why you treated me like that. Pretend I'm nothing, that I'm no one, and that I'm not even worthy of being your friend. What is so wrong with me that makes not even good enough to be your friend. Don't tell me one thing and then act another. Don't tell me I'm gold, if I'm trash. I can handle the truth. I can handle being nothing, and I can handle being trash...what I can't handle is being told I'm gold and then be thrown away like I'm trash. I wouldn't have changed a thing. I would have done it all the same. From the beginning. If you'd been honest, we weren't friends, we never were going to be...I still would have done everything that I did. I still would have treated you like a friend. It wouldn't have mattered to me. I never asked you for anything. I never wanted anything. I did it because I wanted to. I was nice to you, and I helped you - and it wasn't for anything in return...I wanted to. And I don't even exist to you anymore. Don't tell me that we're friends and then just stop wanting to talk to me without a word...ignoring my emails, my texts...don't tell me that the only thing that matters is the friendship and then drop off the face of the earth. We weren't friends - and that's fine. But why lie about it? Why use me until I'm no longer useful. I would have still been your friend, I would have still helped you, and still been nice to you, and still given you everything I gave you...I just would have known what to expect. I still think of you as a friend, even though you'll never even think of me. You could have been honest. I would have accepted the truth - I will always accept the truth. It's the silence - the not knowing, the never knowing, the constant wondering - it's horrible. Silence leaves room for hope. And there is no hope. But if you say nothing, if you don't tell me the truth, how can I ever know? How can I ever let go of the hope? I can't. Why couldn't you just be honest? You could still have used me until I was no longer useful. I half suspected anyway. Don't tell me I'm gold, don't tell me I'm wonderful, don't tell me that I'm one of a kind, and then vanish like I never existed. You said once that we were alike. We aren't alike. I have more tact than you. I have more understanding of emotions and feelings than you. And I wouldn't have faked it. I wouldn't have lied to get what I wanted and then thrown you aside. I wouldn't have done what you did.
I'm not better than you. I'm not better than anyone. And maybe I'm not worthy of being your friend...and that's fine. But what you did was still wrong, and it still hurts, and the only thing that hurts worse is that I could tell you...I could tell you how much you hurt me and I could tell you everything that you did that was wrong - and you'd never see it, you'd never understand, and you'd never respond anyway. So what's the point.
And I've suddenly lost my entire train of thought as to what I was writing...honesty.
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