(footnote) This is a long story about nothing.. Just about me.. stuff I wanted to write down for me,, not really for any one else. If you want to read it, go ahead.. but it is really long.. and might not make much since to you.)

Back from my Cruise with my husband.  Not the best time but wasn't that bad either. As soon as we got on the boat Aunt Flo showed up. I could of done without her.  The first 2 days, I didn't feel very good. I was not sick,, just that time of month of not feeling good.

This was our 6th cruise. I really enjoy going on cruises, But this time, I did not enjoy myself at all. I was going off my anti. D. pill. So I could feel the sadness coming back. One night when I was not feeling very well, we had gone to the "not so newlywed game" One of our favorite things to watch. Have always wanted to get pick.  This time they did it different.

They always ask for the Newlyweds.. the one who JUST got married, That is couple number 1. 

They ask for a couple who has been married for at least 50 years or more.  They try to get the oldest couple. That is couple number 3. 

For the middle age group they ask for 20 to 35 years. We have always raised our hand,, but like I said they did it different this time. They had all the couple to stand up and start kissing.. but you could do more then that but there were kids in the room so you had to keep it clean. I don't know why we even brother standing up. I know that the only thing we would do is kiss.. and we didn't even do that.. we were  talking to each other. The couple who got pick,, I didn't get to see them but found out they were going at it.
 
Oh how I would love to be that couple,, to have what they have. . Some of the question and answer they gave,,, well I just wish I / We had that kind of relationship. But we don't and won't every have.

Now I am really sad. Here we are on vacation, just the two of us, I can't get him to hold my hand, to walk beside me,, he is always two feet in front of me. 

Over the years I have tried to tell him what I want in bed. Have taken his hand and show him how I want him to run his hand over my body.. how fast or how slow,,, light or ruff.. I have show him this I don't know how many times.. but the next time,, he will have forgotten.. made me sad.. I just give up.


On the boat,, was no different then being at home. Since Aunt Flo was there.. he treated me the same way.. 
He does not touch me during that week. He doesn't think he does this.. but I notice it.  I think I have some kind of monster on my back the way he does not look or touch me during that week.
And it was the same on the boat, I had to ask for sex the whole time we were on the boat. I had to grab his hand when we were walking,, I had to slow way down for him to notice that I was walking really far behind.

Why,, Can't I have what other couple have. I want to be at home all day with the
"Can't wait for him to come home from work"
Now it
"Damn,, he will be home soon."

I want every kiss to feel like a first..
I want to melt every time.
I want to feel the heat every time he touches me.
I want to see fireworks every time we make love.

Now I feel like I am kissing my brother.
I feel yuck when he lays a hand on me.
I try to see other guys in my head when we have sex just so I don't have to look at him.

I want more. I want to be able to leave my vibrator at home.. just be able to use it once in a while. not every Fucking time.

What have I done or have not done? What can I do to change this? I blame him.. it is easier that way.
I am the more sex then he is.
I want it more then him...
but When it is Hubby who I have a choice of..., then I choose just to have sex by myself.

I know he loves me,, he tells me everyday.. But I wish he could show it.. saying it is easy.. Hell, I even can say it.. so It must be easy.

On our way home from the Cruise, I needed to stop off at the pottery store to get some stuff. It is an hour out of our  way of just a 3 hour drive. so not too bad. I looked up their wed site to make sure they were going to be open that day. But hubby keep wanted me to call them. I could not understand why. (4th of July weekend) We get there and Yup they are closed. But I am not sure why. They had a car drive though there building but had been patch. Hubby was mad. " I told you to call them!!"  If I had I would of just asked are you open on Thursday?  I am sure they would of said yes.. Not sure they would of said.. yes.. but not this Thursday"  Any way.. I told him I was sorry.. Made me mad that he had to do this on our last day together. But this is so like him. Plus he was mad because of how long it took us to get off the boat.. but he keep saying he wasn't in any hurry..

So now I am setting in the car... all sad, mad.. lonely. Wishing I had more to my life. All I have done for the last 3 days is cry..  Here we go again. Now I know why I went on the Anti D pill in the first place. How I hate those pills.

I guess  on Monday I will be making some phone calls to find a counselor. I don't want to go down that road again. I went to one in AR.. I just loved him.. but all in all.. he wasn't much help.. he would just listen. I really need more then that this time.

The more I get to thinking about all of this. I sometime wonder if my weight isn't effect by all this sadness that I have carried around most of my life.. I see other woman and how they talked about there husband.. and how skinny they are. I used to be skinny. Then I had kids. (just 2)  But they seem so happy in there life. I wonder if it plays a part. I really don't eat that much. I know I don't eat right. I used to work out 2 hours  a day when I lived in AR. for about 6 years I did this. Never lost any weight. Now, living here MS.. I have not worked out in 6 months. still eat the same.. have not lost or gain. (which is good I guess) But shouldn't that tell me something.

I am not a smart person. Even on this cruise,, It made me sad at how UN-smart I am. Hubby keeps telling me he just carry around this useless stuff in his head, trying to make me feel better. But you know what.. He has played 4 trivial games on Cruise ships and won each one.  On this Cruise was no different. He played the big trivia game.. won.. he then played some small ones where I can help him.. He won.. I might of gave him one or 2 answers out of 20 or 40 questions. But I can't play those.  I can't win at any thing.  I tell people that I am good at a lot of stuff..... oil painting.. pottery..knitting... but I'm not Great at one thing.
For just once I would love to stick out in the crowd.. So people can see what a wonderful person I am.

Make me sad again at how dumb I am. And I hate to use that word. (since I was called that some many time in school)  But not
so- smart does not work.

There is so much wrong with me.  I can't remember stuff, like my husband and daughter. They can remember stuff that happen so long ago.. the year.. where we were.. etc. I am doing good to remember my families birthdays.  I have to try real hard to remember the year my kids were born.. how much they weighted..etc.  I can't tell you how old they were when they started walking.. what their first words were.. what kind of baby they were..etc. I don't know if this is part of having Dyslexia, I know mostly Dyslexia is a person who can't spell. Which I can't. But not sure about remembering stuff. But if you put the two together... You do have to remember how to spell a word.. And I can't remember much in this small brain of mine.. so I have to have space for important stuff.

I start talking to people about places I have been to.. We have travel to  41 states ( I am guessing on that part). I can't tell you where I have been or when. I can tell you some of the places but not where they are at. It really make me sad at how little I know.  Just remembering every day stuff is hard. I am only 43. I don't have all Alzheimer's. I have been like this all my life.

You know the more I write,, the more sad  I become. I really don't like my life. NO!! I will not kill myself. so don't worry about that. I am not that bad.

I just wish I had more.  I really don't like being sad all the time. I was sad back in AR.. I am ever more sad in MS. I was sad in AR.. over my marriage.. now you can add.. have no friends here, away from my parents.. etc.

What will it take to make me happy?