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whack!!!

I never normally would think of writing on this. But a googled I hate my life, and some ones page came up because I guess they wrote that in theirs, so I thought writing on here would be a good idea, and people can give me advice and whatever.

Anyway, right now, for some reason, I really feel like I've hit rock bottom. I mean, I know things could be a lot worse, and other people have it a lot worse, and maybe I have felt this bad before. I feel like I'm so stuck and keep making things worse and worse for myself. People reading this may think this sounds so stupid and petty, but whatever, I don't.

I'm a freshman in college, and up until after spring break, everything was pretty well. Could be better, because I still always have had a habit of doing drugs and getting much more fucked up than I could ever want to. But, whatever, that's besides the point right now because that has been an issue since I was 15.

I just feel like I sabotage anything that has any potential to be good for me. Last year (surprisingly to me) I was accepted into every school I applied to. I chose the one I liked the best, and for some reason when I went I felt like I didn't even deserve to be there. I never worked hard in high school, I always skipped class and days of school to smoke weed, or to be with my boyfriend who treated me like shit. I promised myself that when I got to college I would work harder and focus more on school than my social life. I even told myself I would stop smoking weed.

Obviously, that didn't happen. My GPA last semester was a 2.0. I'm starting to think I'm just stupid. But, part of me knows the truth; that if I worked harder I could do better. I mean, I'm here for a reason, right? I go to my classes though, and I listen and get NOTHING out of it. But I know so many people think I'm dumb, and I kind of think I've made myself stupider from smoking so much and (I think occasionally) doing other drugs , but I'm starting to realize that my usage, to most people, would be classified as more than occasionally. I'm not the type of person who fiends for drugs, and I don't really LOOK for it, which is why I've never seen it as a problem. But, it's like, no matter where I go, drugs are there. And when they're there, I can't say no. Is everyone around drugs all the time, or is it just the people I always end up hanging out with?

The other thing is relationships, I hateee being alone. Well, I think most people do, but I hate it soo much. As soon as I walk into my dorm room and I'm by myself I go from being in a great mood to a horrible mood. My whole attitude changes as soon as I'm by myself. Anyway, as a result of that, I like to ALWAYS have a boyfriend. And if I don't, then I need a good friend that I can fuck with when I want. I wish I could be happy by myself, but I can't. I used to be really slutty. Most people are really slutty their freshman year in college, but for me it was my freshman year in high school. I've definitely had sex with more guys than most people, but the majority of the people I've been with was when I was 14, 15, and 16.

My junior and senior years of high school, I had a boyfriend, and that was the worst situation ever. I would do ANYTHING for that kid. The problem was, he's even more fucked up than I am. It was such a bad relationship, I don't even want to get into that whole thing. I was "in love" with him, but if that is really what love is, I never, ever want to do it again. He was so mean to me, I could tell the most ridiculous stories. I never stood up for myself until one day I started fighting back. Still, after every fight, I would forgive him.

So, like I was saying before, I wanted to completely change myself when I got to college, because obviously, it was a perfect time for me to start over. I met guy who is the complete opposite of my ex. But, for some reason, I ended up taking out all my anger on him. I really like him, but I totally ruined it. On St Patrick's day, I got really drunk and took a zanex and hooked up with a guy who's pledging his fraternity. He got mad and called me a whore, and I hate being called a whore, so I wrote on his facebook that his dick never gets hard because he's always blowing lines, even though he's only done coke twice. I don't know why I would do that! All of a sudden, I just can't control my anger. We were just starting to talk again, and then I was drunk at a party last weekend and got mad at him for some reason and spilled so much beer and jungle juice on his head and he carried me out of the party. So, now him, and all his friends (who are also my friends) think I'm a bitch and the ones that I'm not friends with are so mean to me. I shouldn't even care but I do because I hate being alone. I know there's nothing I can do to make this kid want to talk to me ever again. Why would I fuck up like that though, when everything was going so well with that!!? Like, why can't I let myself be happy?

In addition to this, I didn't study for a test I had friday and my friend let me copy his and now my teacher emailed us both saying she wants to talk to us tomorrow morning! It was a multiple choice math test, so, there's not much she can prove, but I'm sooooo nervous right now.

I really don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I have so many good opportunities, but all I do is I make everything such a mess. I feel like I'm just such a bad person. All I want is to be happy and I can't even do that. And the weird part is, all I want is other people to be happy too. And I've always been good at making other people happy, but lately I feel like all I do is bring everyone around me down too.

Can someone give me advice. Be honest, but please don't be mean.

Posted by byrdie on 2008-04-06 14:13:53 | Rating:

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		hey..its not other people who can be mean to you...but babes its you whose being mean to yourself.its like everytime life gives you a new lease you just dont value it.and plzz dont hate yourself..you just need to mend your ways in dealing with people especially guys-maintain that class and see the change in the attitude of the fellas around you.as far as drugs go-i think you got it-its the company with which you hang around creates a havoc.but the best part here is that you dont long to smoke up!soo just get up and start finding ways to mend your life.give a damn to people who dont value you.but dont get nasty with ones who know ur worth..think bout it..tc
Posted by Thinkin on 2008-04-11 07:54:08