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I’m watching some odd movie that really sums up my career with women; piss poor luck and the fact that I tend to discover some really fucked up women. I use to think that I was the one who was fucked up, but in an odd twist, I think that I’m half way normal. But that is besides the point of this rant. I find it utterly amusing how women get attached to guys rather easily. Maybe this is a human wide thing, at least in concern to how we all at some point get attached to someone in a romantic sense, but maybe it is because I am a guy that I notice it more so with women. Yes, I do notice with guys, but they don’t make it obvious I guess (well some of them). I know people that can’t let go of something that happened 3 years ago for the love of God. Why the hell is this?

The best example that I can think of occurred roughly 2 years ago or so. A friend of mine broke up with his lady friend of around a year, give or take. I am also familiar with his ex lady friend as well (i.e. the dynamics of the relationship, which was basically a lot of bitching and moaning). Never the less, I was manning phone calls every night from 3-6AM for what seemed like months, but in actuality was probably a few weeks. I’m not complaining about that, I was glad to listen, as he is indeed my good friend. But the guy was acting like he had been married to her for 30 years; I found this absolutely mind boggling. Yeah, I know “love hurts,” but I thought he would get the hell over it. I don’t think he is to this day.

This is just an example to illustrate my point. A concrete example would be someone who keeps going back to someone or obsessing about that other person for what seems like forever. I simply just do not get it? I don’t think that I have ever been that obsessed with another person in a romantic sense. That is, I don’t believe that I have truly ever “loved” somebody. Call me picky or one that lacks the capacity to truly love, I don’t really care much anymore. I know, I know, it takes others longer to find that “special someone.” In a sense, maybe love is simply attachment (I don’t think you’ll find that in any dictionary). I wonder if attachment between people is similar to the attachment that some have for inanimate objects?

I seem like a Ferrell child or something, at least that’s what I garner from what I’ve written thus far. One theory though, that I do have on attachment is that some of us get attached for good or for bad because we fear being alone. I’m not talking about sitting in a room by yourself, but in an emotional sense. I’ve noticed that a lot of people need this “security blanket” of sorts; they can’t go a week without having some sort of significant other or fuck buddy. I’ve never really needed that. I’m so emotionally distant from the world it isn’t even funny; I’ve become pretty damn numb to it all; that and the fact that I don’t have a lick of dignity left. It is probably half of the reason why I don’t really drink that much anymore. I use to drink like a fish when I wasn’t numb because frankly any chance I took hurt like hell.

I’m aware that the human body can build up a tolerance to pain and I’m positive that we can build up a tolerance to “emotional pain.” I figure that is where I’m at currently; about any woman out there could shit on me and I wouldn’t even blink. I feel as if I am sitting stationary in the middle of a merry-go-round anymore, if you can imagine that; or if I’m in a movie of sorts. I probably sound depressed and I know I was for awhile over the past few months due to cumulative shit luck, but I’m over that; I got over it by shutting down that part of me. In a way I kind of like it; I like not giving a rat’s ass about chasing tail. Maybe this is what I need right now, but then again, will I ever have the courage to turn it back on when the time is right?