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Fork in The Road

My favorite movie is entitled “The Family Man,” starring Nicholas Cage and Tea Leoni. If you have never seen the movie, I recommend that you do. The plot line of the flick entails Jack Campell (Cage) glimpsing at the life he would’ve had if he had stayed with his then girlfriend (Leoni). At the time of this “glimpse,” Cage’s character is a highly successful Wall Street executive living the life that one can only dream about. Yet, a chance meeting between Cage’s character and an “angel” played by Don Cheadle forces Cage’s character to consider what would’ve been and what he truly needed in life. What would you rather be, the highly successful Wall Street executive or the “family man?” It is the proverbial fork in the road.

If one cannot tell from my last little rant, I am rather interested in these types of paradoxical storylines. Some call them regrets, but I try and gauge the substance of these paradoxes. The plotline from the movie is “what if,” but again, that is a question that many of us probably ask ourselves daily, including myself. But what’s done, is done. No, tonight I am more concerned with addressing a common question that I struggle with, especially at this stage of life: what kind of life do I want? For many of us, that decision is made subtly and we are thrust into a life that essentially is based upon a major or a few circumstances. Me on the other hand, well as of right now, I do have a choice in what direction I take, but it is indeed a hard choice.

I once asked my father if he would’ve preferred to live his life out the way he did before he met my mother or if he preferred the life that he had now. He obviously chose “answer b” probably because it was I who was asking him. But then again, I guess you have to live the life of a “family person” to truly appreciate the supposed joy that it gives a person. I am rather unsure if I want to go down the path of becoming a “family man.” At this current juncture in my life I do not have any kids or a girlfriend for that matter, so it is fair to assume that my responsibilities are minimal; I can travel the entire horizon if I wish. When I complete graduate school, I will be within the top 8% of the world’s population in terms of education completed, so a life of comfort and such is well within my grasp.

I’m sure a lot of us out there have said that we would never get married and have kids, but yet, circumstances change and we end up travelling down the opposite path that we envisioned. I think the question that we all have to ask ourselves is what truly makes me happy? Right now I do not know what makes me genuinely happy except for maybe a few material items and the current relationships that are a strong part of my life. Also at this age the one thing that makes me happy is the freedom that I have. As stated earlier, I do not have anything tying me down; I do as I please and I like it. Yet there is a small part of me that craves companionship, love, and such. But in a logical sense, I know that it isn’t the right time for that portion of life to begin. But yet, I ask myself if I ever want it to begin?

Humans have a tendency to make animals and inanimate objects anamorphic in order to help explain complex things. All of us are complex whether we realize it or not and I am no different. Anyone who is familiar with me is aware that I have an odd fascination with cats. No, I don’t live like any old lady with 1000’s of cats around me. What fascinates me about the animals is how I relate to them in terms of how I live. In a sense, I live like a cat: solitary, mysterious, nocturnal, etc… All cats (not just fluffy who sleeps on your bed) live like ghosts, staying in the background until the time is right, striking, and falling back into the natural ebb and flow of the world around them. I enjoy living like a ghost, as I am not vulnerable; I control my life and fate for that matter.

What scares me about possibly letting myself out into the open say, like a buffalo or a deer is that I become vulnerable. When we get married, have kids, and the such; we all become vulnerable. It isn’t just about “me” anymore, it is about others. Call me selfish, but I do not know if I ever want to do that. It is a horrifying proposition for a person used to being self sufficient and solitary. Maybe that is why, at least at a subconscious level that I avoid getting into anything “serious” with women or getting close to people in general. As I’ve said before, it doesn’t feel safe. I have no problem stepping outside of my comfort zone, but in the case of life in general, stepping out can mean stepping our permanently.