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| Practice for having a baby |
The biggest challenge of my pregnancy thusfar seems to be the horrible bouts of constipation. You can barely walk without your bottom feeling like its Thanksgiving and two children are going to split the wishbone down the middle, each hoping for the bigger half. I am not to crazy about this particular symptom, however, I am slowly relearning the art of moving my bowels.
Its horrible, you are in bed with your other half, after four days of complaining that you can't even fart, let alone get anything solid out, and you rip wind that would cause a tidal wave, and all your significant other can do is smile and say "Good job, baby!"
Good job? Really?
Yes, you have been brought down to be congratulated on your farts. Its like you are five years old and you made a picture by pouring paint on a piece of paper, and Mommy framed the beautiful "art" that strangely resembles a knee cap and finger prints. Bravo!
You then pray that the wind knocked the branches loose and you just might be able to squeeze something out that itty bitty hole that resides in a crack. You waddle into the bathroom, pull down your panties and hope to God the misery ends. You then lift your tush off of the seat, place one foot up and make a face so disturbing that Marilyn Manson might mistake you for family. The pressure is awful, so you change positions.
You start thinking of the other people who live in your house, wondering what they are thinking when they hear you saying "Come on baby, you can do it! Your so close, just a little more!", as you have your body inventing new yoga positions.
The pressure increases in your lower back and you know its going to be a big one! You are excited, and already practicing breathing techniques for labor. Just as you are bracing yourself, similar to a swimmer about to start her race, the pressure is unbarable, but you push through the pain, reminding yourself that you will finally be able to sleep after this is finished. Then, you hear the 'plunk' in the water, and you smile.
Relief floods your body, as you wipe and stand up, a little shaken, as you just poured your life out of your anus. You look down. You have to see the size of this one. It has to be bigger than your head for all the pain you went through. As you gaze down at your victory turd, you become disgusted. Not at the fact that you are looking at a piece of poop, but rather at the fact that you felt like you just gave birth and the damn thing as smaller than a quarter. But don't you worry. Another quarter will be arriving in a few days.
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Posted by bugaboo227 on 2009-10-30 12:34:39 | Rating: | Views: 10
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