Thoughts.com Blogs - When the World turns its back....

It's hard to live a life when everything counts against you. You live so many years of your life wondering why it's so darn difficult to be happy, why people just don't want to be your friend, how you are going to survive living with your parents.......and then to grow up and find out everything was counting against you.

I've been taking an intro to psych class and have been learning a lllllllllooooooooot of things about myself and those around me. I couldn't understand why I was such a perfectionist, why it was soooo hard to be happy, why I just couldn't keep friends (or I make it so difficult for people to be my friend). Everything we have been learning, I've learned that I am always part of that percent that is low and very uncommon. Now what? I have it so jammed in my head that I'm screwed up that I can't even TRY and believe that my life WILL turn out for the better and that one day I WILL be happy. I believe so hard that I am in the minority with big issues that rarely are solved. I'm going to be a psychologist when I get out of college and my motto is going to be, " I help many people everyday, but I haven't figured out a way to help myself."

Its so easy to tell people that they need to change or that someone is doing something wrong. Its hard to hear people tell you that you are doing something wrong and critizing you. But its the hardest of all to know that you're screwing everythign up and what you need to work on and just can't find that strength to overcome it.

I hate being a perfectionist. I wish I wasn't. I need everything to be perfect and when someone screws something up I get very frustrated and irritated. I get VERY jealous ALL of the time and always wish I had more friends that actually cared about me. I wish I didn't have to work so dang hard to get a good grade and even when I study my butt off I can't get better than a B. I feel like I'm such a "good girl" that no one really cares. Everyone comes to me when they have a problem or need something done, but I turn around and have to everything myself. (well I guess that would be better for me to do everything myself due to the fact that I want things to be perfect). But I just wish I could be happy and enjoy the things they way they are NOW and have to change everything but I just CAN'T. I've tried and tried and i just fall in this hole of self-pity, doubt, uselessness, and worthlessness.

What do I do? There's so much I could do, but you see....the point is.....I DON'T CARE.....I don't WANT to try and get better, I don't want to have to work on it, I don't want to get off my lazy butt and do something about it, I don't want to keep giving everyone another change for them to screw it up again, I don't have the motivation to do anything and I sure don't have the mind set. So then what? I just sit here complaining in a blog about how horrible my life is (the way I perceive it in my brain) and go on each and every day hunched over and crabby cuz I get nothing. I want nothing and that's the way its going to be from now on. NOTHING! If I get nothing I can't complain about what I have. And if I want nothing.....I'll get nothing....and then I'll have what I want. SEE? BINGO!