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So this friend of mine.....

I have been blessed beyond measure with a friend.......such a close friend that I call her my sister. Now due to my self-pity, jealousy, stubborness, and independent nature she gets the crappy end of the stick (or if you ever saw "Some Like It Hot"....the fuzzy end of the lolly pop).

For some time now I've been living everyday seeing everything bad she does, picking apart why she does things, assuming the worst all the time, and I just don't trust her. Why don't I trust her??? Cuz it's just hard for me to trust people.......trust me......she's a VERY trustworthy person. It's hard to hear her ask at the end of the day, "Am I a bad friend?" Why does she ask me that? Cuz I'm not doing my part as a best friend/sister to remind her that she is a good friend.....and to show her that. I criticise her all the time......I make her into this horrible person when she's not. I feel bad....but I don't know how to change that. I don't have to motivation to TRY and change that.

So many times we've come to a point where I just couldn't talk to her.....I didn't want to see her.....we were so far apart I thought that was it.....and every time it was my fault, but somehow I made her the guilty one and she was always the only one saying, "I'm sorry."

Why does she stay my friend? I have NO IDEA!!! She sure is a crazy one. In communication studies we were talking about relationships and when someone feels like there is more costs than rewards they get out of the relationship.....for some time now I think that there has been more costs than rewards.....for her that is. I don't know how to love her.....how to fully trust her.....to be the friend she wants me to be. And its hard cuz one day she's telling me I'm perfect and the next day I'm making her cry. Making a friend cry DOES NOT make you good friend. I don't know how to get out of this jealousy......to stop this criticism.....to give in and just trust her cuz that's what she deserves.

So to you my friend.....consider this an "I'm Sorry" note........I'M SORRY for ever treating you like crap. For making you feel worthless and like a bad friend. For making it feel like sometimes you just want to give up. For not being that friend you deserve from me. For not trying my best and for being jealous all the time. For controlling you and trying to make you into the person I want you to be. I'm sorry for not apologizing sooner....for not loving you more.....for not trusting you more deeply.....for not talking to you about everything that goes on in my mind.....and I'm sorry for ever hurting you and making you cry. I love you as much as I can, but that's not very much. I want to change but I don't know how. I want you to know you are a good friend, but when you feel like everyone else is making it seem like you're not a good friend, its harder for me to make you see that. I'm sorry for not having my actions match my words, and I'm sorry for not giving you the best all the time. I'm sorry for ignoring your phone calls when I didn't want to talk to you, I'm sorry for running away when I didn't want to confront you, I'm sorry for leaving you behind when I didn't have the strength to carry you with, I'm sorry for making it seem like I don't care sometimes, I'm sorry for giving up on conversations when I get frustrated, I'm sorry for making fun of you about boys, you taking pics of yourself, the things you do/say, or anything else. I'm sorry for all the things I've done that I haven't told you (that I can't think of right now), I'm sorry for keeping things from you (especially the way I feel). I'm sorry for overanalyzing things and making things bigger than they are. I'm sorry for taking everything so personaly. I'm sorry for everything..........ALL the things I do EVERY day. I just need to work on it.....and all I ask of you is that you be patient with me and stop pushing me.....let me do it at my own pace.

For all you people out there that were treated like crap from a friend........(someone you THOUGHT was your friend.)...............I'M SORRY!