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| The Start Of Something New
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Today is Thursday September the 20th, I was supposed to start this on my 26th birthday which was actually two days ago. I guess Im starting off on the wrong foot all together.
Well, I won't reveal identifying details of myself while I write, but I will share some very personal things.
To start off, I have to take you back to the beginning. I was born to an alcoholic mother and a father who was considered a habitual criminal by the state (oh yeah, Im adopted by the way). I really never knew too much about my birth parents; only what the paperwork said about them. I believe I was adopted when I was 3 months old. My mother was drinking while she was carrying me in the womb, the doctors told the couple who adopted me that I was exposed to alcohol and may possibly lead to fetal alchol syndrome. I have to reveal a little bit about the couple who ended up adopting me. My adoptive father was born in 1936 and my adoptive mother was born in 1939, neither of them had children of there own. I was the youngest out of three siblings all whom were adopted. As a child, I can say I had a hard childhood, at least not until I turned 12, but one of the worst memories I have was when I was two, people say that a child really does not develop there memory until about four or five but I clearly remember this day. My father was getting me ready for bed, and I had this Sesame Street t-shirt on which I really did not want to take off. Well my father ended up beating the shit out of me, for not taking the shirt off. How does one beat the hell out of a two year old, I will never know. Anyway, other than that, I can't say my childhood was a mess (Im still not sure what happened in that instance and that was 24 years ago).
So if I can skip a few years, I wouldn't want to bore you with the simple stuff. Lets fast forward to my 6th grade year in elementary school. I just turned 12 in the beginning of the school year, I had a growth spurt that was ridiculous, I grew like 2 feet over the summer, and that year I was the biggest kid in the school.I also began to teach adult sunday school at the Methodist church I grew up in. My pastor told me there was a calling on my life to teach the word of God. I was bullied for being big, harrassed and I was always being challenged by people smaller than me. I considered myself a very smart individual, but people just always assumed because I was so big I was dumb. I never understood why people equate being big with being dumb but who knows.
I played games with people, those who thought I was dumb I played dumb and then when everything hit the fan, I would flip the script on them, and show them my brains. Anyway, that game started to get old, and I wanted to be popular, and have friends and just fit in and have as many people as possible like me. I did away with my morals, and started to conform with what other people wanted.
That means I started slipping in school and fighting, cursing, acting crazy because it's what people liked.
Acting the way I was acting stayed with me for a lot of years afterwards, let's skip another year and go into my 8th grade year in middle school. I had a lot of friends, school was a walk in the park, so my grades where actually pretty good, I had about a B average. Bottom line, this year was the beginning of the end of my life. One thing I failed to mention about my parents where not only did they adopt but they were foster parents, I lived in a FOSTER HOME, so there were kids who came in and out all the time. School started getting boring, the work was too easy. This was around the same time I started to have an interest in girls, unfortunately I had very low self esteem. I used to hear all my male friends talk about hooking up with this one, and screwing that one, and I started wondering was I the one who was left out. I didn't know, all I know is it really made me question myself, plus I started to gain a lot of weight, at this time I was probably 5'11 or 6 ft weighing about 180 and I was only 13. That winter there was a foster child who was living with us, who got adopted out of our home. Winter turned into summer and summer turned into fall.
Im starting my freshman year in highschool, I just left the church I attended, I was losing students, and as a child teaching adults, I couldn't understand why people where leaving the class I taught. Everything is pretty much as it is the year before, my older sister was a junior, and my cousin was a senior. I decided that year to play football, I figured I'd be pretty good at it so I joined the team. Needless to say, as good as I thought I was, I was stuck on the freshman squad. I played guard, for the ones who don't know what a guard does, he blocks for the quarterback and the running back. Speaking of running backs, the running back on my team was a former bully of mine from way back in the fifth grade named Reggie Melvin. Reggie was a pretty fast guy, I guess you would have to be fast if you were a pretty boy who was scared to fight.
Anyway, Reggie harrassed me in highschool, even thou it wasn't as bad as it was in elementary; he still did it. Reggie ended up turning the whole team against me, just because I didn't fit the norm. Everything was starting to go south, playing on the team was a stress, my relationship with my father was rough and I was starting to lose a lot of friends and my self esteem shot even lower, my grades weren't that good, and I was really starting to feel like a loser. Winter time came around, and some how someone convinced me to try out for the wrestling team. WOW, I found a sport I was extremely good at and not only that I got to hurt people without getting in trouble!!
The wrestling season was awesome, I wrestled on the freshman squad, but I got to go to other schools, I placed in tournaments, even won a few awards, but the greatest thing that happened my freshman year was, I beat a kid from another school who used to bully me. I pinned this kid in 25 seconds and I used to be afraid of him, it was sweet revenge to humiliate him in front of everyone the way I did. That was the beginning of a new found confidence, I figured if I could face and confront one of my bullies and overcome I could face anything, LORD I WAS WRONG!!!
The wrestling season came to an end and spring was quickly approaching, my grades started to climb back up, and I was feeling pretty good. Out of the blue my life came crashing down.
Sometime in April, I believe it was the 16th, of 1996 on a friday, my father asked me to go somewhere with him, we go to the police station, which I did not know was a police station at the time. Next thing I know we were in a room, just him and I. He turns to me and ask me do I know why I am here, I tell him no and he tells me "you'll find out soon enough"...Next thing I know a detective comes in the room and starts asking me about an assault that supposedly had taken place about a year prior. Im sitting here 14 years old, not knowing a thing. The officer takes me into a interview room by myself, and proceeds to tell me that he has proof that I assaulted someone and that if I don't admit to it, I will be spending the rest of my life in jail. Imagine yourself 14 years old, having a police officer threaten you with life in prison, never seeing your family again, never seeing your friends, not knowing what is going to happen to you. The officer begins to tell me that he can make it all go away if I just admit to the charges, after about 8 hours you start to break really bad, innocent or not. After hundreds of attempts to tell this cop I didn't know what was going on and I didn't have anything to do with nothing, I finally given up all attempts to defend myself and I broke down, and admitted guilt to something I had nothing to do with. Next thing I know I was being booked and charged.
My father bails me out and now I don't know what to do, I was mad with him because I felt like he should of protected me. As the details began to come out, I began to realize this cop was looking for a quick easy arrest to make himself look good. But it was too late for me, I ended up going to court about a year later for trial. I was told by my lawyer, and by counselers to NOT SAY A WORD ABOUT NOTHING. Why did I listen to them? I was sentenced to 2 years probabation, and Im thinking to myself, cool all of this can be put behind me. I was wrong, for the remainder of highschool, while I was on probabation, I tried to fly just below the radar, so as to stay out of trouble.
But everything was bad, no social life, I was depressed, things just were not good for me.
My senior year came around, and everything was extremely bad. I was working, and I co-oped my Senior year. I was only in school from 7:30 to about 8:30....One day on pay day, I ended up going out with two guys from my co-op class, they told me we were going out to a party, what I didn't know was they were setting me up, I had about 900 dollars in my pocket and we went over some girls house.
They ended up going out to get some weed. All I remember was waking up, in a hospital room 4 days later. Apparently what they told me was weed wasn't weed at all, but some other drug that ended up putting me in a coma for 4 days. I lost my job while I was in this coma, and when I found out I almost died, I wanted to exact revenge on those two, the took my money and left me for dead.
I got out of the hospital, and a few friends from this group I ran with heard I almost died, I told them I was going to get the two that did this to me, word got out in school that I was planning to kill the two of them (which I wasn't I was just going to beat them up) So when I finally returned back to school, teachers, principles, counselers, they were all trying to get me to open up, they searched my locker for weapons and a whole bunch of other bs...
I was pissed, one I was mad at myself because I made such poor decisions, two I was mad because I trusted two people I should not have trusted, and three, no one knew how angry and upset I was.
Now I took a whole new stand on trust, I would never trust anyone, so Im not sure what happened but I ended up buying a semi automatic pistol a 45 cal. This was a month after my father bought me a ford F-150 with a supercab, it was metallic blue, super sweet truck. Somehow, I ended up in the school parking lot one night, and I placed this gun to my head, so much had gone wrong already, I figured I'd just kill myself, hell no one would care right, just as I was getting ready to pull the trigger, I seen cop lights flashing behind me. I was sent to a place called Delaware Guidance...They wanted me to talk, but what the hell was I to talk about, how people kept pointing the finger at me, how I couldn't express myself without getting in trouble, or how I was just misunderstood? What the fuck? So I went there for about 4 months, then one session while I was waiting to see the therapist, I this fat bastard comes, and causes a scene, Im trying to tell him, yo, all I was doing was cleaning my nails, if you want me to leave that's fine, I would have left....Now he's talking all slick..., and I tell him, yo I will spear you....Now anyone that watches professional wrestling knows exactly what a spear is. I leave, I actually walk home, and when I get home, the phone rings, my probation officer is on the phone, and I hear him tell my mom, not to tell me that the cops are going to come and arrest me (She is dead set on not telling me, Im just glad I heard the conversation) so now I was prepared, I left the house, and bounced I wasn't going to allow the P.O to manipulate my mom into giving me up.
Next thing I know, the police picked me up over at the west side, they took me to Juvie, and I was booked and my charges were read. My bail was 1000 dollars, in the state I live in you only have to pay out ten percent of any cash bail. 10 percent of 1000 is 100. 100 dollars would have gotten me out of juvie, my parents refused to bail me out, hell, I had that money stashed in my pillow case. Well here is the crazy thing, I went to trial, and somehow, the case was dismissed, but my parents still had to take custody of me, which they refused to do, Now I was sitting in Juvie from about December to May that's 6 months. All they had to do was sign me out and they wouldn't. The social workers looked at it, as if they had abandoned me, and legally they did. I guess I would have abandoned me too.
So the state had to figure out what they would do with me.
They figured out a plan to get rid of me, and make money off of me at the same time. Now I have become award of the state. The sent me all the way to Tennesse. I stayed down there in a bullshit program for 18 months, I was supposed to be released out of this program no later than my 18th birthday, well, they kept me about 3 and half weeks too late.While I was in this place, I had other people, hold me down and beat me with pillows filled with bars of soap, and rolled up socks, I was attacked in the showers, I was even hit in the face with a chair, that is why I have a tooth missing to this day. How did I go from a quite child, who just wanted to live a good life to this whole mess, What did I do to deserve this situation. I got a hold of a lawyer and planned to sue the state of Tennesse and the state I was from, for unlawful imprisonment. Well they got wise, they figured if they could process me into the adult justice system then I would be out of there hair, the only problem with that is they would have had to have charges against me in order to do that. Well they set the whole thing up, there was two different programs in one building, one for kids from out of state, and another program for in state kids who had totally different issues. Quick backstory, my sister had a baby girl around the same time, she sent me pictures of my niece and I had them in my room, there was a 13 year old boy named Darius, who I constantly complained to staff about,I caught him in my room masturbating to this picture of my newborn niece...I SNAPPED... I cosntantly told them how he was going into my room and stealing my stuff, and wearing my clothes and just messing with stuff...No one ever addressed my complaints....Well one day I found he had a magazine of mine, and I confronted him about it, I smacked him in the back of his head, it wasn't a vicious hit, it was more like the way you would give a love tap or something, I didn't want him to think I was trying to hurt him but I did want him to know, hey you can't just take peoples things. Well a couple days go by, and I didn't know this but there was an investigation going on about me slapping him, the authorities got involved and the next thing I know Im being hauled off to Hamilton County Jail...all for slapping someone...had it been a month earlier they would not have been able to do that, and I believe to this day, they sent him in my room knowing I wasn't going to put up with his thievery anymore. Well, I sat in county jail from October, to December that was 3 months...I missed my family, my friends, and I didn't know what my status was again, people in the jail, inmates, guards, they were all telling me when I go to court to just plead guilty and get the process over with, I couldn't. I just couldn't sit here and go thru some more bullshit.
Well in the end of November, a guard told me I had a visitor. Im confused, who in the state of Tennesse would come and see me? Well, I was shackled and taken to the visitors area, there is some guy sitting in front of me, asking me questions, he wouldn't even identify himself. He asked me one particular question that stood out, he asked me had I known a 12 year old girl who was in this program, I told him yes, and then he asked me did I have a relationship with her, and Im like what? Why would you ask me something like that, so I told him NO! He then ask me, well why not? And Im looking at him, like what is this some sort of trick question? Why not? I just told you no! So then he ask me again, why not? And I tell him, because a relationship between a 12 year old and an 18 year old is inappropriate and wrong, next thing I know he says good answer, and ends the visit....WTF??? I go back to my cell, and Im just confused, what the hell is happening in my life.
I go back to my cell people are asking me what was going on, I wouldn't talk, and next thing I know people are thinking Im some sort of snitch or something.
December the 8th arrives, it's about 5 o'clock in the morning, Im being awakened by guards, breakfast is in two hours and I don't have to be up until 6 what the hell is going on now. Next thing I know, the guard tells me I have to go to court today, no one told me about any court situation.
So the guards shackle me up, and take me underground below the jail and they sit me in a jail cell. About 3 hours something past 9, and fat white guy in a suit comes up to my cell, and ask me if I am who I am, and I say yeah, he says, if I give you a plane ticket back to the state your from and drop all charges against me will I go back with no problem. My first reaction was hell yeah, but I wanted to figure out why the state was so willing and eager to let me go. Again, me being big, I guess they thought I was dumb, so while I was sitting there, I thought about it, the only reason they could have for doing this is because someone did something illegal, and they didn't want my situation to be there problem any more!! Quick solution right, get rid of the problem right?
So I play along, now they want me to sign papers, so I tell them Im not signing anything until I get proper legal representation. So Im sitting in front of the judge, he orders a lawyer to come to my aide, the lawyer finds out that, the state of Tennessee, illegally imprisoned me...BINGO!!! That was my ticket out...Well I agree to leave on a plane that day, but before I would board any plane, I would need all records pertaining to me, my stay in jail, and my charges, and the outcome of trial, (this was me at 18 all on my own, man I would have made a great lawyer) I get all the info, get released, and I get on a plane that takes me to Philly, my parents meet me at Philly and take me home.
Im so happy to be home, that I ended up not sleeping for 4 days straight.
Well, I thought everything was behind me, I tried to go on living my life as normal as possible. I was off probation, I met a girl who I ended up getting into a serious relationship with. Well a year to the day since I had come home, I was out with my girl and a friend, the racist ass state police in my state decide to tail my boy, we were on our way out to get something to eat, they run the tags, pull us over ask for id, I give them mine, next thing I know another cop pulls up, ask me to get out of the car, and proceeds to tell me I am under arrest for violation of probation...VIOLATION OF PROBATION, WTF I was on juvenial probation, so how did that get transferred to adult probation?? So they take me to jail, I call my dad, I tell him what's going on, he knew I wasn't on probation, so how could I be violated? Im thinking, okay, he'll fix it in a few hours and I can go home...They want 5000 dollars bail, for what? OH SHIT HERE WE GO AGAIN....so I had to spend the night in PRISON, not JAIL BUT PRISON, there is a difference...The following morning was a saturday, and I was released, I had to walk home, my dad was home, and he was telling me the only reason he did what he could do to get me out was he had knew I did nothing wrong, however he did say had he not gotten me out, I would have sat in prison from December to February!! Oh I would have hung myself if that had happened!!! Anyway, the state sends me a letter claiming it was a beauracratic mistake. Oh it was cool cause needless to say, I had a lawsuit in the works for both of the states, dealing with my juvenile case. It took two years for the lawsuit to get looked at, with the right lawyers I ended up suing and winning my case!! Because I can never talk about the exact amount both states ended up paying out, what I can say is on average, I get about 80 grand a year from both states until Im about 45.....DO THE MATH....that's a lot of money....there is two commas in there somewhere...
So now, legally I was seeing some justice for the injustice that was brought about me.
Back to my girlfriend, now about this time I am 20 years old, my girlfriend and I break up, and it was a rough one, I was depressed. Here it was I had all this money, I had my freedom but I didn't feel like I had love, out of the blue, I ended up meeting this girl, who actually was my best friends ex, but I didn't know it...We ended up getting into a relationship, we moved in together 3 years into the relationship, we got engaged, and I thought things were definately looking up!!! Boy was I wrong, we lived together for 9 months before she decided to leave me...She left me for a younger dude, and she took all my belongings...Oh yeah, back track real quick, When George W one the 2000 election my father passed away about 3 months later. So now Im like, I lost my father, got kicked out of my moms, got engaged, had it broken off, had the love of my life, leave me, and now Im stuck with absolutely NOTHING....I started to build a little studio, I invested about 10 grand and she took all of that...Took me to court, lied and everything....
Well, I ended up moving back into my mothers house in February of 2003, my best friend in the whole world, told me, that God is a jealous God, and when we place things before him, he will take those things away from us to get our attention....That was when I got back into church.
I started visiting my friends church. I always told him I was going to join, but for the longest I would just sit in my seat when it was time for alter call.
Well December 2003 I joined the church, that following New Years Eve I was at service, and I saw the most amazing woman, walking thru the church.
When service was over I mentioned her to my boy. He told me he knew her, and he said he could call her and let me know I would like to get to know her. We'll he called her, and we talked, exchanged information, and we kinda sorta vibed. I thought she was pretty, and intelligent...the whole 9, the total package. Well, I guess she was feeling me like that, because she decided she wanted to see this other dude who happened to be a preacher, Well, My boy knew, and he explained to her, she needed to tell me she wasn't feeling me like that, because he didn't want to see me get hurt, and that if she wouldn't tell me he would. Well, she really wasn't going to tell me, so my boy prepared me and told me himself, I was hurt, but hey, with all I had been thru I knew I'd get over it. Well the funny thing is me and this girl, ended up becoming really good friends, I will admit, I never stopped wanting to be with her, but we only remained friends....We stayed friends from 04 until 07, our friendship was cool....we shared everything with each other....Anyway, my boy was pretty close to her to but they stopped being cool when all of the previous mentioned transpired.....Well in summer of 07 I sort of violated my friends trust, I did some pretty stupid stuff, and she ended up googling my name, and found out some very shameful stuff about my past....Well, I thought that was the end....she was mad at me, and I was hurt that all of this was happening, but she ended up telling me she wanted us to be friends, and that, she was over everything and did not care about the skeleton in my closet....That was about june of 07, I thought we were patching things up, and our relationship was going back to the way it was....Well if I fast forward to present day, her and I are really not on the same page. Even though I want our friendship to last, it just seems like it won't happen, She met a new male "friend" friday, and from the way she talked about him, Im guessing this is someone she could see herself being in a relationship with, anyway, we stopped hanging out, and spending time together, now all of the sudden we are always arguing and fighting and disagreeing about EVERYTHING.....
She seems to be really heartless, like she could careless, and I feel like she doesn't view the friendship in the same light that I do....
Well anyway, I was hoping she would be around when I celebrated my 26th birthday, well she wasn't and we ended up arguing about some bull...
So then she tells me that she has a new friend, in my heart I am happy for her, but I really feel like, she is about to get herself into some bullshit. And if she really feels me as a friend in her heart, that when the pieces break, Im going to be there picking them up.
I love this girl with 100 percent of my heart....and if I can't be with her, or be her friend...what am I supposed to do....It seems like I've always had one bad relationship after another....
Here is the funny thing, about a week ago, I felt like GOD spoke to me, and told me to write all my goals and desires down on a piece of paper, and place them in the Book Of Habukkuk in the Bible...so that is what I did, and I offered up a prayer to him, and right after I did that, thats when it seems me and this girl just started fighting and growing apart.
So know I am at this place, when I look back on my life, and I see all the wrong and all the mistakes, and misfortune, I really am left confused....How can a person have all this money, but have no friends, and not feel loved....I just want to be happy in all areas of my life, and it seems like whenever I am obediant to GOD everything goes wrong....I mean if this particular girl is not for me, than who is, it's not like I am out here just meeting women left and right, Who did got create for me, that understands me, and that likes me for me, and that will accept me for my rights and my wrongs....I don't know....
So that brings me to today...
Im going to be writing in this blog, or journal or whatever it is...to begin to evaluate me, and my life, and hopefully something gives, and some changes start to take place.
I will say I am already learning a few things....
Like not to wear my heart on my sleeve, and to not let people see me sweat....
See I know what kind of person I am, and what kind of man I am supposed to be...
Im not a bad guy, or a criminal, or dumb, none of that..
Im a special person and it's going to take other special people to pick up on that an notice that...
but another reason I am writing in this blog or journal is to begin to heal from the past 4 years, and being to just release, so that I may move on and get over the person I fell in love with me, who couldn't reciprocate the feelings....
Anyway, this is me, a 26 year old KID who just seemed to get the short end of the stick over and over again...This is my story, my testimony....I've learned to let a lot of what happened to me go....but it's hard, wanting so much more, and having my past, always in my head, making me think Im not worth much of nothing....wanting to be able to cry, and have to be tough....
The good thing is I am trying....I graduated college in 2001, I earned a degree, and Im doing everything in my power, to start my own company....it's rough, it's wierd, because I can easily adapt to most of any situation....I just don't want to be emotional anymore, I don't want to wear my heart on my sleeve....and I want God to be there for me, and help me heal, and not hurt anymore.
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Posted by bubbabeatz on 2007-09-20 01:04:22 | Rating: | Views: 157
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Bubba: Wow! I finally had time to read through slowly and take in what you have so bravely testified to. To get it all out is the first part of your healing. A good place to start.
One thing I need to emphasize is that when we have adversity in our past, we have to let it all go. Surrender it and don't go back to it. The past is past and we need to leave it there. All we have is this very moment. We have now and that is where we need to be in order for healing to take place. The future is an illusion of time and dwelling on the what if's keeps us in anxiety and doubt. The "now" is where transformation and healing occurs. I have learned from my own recovery work that we need to start where we want to be. If we want to be happy, we have to start being just that. Happiness comes from within and not from anything or anyone outside of us. We humans make the mistake of thinking that happines comes from things that we want and desire. This is really an illusion. We make our happiness conditional when we think this way. When we don't get what we want, then we are unhappy. Not good! Happiness is a choice and a state of existence, and it comes to us by choice and not by conditions. Start in the now and start by making the choice to be contented and happy in the moment. Our mind is a thinking addict and it is quite redundant. Most of the things we think about will be the same thing we think about tomorrow that is if we allow the mind to stay in its thinking addiction.
My healing began when I started controlling my thinking and being aware of it. When I found myself thinking negative, I was able stop the negative and redirect the thinking to something positive. The key is to keep the mind away from the negative and keep it on the positive. We do that by being aware and living in the "now." That's all we got is now.
Let go of all the bad things. Wipe your slate clean. Dwelling on things that hurt us keeps the hurting active. Let it go! Move forward in the now with intent on being positive and happy in the moment. Be aware of your surroundings. Take notice of smiles, of birds, of floweres, of all the natural beauty around you. Be aware of shpaes and forms and textures. These are things that keep you in the now.
Healing takes time and work. The mind is stubborn and resists change. It likes dwelling on the negative. Don't let it go there. Say to yourself, "right now, I can be happy or I can be miserable. I choose to be happy right now." This works but it takes work and effort. Your pursuit for change and willingness to change starts right now. Change happens right now. Not yesterday or tomorrow, but right now.
No quick fixes. That's a bummer. But we reap what we sow. If we don't work, nothing gets done. If we work, something does get done.
You have now. You have no past and no future. You have this very moment. Remember that.
We have absolute power over ourselves. That is the only power we have. We can't control situations or people, only ourselves.
Take baby steps. Take things one second at a time or one breath or heartbeat at a time.
You can do this. Adversity makes us stronger if we let it work in our lives that way. Let it work for the good in you.
Sorry for my lecture. I have been in recovery for over a decade and I have done alot of work on me. Lot of reading, counseling and soul searching. A lot of trial and error. All hardwork, but all has brought me much reward. It has brought me happiness and contentment.
I am here if you need a cheering section.
You are the light of the world,
Kim
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Posted by Jesusmyvision
on 2007-09-24 13:38:11
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Wow Bubba, I'm so sorry for what you have been through. You should be proud of yourself for perservering under those circumstances. Keep searching. I know it's hard to trust God when everyone you have ever trusted let you down but He really will be there for you.
Deb
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Posted by debwrkn4jesus
on 2007-09-25 20:33:27
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I just read both of these comments....The feedback is highly appreciated....Man, I kinda wish I knew you guys in person....wow. to come across people like you would definately be a blessing!
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Posted by bubbabeatz
on 2007-09-26 01:58:31
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