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well at least I don't have swine flu...

...but how am *I* doing?

it's a good question, these past few weeks have been so full of things, so full of exams, work, heartache, heratbreak, excitement, tears...that really..I'm not too sure.

I don't have swine flu.

That's a plus.

But you know, sometimes I just wish I could come home for a hug...and I thought about coming home..right after I got the email that told me they took grandma off dialysis. From that day my head was in another place, and it didn't really matter that I had midterm exams coming up, or that I had a 27 page translation to do, that people wanted me to commit to this or that, all I could think about was whether or not I should come home and say good-bye.

and that day I spent here in China after realizing that my grandma wasn't going to be around the next time I set foot in Canada, before being able to call home and figure things out...man that was a tough day, there were so many what-ifs... should I's, I wish I had's...actually there still are...*sigh*

then I called home and realized that grandma was already gone that it would be better to remember her as I did in August when I went to visit, so the goodbye I had said in August, would have to be my last good-bye, I didn't want to come home just to for a funeral, and so the decision was made...I would stay in China...and mom told me that you know I knew that in August, that that could've been my last good-bye, but you know, I never thought that. nope. I never thought that I wouldn't get the chance to put on my green shirt, do my hair curly just to go see my grandma because I knew she loved my curly hair and I wore green just because I knew it made my eyes look greener..and I knew it would make her smile..I never thought that that last goodbye would be my last goodbye.

wow.

you know when things seem better...but it's only because you're not thinking of them..and now I'm thinking of them.

I wanted to write something last week, but I knew my family would read it, and I didn't want them to worry more...but man. being over here, when stuff if happening over there...it's tought.

I can't even pretend like I didn't cry alone, you know I'm a crier, do I think I fooled you by not turning on the video on skype..not really. and you know, I know you had me in mind, when I got a phone call every morning before class, and I wanted to hear your voices and know that you were okay, and yet in half an hour I had to go write some stupid exams when all I could think about was how hearts were breaking back home. and who do you turn to when you're in a new country? I cried to a girl I just met on the steps of school when she asked me how I was doing...but man, my friends stepped up to the plate, for only knowing them for maybe two months, they were there when I needed them...even people I didn't know...saw my tears and gave me hugs when I needed them.

Then my life got busier, I realized I had to translate a 27 page chinese document into English,...in one day, and lied to buy myself another two days and translated for 72 hours...minus maybe 6 hours for sleep..and then had to catch up in class from skipping the first half of the week..and then I sat down to write some updates and realized..realized that when I come back home things won't be the same. My head still spins with regrets that I didn't do this and I didn't do that and I know I can't change things and I know I'll always have memories of this and that...but still, it doesn't seem real...

...and now my life is full of things, trying to get visa's, trying to raise a ton of money, trying to catch up in classes, trying to prepare for my hopeful beauty pageant debut, trying to decide whether or not I can commit to flying to another city for hockey, going to work, thinking of my future, writing this...and then all of a sudden becoming overwhelmed with emotion and being extremely glad that my roomate, who is always here...isn't here so I can cry my eyes out in solitude.

but it's okay. I'm okay

and at the end of the day, I can still honestly say..

life is good, God is great.

Posted by btpeters on 2009-11-07 11:53:25 | Rating: