Thoughts.com Blogs - What sort of title gets people interested enough t

View Blog

What sort of title gets people interested enough t

I've been 'away' for quite awhile. I guess technically speaking, I haven't gone anywhere--I've logged onto Thoughts daily since I deleted my first account. So this is my third account on Thoughts; and everyday, every single day, I try to write, and consequently I find myself at a total loss for words.

So now, I'm forcing myself to write. It's actually ridiculously difficult at the moment-- have you ever been in that place where everything is so overwhelming that it's hard to pick out what's important? It's almost as if the constant excitement of the past few weeks has put me in a state of mind that makes everything seem mundane. I'm hovering in a state of apathy. That's rare for me-- I usually have bi-polar emotions.

For the record, I opted not to reread my last blog entry, because I remember writing it and feeling totally drained as a result. So I'm re-filling you in. Apologies if it's repetitive.

Over spring break, I hung out with a girl, we'll call her Bailey. She's bi. I met her on a church retreat back in February. I've had bisexual 'leanings' for quite some time now. i can't say I've been this way 'since birth,' but to be really honest, I didn't have an operational sex drive until I was fourteen or fifteen anyways. So Bailey spent the night at my house, and I told her I was bi. She was supportive, we talked things out, etc. etc. etc.

The following day, I logged onto Thoughts (old account, this entry was deleted.) and wrote about all of this. Unfortunately for me, my father discovered the joys of an 'Internet History' on that very same day. He found my account, and since then I've been 'out' to my family. This was mid-march--- the subject has not been spoken about since. I am a Christian, and my family is also. So I lied (ha, very Christian of me) and explained to them that I would 'fight this thing.' So in my household, my sexuality is like a disease-- something to be fought; something I'll overcome.

A part of me is convinced this is a phase for me. The realist in me continues to see the 'teenager-red-flag.' In my head, I understand that a lot of teenagers question their sexuality, and in the end, they 'straighten themselves out.' But the idealist in me wants to believe in the purity of love, in the goodness of raw human emotion. The realist side of me feels disgust, the idealist sees beauty and honesty.

Returning to the story-line--- I called Bailey soon after the family-unit explosion took place. We concluded that I should probably tell those closest to me that I was bi, so that they would hear it from me rather than from my parents (my parents calling friends and makign them aware of my 'disease' was and still is a legitimate fear.) So I decided that I ought to tell my best friend. For those of you who never read the blog of 'handsalmostopen08, my best friend (let's call her Katie) are uncannily close. At this point in the story, she knew literally EVERYTHING abotu me, save my sexual preferences. I assumed that because we had such a physical relationship, it was better to play up the straight side of myself when I was with her.

I told Katie on a Saturday. The coward in me purposefully avoided oppourtunities to tell her face-to-face, although (to my credit) the opportunities were limited. [We were at a school function with 200 other people, and we were staffing the event... the day was a little hectic.] So i texted her. What can I say, immaturity got the best of me. So she explains to me that she needs to 'process' all of this...

I'll write more later. I've got to go. Apathy overtook me again.

Posted by brightbluecotton on 2008-04-27 15:35:47 | Rating: