I'm, once again, forcing myself to pick this journal back up. A month ago, I'd be kicking myself for writing in this. There's even a note on the side fo my computer that says 'don't journal.' But since I stopped, I've lost what littel clarity I had. Granted, my happiness wavers when I write, but at least things seem to make sense in here. Clarity is my drug, and to say that I'm addicted is an understatement.

So let's pick it up where I left off...

Katie took her 'process time,' and I drove to her house 2 or 3 days later so we could talk everything out. The response I got was one that i am still unhappy with. She basically told me that she was under a lot of emotional stress regardless of my sexuality, and that her accepting my sexuality would add to that stress. So she's opting not to think about it at all. At first, I thought she was being sarcastic, in that what she had just told me sounded totally ridiculous, but nevertheless... she was serious. So she wiped the concept from her mind (save the not-so-occasional crack at me liking girls) and we went straight back to spooning and holding hands. Which is code for 'everything is normal' in our friendship. (to her credit, she really is going through a lot. And she's OCD and can't except change, so this reaction wasn't completely out of the blue. To my credit, her reaction is still totally ridiculous and I shouldn't accept it but I'm going to because I love her more than anything else in the world. Platonic love. We'll get to that later.)

Turns out, Katie told Tucker, my ex-boyfriend, about my sexuality during her 'process time.' She's been forgiven for that slip, seeing as she told him right when she read the text message. She was on her way out of the building in tears, and Tucker stopped her (Tucker is the guy that you go to when you need to cry. He's amazing.) So that happened.

All throughout this time, I'm falling. hard. for Bailey. That fact hasn't changed yet. I understand that it's corny and unrealistic to say this, but liking her is like nothing I've ever felt before. It's this mixture of attraction and loyality and hysteria and fear and passion and devotion. It's wanting to kiss her so badly, but knowing that I would do anything to help her hook up with some other girl she thinks is cute. It's me, being concerned about the trivial things. The day-to day. With everyone else I've ever liked, it's been long-term oriented. Plans and goals, and that's it. That's still there with this one. But at the same time, it's me knowing that I've give anything to scratch her back until she falls asleep. I'm dying for her to call and ask for a ride, just so I can talk to her again. So I can hear her ridiculous laugh. It's me loving the fact that she drinks and smokes weed. I understand that attraction clouds people's vision, and it's definitely doing that to mine, but I just dont give a shit anymore. Even her flaws are endearing. I can see this girl's confidence, and yet her vulnerability shines through too. She's just like me in so many ways. Sarcastic as all get out, but can be deep and serious and involved the second I need her to be. She's distant, and so am I (except in this case, I'm incredibly clingy in my head. I'm being that girl, that girl that plays it cool, but makes an ass of herself because really she cant play it cool to save her life.) She's imperfect, and I love it. She's empathetic and compassionate one second, and the next shes a total ass. And I dont even know her that well. That's not true, I do. I havent spent that much time alone with her, but when we have alone time, we spend most of the time spilling our guts out.

I sound obsessive, and I dont care. i am obsessing, a little, because my attraction towards guys has never felt like this. It's never been so raw, so not-forced. With Tucker, who I loved so much, the attraction was still a littel bit forced. I loved him and certianly was attracted to him, but this is different. I can't describe it any differently.

As life goes, there are problems here. For starters, Bailey is three years younger than I am. Even I find that a little creepy. It's just that... the insight she gives is so... insightful, that she seems older than I am. When I met her, i assumed she was already in college. So there's problem number one. Number two, I told her when I came out to her that I would probably become attracted to her.( I know myself well.) I explained that my admiration for people usually turns into attraction, but it doesnt usually EXPLODE into attraction. I wasn't expecting this. Anyways, we discussed that, and agreed that platonic is best.... although I'm not really sure as to the basis of that agreement. Third, I can't compete. Sh'es told me how gorgeous I am, and how (before I came out to her) she would date me in a second if I were bi, but there are three seniors at her school who like her. I'm not going to vie for her affection as senior #4.

So that's where Bailey and I are right now.

Back to the main story, Some kids at my school found out that I'm bi (at leas,t I'm pretty sure they know. Tucker and Katie and Bailey are all swearing that they haven't said anything.) and the homophobic remarks have started coming in. I mean, lots of kids have suspected for a long time now, but comments hadn't officially been made before last week. So that's new. Gotta love high-school, right?


Let's see. I did day of silence, wasn't that into it. I figured that I'd been 'silent' for a long time, and all I really wanted to do was talk. So we'll see. I'll write more later.

Katie's dealing with this a little better than before. Which is good.
peaceandlove.