-I am a Christian.
-I am, at least in this very moment, bisexual. (i hate that word.) I swing both ways.
-I am a Christian BEFORE I am a bisexual.
-Because God> sex/sexuality.
-Regardless, I'm under a little bit of emotional/spiritual pressure because my beliefs and my sexuality clash. In a major way. It hurts and it makes me... sad. That's a terrible adjective, and it isn't even all that accurate. The religious/sexuality conflict leaves me feeling drained and emotionally stunted. It's a fight that neither side will ever win. I'm too much of a pussy to pick a side. One part of me says 'follow your heart.' But the other side knows that everyone's flawed, and that somewhere along the line, my heart got distorted and confused (eloquent way of phrasing it, i know.)
- So basically, I've admitted this attraction that I have. I havent swallowed/accepted it. All I know is that I'm THROUGH lying to myself. It hurts a lot worse, and this way I can let myself decide without a revolting sense of guilt and embarassment in the back of my mind.
- I'm crushing hard on a girl. Unfortunately, I know for a fact that we can't date. It'd probably help if I explained why. First things first, she's three years younger than me. She's ridiculously mature for her age, but still... a freshman-senior relationship is stepping over a border there. Sure sure, age is only a number, but there's a huge bitch named gossip/highschool ridicule right in-between our 3 year age gap. Second, she's seeing another girl. Sort of. I think they broke up today, actually. Having said that, I think the rebound thing is lame and cheap, so it's not like the situation is something to take advantage of. Also, we've agreed that our relationship needs to stay platonic. For both our sakes, and for the sake of my parents (my parents are great, but they found out I was bi. And they dont approve. at all. and they want to send me to counseling. and its just a big problem.) And lastly, we're basically the same person. Here's what I mean...

There are two types of people in this world: the clingers, and the clung-to. We're both the latter. We don't like people who cling. They suffocate and invade and overwhelm, etc etc etc. Most of the time, the clung-to like to chill with other clung-to people. Unfortunately, I have a SMALL FRACTION of clinger in me. So she's got the proverbial upper-hand, and I'm the annoying puppy following her around. Because she's what I want right now. And agreeing with her that i can't have it--- which I can't. I won't act on any of this. That would cause unnecessary crap and actually dating a girl is a step that I need some time to take--- doesnt really make the fact that I want it go away.

This really wasn't profound. At all.
But I've had other blogs on Thoughts, and I'm tired of filling and refilling in the gaps. Sorry, laziness trumps clarity.

And mom and dad, if by chance you read this--- please dont talk to me in person. Because I'm not ready to talk about it out loud. Hell, get a thoughts account! Be anonymous. That way, I'll actually be comfortable with listening and responding to your ideas. Love you guys.