i know its a big deal and everyone loved him because he was an amazing actor. but when i found out that he died to day i wasn't really affected by it. i don't think i really should? yes i should be affected by death, but by someone whom i've actually never met or knew personally? i don't know seeing my friend really upset about it made me think twice about it, just in the fact that how can my emotions be affected by, for all i know, fiction?

another thing is his age 28, it's not like he was the very first 28 year old man who died. he has a daughter. its almost like people are completely oblivious to the fact that death isn't uncommon. its apart of life. well actually i quallify as one of those people. i am far away from death and seeing death daily. my mind wonders to how i've never even seen someone die. yes i have seen millions and millions of people die in movies. and for some reason thats what our minds associate with death. i know mine does. i've never actually seen a real person be slaughtered to death. but in a movie i have, what looks more 'real' isn't the truth. i just assume since it looks so  close to reality i assume. i shouldn't assume. i have no idea.

hmpf. i ran for the first time in a long long time today. i guess a mile and a half isn't that bad? hahah i am pathetic. at least i'm going to try and keep it up. and it will get easier.

its just a great feeling coming home from working out, instead of coming home after smoking pot.

i just sometimes feel like pot is boring now. not that i feel like i need to do something more. just that i feel like i'm almost done with this chapter in my life. now this doesn't mean i'm gonna stop toking everyday. just that i really don't enjoy it a whole lot just cause i know exactly what it's going to bring out in me and how LAZY i will get.

my friends . i just need to vent . i have no one to vent to . i really don't have a best friend anymore . which is almost alright with me . i feel like i shouldn't have to have one . beause in my head i have to have one to be "normal" and i like that i'm going through something that many people experience that i always wonder how they even do it . anyWHO my friends

first off allison and abbey have been PISSING ME OFF. it's just like they make it seem like they make it seem like they really like you, when it would NOT suprise me AT ALL if they talked about me behind my back. alright well i KNOW they do. and its just like they make it seem like they really don't care about any of our friends.  but real friends in reality ..... SHOULD care if they truely are your friends. or at least thats how i have been used to friends my entire life. and i'm just not used to it.

in college i hope to live a free and open life. accepting whoever and leaving my old friends. our friends today shape who we will act towards other people. and when i make new friends i don't want to come off as not caring. i think that is one of the best qualities anyone could have.

i loved that shea today told me that i am a nice person. just in the fact that i love to BE nice. i hate to be mean. honestly thats probably one of the main reasons people don't like me. but really. GET PISSED at me for being too nice ... shows the kind of people you like? mean people. haha i am just a calm soft person. and i like it that way.

molly, i've really never liked molly. i mean i did but i hated that she all of a sudden didn't like me for no reason anymore. but now i have grown almost a respect for her just in the fact that, she is ... just herself. and never tries to be anyone else at any point in time .. which is one of the reasons why i don't like my other friends.


hannah is just ... perfect. she is really superficial. don't get me wrong, i love her. but she always have to have perfect everything. and thats why i think her and azra get along well. as azra likes ... only nice things. as does hannah.

azra. i talked to her for the first time about new years and she just ignored it. and i think i'm okay with that just because i know i'm not gonna be best friends with her . ever again.

i really do have trust issues. and thats one of the reasons why i'm not close with my friends. is because i don't open up to them. because ... they never open up to me.

what my dad said this weekend really hit home and makes a lot of sense.
"its the same distance from here to there as it is from there to here" and i think i expect people to give a little trust in me for me to give trust in them.

its freezing in here. our heater is going to the shitter. i hope we have heat tonight. hah thats not one of those things i want to worry about daily.

I AM STUDENT OF THE MONTH. this has never happened to me in the 3 years that i have been in highschool. I AM STUDENT OF THE MONTH. its in my art class. god i love it so much. even though i'm not that great at it, no one really is unless they practice, and i feel like i should practice all the time, AND I"M TRYING. i'm just trying to be that person that I WANT to be. not the person that i think is cool. that i love being.

i hope i leave an impact on some of these people that i talk with.


peace to the earth.