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Well last night and today have been very bad. Last night I started to write my final words. I cried a lot while righting it, but not when I got to your part. That was the only part I did not cry. I dont know why though either. It was a rough draft and I dont know if I should post it online but I just really do not care anymore. Your hurting me so much, you dont even realize it. We talked to today but that just hurt so much too. How can I talk to knowing you say you have feelings for him. I just feel like you played me so bad. You hurt me so much. You say you want to cut me out of your life, so I will cut you into mine. I am sorry but you cannot help me anymore, and it is going to say those three things in the letter but I still doubt that you will do them. Time is running out. Here it is:
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To everyone: I am sorry that it had to come to this, I couldn’t do this anymore. It was too hard, and I guess I am not a strong person for it coming to this. Nothing cured me from my pain. I just couldn’t deal with life anymore. I love you all.
To my mother: Do not blame your self mom, you did so much for me. This was not cause of you; you did everything you could for me. I know this kills you, but it was too much for me to handle everything was building up and I couldn’t handle this. Please take care of Tyler for me. Push him hard in sports. Make him do all is work. Make sure he is always happy. Ask him everyday if he is. Make him go to college; tell him I miss him everyday. I know I wasn’t always the best son, and I am sorry I am gone. You taught me so much about life and how to live it. Teach Tyler the same stuff. You know I love you mom. I hope you find true love again, I’ve always wanted that, I wanted to see you happy for so long. I hope you do now. Mom I love you so much you did everything for me. You kept me from doing this for so long now, but it got too hard lately. I am sorry mom, I love you.
To my grandfather and the rest of my family: I am so sorry to bring this pain on you. I couldn’t handle mine though. It was getting too hard and I wanted a break from it all for so long now. Grandpa I love you so much thanks for showing me what it meant to be a man and take responsibility for my actions. To my aunts and grandmothers I love you so much too thanks for showing me the true kindness in people in this world. To my cousins I love you and am sorry I hope you can forgive me one day, just take one day at a time and treat people with kindness. I am sorry to the rest of you; I love you all so much.
To my brother: Tyler you are too young to understand any of this now. I am so sorry I couldn’t be there for you. I love you so much. Make me proud when you grow up. Make our family proud cause I couldn’t. Always do your work, and listen to mom. She knows what she is talking about and she is a good mom. Tell her you love her everyday. Try your hardest at everything; school, sports, and everything else. I am so sorry I miss you so much. Treat girls the way they should be treated. Make them feel like they are princess. Make me proud of you. Stay away from the bad things in life. I hope when you get older you can have someone tell you these things again. Tyler now you’re the man of the house. Help everyone as much as you can. Make everyone happy and always try to the right thing. I love you.
To my boys: You know who you are. I could never really tell you guys how I felt inside because you wouldn’t understand. But I don’t blame you for that; make me proud to be your friend. Go on and live your life to the fullest. Just try to accept people for whom they are and not judge too much, because looks are not always what they seem. No one knew that I cut myself. It hurt when not only you but everyone would make jokes but just try to understand people for who they are. I love and miss you all so much. You guys helped me so much. Just live happy lives for me. Get married have kids and live life to the fullest. Just be happy boys, live your lives to the fullest, and pour one out for me at the parties I’ll be missing. I love you boys.
To everyone else in my life: From the people I meet at college or my friends from high school or just random people I met in life. I am sorry. Most of you saw this kid who was happy most of the time. I wasn’t. I was dying inside, and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I tried not to cry for so long but it just couldn’t stay in forever. Just try to see people for who they are, and not always criticize people for who they seem on the outside. Just try not to judge people too much. Love you all.
To Jill: You helped me so much when I had no one to turn to. You are such a great person. Any boy would be so lucky to have you. Just respect your self. The reason I didn’t want to tell you about my problem was because of what had happened in your life. You were another big reason on why I didn’t want to do this, because I knew it would kill you. Jill I tried so hard for so long. I didn’t know what else to do. You did help me Jilly. Just find love and hold on to that person for ever. Make sure they treat you right or get rid of them. That’s advice from your other big brother. Make sure that boys treat you the way you should be treated. Keep your head up kid. I love you. You’re my little sister; I wouldn’t be leaving you if I knew you couldn’t handle this. Please be happy Jill. I’ll see you again don’t worry. Live your life to the fullest and be happy. You’ll find true love sweetie don’t you worry. Jill I love you.
To Madeline: All I needed was a friend. You lied to me, why you couldn’t just tell me from the start that it was about that. Did you think that I wouldn’t find out? I’m sorry, ok I am. This is too hard. I love you and hate you at the same time. My mind is fighting its self. I cannot go on. I tried so hard not to do this but you were the only one to help me and you couldn’t. Just live your life and try to forget me. Just find someone who makes you happy and live a happy life. I’m sorry I just couldn’t be like this anymore. Those three things? Visit me, make me happy again, and just be there for me. I don’t understand why you had to say such hurtful things. All I wanted was a friend but you had to take things to the extreme. You knew this was coming and didn’t try to stop it. So I didn’t know what to do, with school, baseball, and you it was all too hard. I told you I needed you and you threw me away. I’m sorry Madeline I hope you can move on now. You said you wanted me out of your life so I am now. Go please be happy. Love anyone you want now, you won’t have to worry about me anymore. I am gone and in a better place. I really do wish the best for you. Please Live, Love, and be at peace. Please move on past me, I am just a chapter in not only yours but everyone else’s. 4.24 I loved you.
I hope that you all take something from my life, and not remember me for how my life ended, but rather how I lived it. How I tried to make people happy all the time. I just wanted the best for everyone all the time. Now matter what I said or what I did I cared about everyone. I know I was a dick at times and for that I am sorry, most of the time I was joking. It was my way of showing you that you were my friend. I hope that there is a God, I have believed in him so long and I hope he can forgive me and take me to a better place where I will not feel anymore pain. The main message I want my life to reflect is these few things. One, don’t judge people. Two, treat everyone you meet with kindness, for none of us knows what that person goes home to. And three, be happy for me. I hope you can all forgive me one day for this, I just couldn’t cry anymore. Just be happy people, for me.
Peace and Love,
d
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That is it but I am still trying to stay strong for now, but it is getting too hard now. I'm still here tho.
d
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"Grandpa I love you so much thanks for showing me what it meant to be a man and take responsibility for my actions"
take responsability for you actions u keep on saing that u wan people to be happy and u blame madeline for it all u ask her to be happy yet u blame her u say that she was the only one that cut have helped u
dont be like that i have so many friends that are going trough a though time its not the way out. the fact that u woud post this shows that u dont wan to do it
i have gon through things like this and many times have i thought about this
im a catholic but what if there is nothing out ther for thous that take the easy way out?
though it up u seem to have so many reasons to keep on living th at it seem like it is not worth it i kn pain i kn how it fells to think that there is no were out that it is way to hard to keep on living but u can so it i can what sort of example are u sething u[ for them
if u need someone to talk toim here and will lisen
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Posted by whatonlyisee
on 2008-02-15 20:38:28
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Today I found this site because I am was looking for a convenient online journal.
This entry is the first and only one I have read. I can't help but ache for you, sweet one. There are some things I want you to know, I feel compelled by Love to try to express, even though I am merely a stranger from who knows where.
The searing, unbearable pain you are experiencing is a type of hell. I do not underestimate it. I am acquainted with it myself.
There is a very real and true battle going on for you between the forces of darkness and the forces of light. I hasten to add at this point that I am no bible thumper and offer no spiritual solution.
I merely feel compelled to tell you what I can clearly see. And I really hope you can feel the burning pure love in my heart that directs my words in this moment.
When I read your words I am struck by your sweetness, your sensitive and insightful nature. I can also feel how young you are. Anyway, here's what I want you to know:
Life is an incredible ride. Amazing. I know for certain you have experienced awe, you have experienced joy, you know the peaks exist. You've seen them. The fact that you cannot make them out clearly right now means only that there is a storm.
Storms pass.
The beautiful sun emerges and the whole world is changed.
Look around you, listen to what the coming Spring is whispering: 'I make all things new again'
Just as there are cycles in nature, there are seasons in a man's life. This is your crushing heartbreak time, baby boy. IT FUCKING HURTS LIKE HELL.
I know you have experienced pain before, I know you've been crushed in a certain way, but this, THIS is too much to bear, right? I think maybe you allowed yourself to hope that you had found someone who could save you, who could LOVE and excite you and paint your world with color, you felt alive, maybe even amazed. You wanted this more than you have ever wanted anything.
But now you feel robbed. Tricked. Devastated, really. Disillusioned.
And hopeless, tired, ready to be done with it. If this is what life is about, I'm out, right?
You also feel so desperate for her to FEEL you that you are willing to throw your life at her feet, to bleed it all out, all over her pretty toes. Then perhaps she will understand that it was REAL.
It is a powerful gesture to give one's life.
It is perhaps the most powerful gesture a man can make.
If you believe in anything unseen, in things like love, like the possibility of God, like 'vibes', atoms; if you believe in any of these things you will not think it too much of a stretch for me to tell you that there are forces of dark and light, I hope. Forces of destruction and construction. Of hate and of love. Opposites, polarities, the things that make the world go 'round.
The forces of darkness want your life. A beautiful young soul like you, a fruit coming ripe with a clear capacity for great love in his heart is a tasty treat to the dark. Devoured but then forgotten. This force does not love. It is the opposite of love.It hungers and consumes, breaks things down. I don't know if it is a 'demon' or even necessarily evil. Sometimes I think it is just natural and inevitable. It doesn't really matter to me who or what it is, I recognize it when I see it (I hope) And I know what it's after. Death. Decomposition. It wants to take your entire life and turn it into something akin to shit...fertilizer. And eventually it will have its way, at least with your body. It represents the finite, the end of things.
The forces of light are arguably no purer intentioned. They want your life too. Your beautiful, ripening self is a great boon to life, your possibilities at this point limitless.
I type here today as a humble representative of the light. The force that makes all things seen, the force that enlivens, ripens, enhances, and LOVES. It is alive and well in you, dear one, I can feel it's pulse when I read your words.
It wants you to continue living. It wants you to grow. It wants you to SEE. It takes time to grow and it takes time to learn to see. It wants you to give it more time. To endure. To grow stronger. To experience much much more. All of it. Joy and pain, hunger and satiety, LIFE, and yes, eventually, death. You have much left to see and it is a wild ride.
Don't give up yet, there are times in a man's life when there is nothing to be done but to endure. And to have faith that all things pass, that after winter comes spring.
You have a special seed inside of you, I felt it right away. I am not bullshitting you in any way, I want nothing from you at all. I doubt we'll speak again.
The thing is, you can do this and it is not the end of the world. You can leave, check out, decide life is not for you. You have the right to as sovereign of your life. And it is my heartfelt and earnest belief that the light will win in the end anyway, that the dark may trick you into turning yourself into shit early, but life will laugh gaily as she scoops you up in her arms and infuses you once again with the force of light, moving you ever forward into the future.
For light represents the infinite.
The only thing I can say in light of that truth is think long and hard before you go. Do you really want to roll the dice? Who knows where you'll be next. Isn't there a lot left here to do, like be the person you want your little brother to be? (You set a high ideal incidentally and you may never reach it, but it matters not. TRY.)
The point is darkness only begets more darkness. You can write all the letters you want but your suicide sends a much louder message to your little brother. It tells him clearly that you believe life is not worth fighting for.
You say that you want your mother to be happy, and I KNOW you do, I believe you babe, but you aren't seeing clearly right now and I am here to tell ya. There isn't a mother alive that can find happiness after losing her son in such a manner. She will suffer far more than you are suffering now.
More darkness.
And the guilt you are probably feeling isn't helping, I know. It's darkness too. I am not trying to lay a burden of guilt on you, I'm just saying don't kid yourself.
Your suicide would have a powerful effect on the people that love you. It could potentially ruin their lives completely and irrevocably.
And Madeline? The one you want to feel it the most? The one you want to affect, to show, to move.
She is the person least likely to be affected. It is clear that she has done something that demonstrates her lack of love for you. I am certain she will be shocked, at first. She will probably even feel guilty and quite sad for a little while. But you know what else she'll feel? Flattered. She'll delight in telling the story someday, even if she never admits it to herself. You'll be some psycho guy that actually killed himself over her. "He just couldn't get over me, poor thing" Ultimately it won't really matter that much to her.
You have been blessed with a life of great opportunity. Many people are not, why is that? I sense that you believe in an afterlife of some kind, you told Jill you'll see her again. Has it occurred to you that perhaps life will give you a life of less opportunity next time around? Something even harder to surmount. Perhaps its conceivable that a willful suicide is a slap in the face to life and you may have to fight even harder next time to prove yourself worthy of its bounty. I am not trying to frighten you or even saying this is true, I just want you to THINK. Reason. Be grateful. Show your gratitude by working hard to do good and to love and by not giving in to darkness and despair.
This has gotten really long and I may have missed the mark on a few points, maybe I assume you don't know or haven't considered things you are fully aware of.
Or maybe you think you can't do it.
You can't live the strong happy life you want so you don't want to live. I assure you, you are much stronger than you think. You can do it. It is the nobler thing to do. You will be proud of yourself when you make it through this and it feels great to be proud of yourself.
You will love passionately again and you might be one of the ones that gets it right with a soulmate. If that's the one thing you want out of life and you seek it single-mindedly I believe you can achieve it. Or just about anything else you work for.
This letter alone should provide you with a clue that life loves you. That there is great wonder and magic here for you to play with. Just think about all the amazing people you have yet to meet. People like me, also struggling through life, also plagued by dark thoughts and battling hard to move forward, to find meaning and answers, looking for God. We are in this together my little bro. All of us. Don't leave yet, the party's just getting started. We need you and we love you.
I said I don't want anything from you but I guess I lied.
I want you to never give up. I want you to summon your strength. To push through. To LIVE! I want you to experience the great many delights that lie ahead of you and I want you to join the fight against all that attempts to snuff out beauty or deny love. I want you to be beautiful so that I can live in a more beautiful world. Please?
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Posted by Rosa
on 2008-02-16 04:21:33
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I understand the Pain. I lost the Woman I loved, But not by her leaving me or not wanting me. She died. And Yes I wanted to die. But I was strong enough to think of all the other people in my life. Do you really want to pass the pain you feel onto them. I don't think so. People used to say , time heals the heart. I used to say Bull Shit. But it does, the pain never fully goes away, But you will be able to carry on and in time find someone who means as much to you as she did. Don't deny yourself of finding that again. Don't give into a moment of weakness
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Posted by onetoejeff
on 2008-02-16 09:36:55
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Do you even know what it's like to cry over someone when you odon't even know them? I do.
The whole time I read that, I don't know why, but it made me so sad. Well, I do know why. You're sad, and I hate it when anyone's sad.
But I'll tell you what I told a friend of mine who tried to kill himself 4 times, I love you no matter what. That's probably weird, but I know that I love evryone in the world, no matter what, and in that one moment of weakness, just know that even strangers love you. Imagine how much your friends and family love you. It's infinite. And if one girl doesn't maybe the world isn't over. Are you really going to let her be the only one who matters for your happiness?
I know it must hurt worse than any other pain in the world, but give it some time, and gon't let her keep up with her games, because you never know, the perfect girl for you may be right under your nose. Imagine the love you'd be denying yourself.
Don't kill yourself, please. Go home, see your family. Hug them and tell them you love them. Pour your hear out and cry until you can't anymore. And then try to move on from her, because things can get better, I promise.
I'm always here to talk. Not that I expect you to want to continue to talk to a stupid little 14 year old girl, but maybe you do, maybe you like the way I word things, and that I can relate to the overwhelming emotions and sensitivity.
Stay strong.
bye.
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Posted by strandedxalone
on 2008-02-16 21:48:56
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| Views: 239
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