Current mood: amorous

Okay folks.  We all want it.  We all yearn for it.  We all crave it.  LOVE.  Everyone wants to be loved.  Now my question for the day is this:  When you finally get love why do you not want it suddenly? Why does it have to be difficult?  Why does it have to be complicated?  Why does it have to be a challenge?  Why can't it be easy?  Why can't it always be right?  Why can't I have love with the person of my choice?  I know I am not alone out here!

Over the last 6 years I have had love pounding on my door.  BANGING!  Sometimes to get out, and sometimes love is trying to get in, running from this crazy world in which we live.  At times I treat love like a Jehovah Witness on its Saturday Mission to save souls.. leave love's ass standing outside, peeking through my windows.  Other days I am willing to engage with love.  I am willing to risk it all and go to the edge too.  But never am I all at the same time, with the same person consistently. 

There's nothing consistent about love except it's presence.  It's always around, but comes in many different shapes and forms.  I don't know.... seems like men are shying away from it, women are chasing after it, kids are looking around calling out it's name, and the elderly... it's almost like they forget about it. 

Somedays I wonder if its worth engaging in at all.  Should I open myself up to love, who is never consistent?  I am not speaking of the person.  LOVE.  Should I offer my heart to a situation?  My job?  My crackhead relative?  Offer love to the kid I see get his ass whipped after school next to my house?   Can I love my pet?  How about loving my favorite television show? 

Situations change.  People get fired.  Crackheads lie, and cheat AND STEAL.  Kids are unpredictable, and that could back fire on me. Pet's die.  Shows get cancelled and writers strike.   So why bother to love?

By engaging in the love ritual you are taking that risk of being hurt.  Is it worth it all?  I have had about 10 sets of friends declared eternal love, "till death do them part" over the last 4 years...... damn..... what a challenge to undertake... all for love. 

I have found that I love hard and true.  If I say it, I mean it and I stand by it indefinitely.  A very good friend of mine asked me today "what is a bonified deal breaker for me?"  hmmmmmmmm I had to pause and think for a moment.  It depends on the circumstances for me.  Why? always plays an important role in me acknowledging a deal breaker for love. 

For many of you, a deal breaker is a m'fer not acktin right.  Am I right?  lol... well it's not that simple for me... which is why love get's me every time.  I need to make my deal breaker list much longer I suppose.  But I like to treat everyone the way I would like to be treated.  Love when able.  Love hard. Love true.  Love faithfully.  Love long.  LOve, love LovE, and then love some more.  Listen then embrace and then love.  I have no idea where I came up with this mindset.  I have been hurt by many.  But I love double the number that has hurt me.  I try to block off getting to know people and caring.  I attempt to shut down my feelings and run on auto.  It never works.  There is always a small moment where I have to question "to love or not to love" ... and most times I love. 

Over the last year I have written lot's of blogs about me being me and that's the only way I know how... but I have to wonder why I keep getting the shitty end of the deal when it comes to love, while everyone else turns their backs on love and leaves love out on the doorstep.  Some of you are peeking out the curtains watching to see what will happen, while many of you are hearing love knock... and going right on back to your regularly scheduled program. 

I know many of you are out there like myself wondering.... can life be lived without love?  Or is there a way I can love and not get hurt? 

They say you can't experience real love until love has hurt you in some way.  I guess that's when you are supposed to dig in and really get to the nitty gritty of love. 

I don't know, I just want to love and be loved.  That's it.  I want to trust someone with my intimate moments where I am weak.  I want to hold someone when they are weak.  I need someone to soothe my soul when I hurt and I can't share it with anyone without even saying a word.  Just be there.  I need someone to love me despite my flaws, and allow me to love back, despite theirs.  I want to be able to love when I am away... and when I am close.  I want to not feel guilty, because I love hard.  I want my love to give wings to someone, not shackles and  dead weight.  I want to love always and forever, and I do not believe it is an option for me not to acknowledge loves presence. 

Is there anyone out there that understands my late night rant tonite? 

To love or not to love... that is the question.  What is your answer?