| View Blog
|
| Reflections for Today--a moment of self-doubt
|
|
|
|
In a recent
reading of posts
--as well as often in daily thoughts--
I have these moments of weakness...
Moments that completely cripple me
and make it difficult to focus
on my daily duties.
These duties include ones I don't
necessarily HAVE to complete that day
but would be good if I COULD take them on.
What makes matters worse is when
I read/hear about someone
else's happiness or
adventures
or success stories.
Here is someone making the most
of their day and life...and all I can do is
mope and--in a small way--wish things for them
were not so rosy or wonderful. Just to know
they had to struggle a bit...to suffer
from difficult people...
It makes me feel more at ease.
I am continually jealous of others younger
than me achieving far more than I have even
though I KNOW I only fail to achieve
because I am afraid to try.
I have almost zero confidence in trying.
I always want to have a guarantee...to know
everything will go smoothly...perfection. But, that is
so unrealistic. So, why do I indulge
in such thinking?
I get to thinking
about the things I want most
out of life. If I see/hear anyone else
with any item on that list, I get discouraged
and again jealous. What...Why do
I continue to just grind gears in this
mudslide...to remain in this
rut instead of listenning
to all the repeated advice I hear?
I keep saying "I know, I know" but never
ACT on what I "know". How sad is
that?
The OTHER side
of that coin is doubting I can even
acquire/find the things on my list. Sure, we
can all dream our days away thinking of all the
wonderful items we could have in life.
Almost any given day
someone can
ask me why am I still single
or why I don't have my dream job.
It is constant bombardment on top of seeing
and hearing other success stories
(well, I hear tragedies as well
which don't make me
feel better either).
I most recently have
had one of my doubts about
the dream relationship moments.
Instead of going out and meeting people
like...well, like "regular people":P...
I merely imagine what I want
to see and have...
I see many attractive women.
[Don't think you are unnattractive or just
"so so" til I say so.:P]
But, I don't act on my whims.
I have a thousand thoughts enter my
mind...thoughts about whether she has any
secrets I will regret learning after I let my "swooning"
mind lose control and take the plunge...thoughts
about any secrets I may devulge which SHE
won't like/want to hear that will end
any chance I had with one
of those sound clips
of a biplane from WW2
colliding with the ground(like Snoopy on his
flying ace dog house)...thoughts about my appearance...
Am I attractive? How is my expression?
Am I wearing the face I should be?
What is she seeing in me?
And then,
there are moments where
JUST when I start to have a little
extra confidence and esteem...when compliments
finally sink in and I think I have a shot at
chasing my perhaps
fantasy-oriented/imaginative dreams...
and/or when I meet someone
whom I really like
(whether just from pleasant
conversation that stimulates the mind
or from something much more interactive)...
that I start to doubt the future.
It could be a great
experience
if I just let it be and
go with the flow. But, with
everything going on around me
and in my head...
I wonder if I am focussing
on the right person...if I am ignoring
or forgetting someone else who
might matter more.
What if I get so consumed in
pursuing a dream
relationship
that
I forget
the importance
of friendship?
Ever since 2003,
I have had these strong,
passionate feelings. Feelings
I had never allowed myself to feel.
They came from a chat I had with someone
overseas. It was as if my mind
suddenly clicked into
a different
gear.
It was at first
frightenning and then strangely
appealing. I became caught up in another
form of fantasy. Did I really
need that?
Now, I worry that
these feelings will consume
my thoughts and further hamper
my ability to just be comfortable
around a woman I am
attracted to...
that I will turn them away
as my inner "tiger" forces its way
out of the "cage".
I never
wanted to be
associated with the "common man"
who thinks so much about sex
that he seems like
a mindless
machine.
[While, at the same time,
I look for anything I can find to associate
with my own gender as i find it difficult to make
male friends without fears of acting
or being "gay". I am just as
awkward about making
only female aquaintences as I am
about any woman who
claims to only have a
list of male
friends.]
I begin
to wonder if
I am worthy of a relationship
with anyone much less the person
closest to resembling my dreams. Sure, I
could be fortunate in finding her.
But, what if as much as
I dream of such
a union,
I am only hampering
it with the rest of my life?
It's one thing to succeed at SOMETHING...
to win something you always wanted...
and another to be able to
maximize the
opportunity.
Some say you need to
love yourself...to be okay with who you are...
to have yourself and your life together...
before you attract the person
you should be with
or want the
most.
What if
you meet someone
so great at the "wrong time"
and have to see everything you wanted
fall apart because you didn't reach the same
plateau of happy independent life as they did?
Suddenly, you are a crutch, handicapped.
And, you realize you are bringing
it all down. I don't want
to cripple some great
woman with my
weaknesses
and/or fears.
But, here is opportunity.
Here is the check for a billion dollars.
Here are the tickets to your trip around the world.
Here are the keys to your Porsche 911 painted
and outfitted just the way you like it.
Here is the dream job with a
movie/animation
studio.
You just have
to have your life in order
to claim your prize.
No?
Your life
is still a cluttered
mess because you didn't wise
up and be a responsible, confident
adult like everone else ahead of you?
Oh, what a shame. Now we have
to tear up the check...
send back the
Porsche...
give the tickets...
give the job to someone else...
I blew it. All because I
chased the dream
before I
was ready.
Is there such a thing
as being ready like this?
Or can you make it
work no matter
what?
[I'm getting
a headache. Maybe
I went too far with this.
I am almost sure of it. But, I felt
I had to let out a few of the
many lesser than
positive
or
wonderfully written
thoughts lingering in my head.
I am sure to get a few
"typical" responses.
But, basically, I was feeling
pulled in at least two emotional
directions. And, having talked to and
learned about a large number of people in a
short time(and it can be a week, month or year),
which taxes my mind/memory and spirit greatly
as I try to figure out the "right" one/s to give
my time and heart to, I began--as I
often do--to feel like it could
all vanish in a blink
as I sit and dream instead of "taking
care of business" in my life
to put ME together
first.
I struggle so much to
focus on the other important
matters in life other than the potential
for a great romance that it worries me to no
end at the same time I indulge in fantasy
to keep my mind off such worries
and to keep my hopes alive.
I hope with these
words of rippling reflection
I may have an "epiphany" and wise up...
snap out of my fantasies long enough to figure
out the plan and/or find the right person/s to make
them a reality. Now I need to rest my brain:P] |
|
Posted by brainstormer on 2008-02-20 00:26:04 | Rating: | Views: 196
|
| |
|
|
| Blog Comments
|
|
|
|
If you could get that across in real life to a potential love interest, you would be very attractive to her.
You are vulnerable, yet very strong willed.
Cultivate that into everyday living.
I did not know you were so sentimental.
You wear it well.
|
|
Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2008-02-20 03:59:55
|
|
|
|
|
All I can say right now is wow. You may be just what every woman is looking and hoping for
|
|
Posted by expectingtofly
on 2008-02-20 06:11:22
|
|
|
|
|
There is an old saying: "If you see a rainbow, it is always on some one else's head, never on your own". But this perception is not only yours, as other people will think the same too. In other word, never think that other people are always happier or more successful than yourself. Everyone have their ups and downs in this life. So believe in yourself and marching on...
|
|
Posted by Gwatlan
on 2008-02-20 15:45:32
|
|
|
|
|
I've come to believe, or perhaps just utterly hope, that we are never ready. Every person you meet in life may not be the "right" one but they still can bring some value to your life (if you look hard enough). Fear, unfortunately, is the worst and strongest boundary that we build around ourselves. Not being good enough, is this person the right one, will someone else better come along and I'll miss it, am I ready... You can spend your life pondering these questions in fear and self-doubt (which we all do occasionally) or throw caution to the wind and say I'm going to give this a shot because I have truly nothing to lose except possibly getting hurt, learning a lesson, and moving on... Life could be much worse... in my opinion of course :)
|
|
Posted by nadira
on 2008-02-21 09:42:58
|
|
|
|
|
Wow, Brainstormer...that was incredible. Honest, raw and I'm SO thankful that I decided to click on your new blog. You are an amazing man and I am proud to be your friend. I don't think I've ever read a more honest, beautiful blog. Go out there and take the world by the balls, my friend! You have much to offer the right woman and she will be the luckiest woman on the planet to have you as her man. Feel the fear and do it anyway. You're an exceptional writer. Peace.
|
|
Posted by Ellie2008
on 2008-02-21 19:00:17
|
|
|
|
|
Brainstormer, you are just the sweetest thing!!! Your writing is beautiful! If that is truly what is in your heart dear man, all I have to say, you don't have to concentrate so hard on finding someone that is perfect for you, it will happen. You have the most romantic heart. You make me smile!!!
|
|
Posted by keepdreaming
on 2008-02-23 01:15:39
|
|
|
|
|
Kind words from wishy-washy hypocrites and warnings of boredom with me have weakenned my spirits and renewed belief in my doubts.
|
|
Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-02-24 21:40:13
|
|
|
|
|
wow you are a really good writer ive just come back from a long vacation and was just checking up on the Mythoughts account and i loved what you had wrote on my goofy blogs, but man your stuff is really easy to read. Oh honestly I found out and its just my opinion that a companion isnt always the answer. My fantasy is to one day be homeless and to be completly free of everything work, responsibility just EVERYTHING maybe a week or a month or as long as it takes. I feel for you though. It sounds like your really good with words and im sure somebody thats right for you will hear you.
|
|
Posted by risingmoonfart
on 2008-02-26 11:00:05
|
|
|
|
|
I have never been, nor will I ever be, wishy-washy, flip-floppy, fickle, or have two faces...what you see is what you get. Oh wait...you don't see anything do you?? Well, once a friend, forever a friend...unless you turn postal on me...then you're on your own buddy. :) Hey, did you draw that cartoon guy? If so, you did an awesome job...I'd know...I'm an artist myself.
|
|
Posted by keepdreaming
on 2008-02-28 00:38:32
|
|
|
|
|
|
