No sooner than my last need to vent, I find another. Like a carpet being pulled out from under me. Like security falling apart. Like being evicted without feeling it's deserved.
I woke this morning feeling such a shakey, cold feeling. The feeling of being utterly alone in the world. No family(none in the house). [And, those around/near me don't always--if at all--please me other than a chance offer of support, shared time or weak security.] No friends(other than casual chatting buddies here right now). And, without going into several personal details(still not crazy about just discussing every lil thing in public), I find myself feeling rather incapacitated...incapable of completing many tasks most people don't even think twice about and just do. Sort of like a person afraid to jump in the pool the first time next to a bunch of people who are more fish than human doing it like breathing.
I was so afraid and unstable(I have my moments). I felt I could see the future, and it wasn't nice at all. [Of course, it never seems good when you realize the world changed dramatically the year after I graduated high school. Everything changed...but I remained alone in my "hole" sorting myself out.]
How ironic(if you knew me) I would relate myself to the Marvel character Iron Man and his imperfect/complicated heart/life. And, when I get some new gadget and it either comes imperfect or soon becomes "damaged goods"(like possibly a new computer)...or when another member of my family pays someone for a service and find themselves getting a shotty job done...I feel like that defective product or shotty job. I often feel like I was not wired correctly. Like my body and mind were not given the proper components to function as others do. Sure, maybe it is just a sad way of pacifying myself...lulling me into a dank, dark pit of senseless security in my own depression away from facing fears. But, it's how I feel. And, yes, I have proven myself able to do things I never thought I would or could.
I used to be the third slowest kid in my grade school class. Only the fattest kid and one unusual girl were slower than me(and, boy, did they look sad on the track). But, I wasn't fat. I didn't understand how someone as small and slim as me would find it hard to run a mile. It wasn't til I was a teenager that I started to think otherwise of myself. To think something was surely wrong with me. It was then I faced my darkest hour yet. And, hopefully(pray like no tomorrow) it is all behind me.
On top of the initial morning feeling...there was the feeling I had yesterday alone at Best Buy and today at the grocery store and office supply store. If anyone watches the Simpsons and knows of the episode when Bart sells his soul and then has the dream of all the other kids having their souls to play with...that is how I felt/feel. I stood there in that electronics store with a purpose(questions to be answered). But, when you don't feel supported or accompanied by families or friends...when you don't trust the staff or anyone taking your hard earned money for something so difficult to return...you might feel like a free-standing figure of playdoh. If you don't reinforce that figure somehow...it starts to soften and fall over. And, I felt like I might tip or crumble at any minute. I was looking all around me and finding faces looking at me...seeing how disturbed or lost I might have been...I might have been trouble looking the way I did...security on the phone... And, not a soul to back me up. No escape route except to turn tail and march out of there empty handed and without my answers. [And, that pretty much was the result. The help I found were clearly half-witted and ill-prepared. You are really lucky if you find one person in a dozen there who knows their stuff.]
Then today while shopping for PC stuff and groceries...
First, I felt that same feeling from yesterday even though I felt less at risk or in the public eye(just cuz the place wasn't as full). I spent more time staring at packages than I probably needed to just to be able to breathe easier and make an assured decision. I hate people who hem and haw over the simplest of things...and here I was being one of them.
Then, I found myself remembering why I dont shop for groceries on a Sunday. The place was packed. And, though usually I run into families with noisy kids being obnoxious...this time I found a wide array of young couples. All unique and unusual match-ups. And, me without my "partner". And, though it allowed for me to move quicker for myself...I was unable to navigate through the traffic. I was suffocating in a sea of couples. [If you read the rabbit story--refer to the Telephone Tree and how the rabbit runs into that crowd at the base of the hill.]
It DID help to get the fresh air and exercise...that took some of the edge off my nerves. But, it didn't solve the matter.
As the saying goes...you learn to appreciate one thing when you are away from it. When you are always around people, you learn to appreciate solitude. When you are alone often, you learn to appreciate those you DO have in your life. I just don't fully appreciate what I have...and, frankly, I don't have much.
Anyway, that's my thoughts for today.
| Views: 162
Email This to a Friend 
