I find myself a rare breed.  I don't smoke, drink, fool around, or play with myself.  Nor do I like crowded places, dance, swim or play sports(I have been known to play a lil volleyball or freestyle tennis/raquetball or mini golf now and then).  I find myself unable to connect with most people other than in a rare good conversation.  If I am lucky, it can last a few hours and "get my juices going."  But, it eventually comes to an end, and I must once again face the lonely reality.  It's good to counsel others--and I would be great at it--but people get to me eventually and I must carry the "burden" of their stories alone(who can I vent to with trust?).  I have no friends(none in the sense of people I "hang out" with or can trust with my heart), no love of my life. 

I think some people are afraid of me.  Many say I act as if I am better than them.  I am just different.  I never claim to be better or call people scum.  But, I also cannot deny when I AM better than someone at something--I mean, I have to have SOME confidence or esteem in my abilities/convictions. 

And, all around me, what do I see?  Broken hearts, failed or failing marriages, cheating partners, sexual vampires, energy vampires, single parents, drug addicts(as well as other forms of addiction), lost souls, kids whining, parents yelling... 

And, on TV, what do I see?  Shows of lacking quality and public degredation, cheesy reality shows, tons of bad news of increasing disaster(on the positive side, some quality public television programs)...

And, on the radio, what do I hear?  Songs about relationships gone bad...love, sex and affairs...depression...despair...anger...hate...

Silence is deafenning.  I direly need positive energy to keep me going.  But, hearing of others good fortune does not make me any happier.  It is sadly self-centered of me to feel any jealousy or displeasure. 

How does one such as me survive in this world?  Past my 20s, losing my hair(and maybe my mind:P), living with deformities/disability/weakness, never in a relationship, not the most independent person, not brash and unemotional like many men, afraid of rejection, afraid of failure...  Some days it feels like a miracle. 

But, where to from here?  What prospects do I have?  Can I still find the love I seek or must I settle for less than what I hope for?  Is time running out?  Am I too late?  I can hear tons of voices telling me and directing me.  But, in all honesty, which is right?  Listen to my gut?  Meditate?  It's up to me?  Forget what others think?  But, I have to interact with so many other people.  I am not an island.  I do not want to be one either.

Just one of my "reaching out" moments of reflection.