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| Head Above Water and Keep It There
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Time to let off a lil more steam from the recent weeks. [Note: I may very well repeat myself from earlier posts of this nature.] I have had a number of ideas on what to write next thundering in my head but have yet to force any of them out into existence. I blame my otherwordly interactions here. I have talked to many people, read and commented here and there(and subsequently checked back on those comments like a good lil blog boy should) and faced my share of "drama"(word to yer momma).
I find myself in a quandry. I find myself without a mate(a woman) and casually poking around for one(everywhere I go). And, I also find myself in need of a friend. But, when it comes to female friends, it seems impossible.
Especially when single "friends" either take a strong interest/flirt heavily(whether or not I like their "situation" is another story) or decide to keep their distance once they hear something themselves. Suddenly, "friend" is wiping itself from the vocabulary board, and I am unable to talk to this person about maybe another woman I am interested in myself.
And, what of women in relationships/married? Time is not always available to be the best of friends. And, when a married woman gets a lil too free with her time here, suddenly this casual acquaintance is looking more like an affair. Or, how do I relate to the married details and be a good friend when I know nothing of it?[More on this in a bit.]
I find it difficult to both talk about such things with women as well as to hear other women talk about the men they are seeing/finding. Why can't I separate myself and just be a listenner with an opinion? I want to make a PSA..."Friends don't flirt." And, I still may write one up on this. I don't have any male friends either that I can openly talk to about most of this stuff. So, I am really at a loss for freedom to speak and be heard/understood.
And, admit it. Once you get to knowing and interacting with people on here, you watch your words in posts. Right? So much for speaking our minds. Now we have to watch out for our own mousetraps on the floor. Walking on eggshells...not a good friendship foundation.
I still am not sure if I am even friend worthy or a good friend to anyone. I have talked and listenned so much without achieving anything lasting that I have become a bit blind, deaf and dumb to what's around me. I am tired. I am spent. I just want things to happen. I don't want to fight or work too hard. I feel as if I am getting lazy and comfortable with fear...and I know it's a red flag I don't like at all. But, I am always confused as to what good I am as a friend. I feel more like a toy or a blog website than a friend. Blah.
WANTED: Someone I can call a friend with whom I will have no quams about mixed feelings or risk sexual relations. Someone who can talk with me about anything and feel good about it later. Someone who won't give up on it before I do:P Someone who will give me courage so that I may pay them back tenfold(whether in courage or other means). Someone I can hang out with and not be uncomfortable. To be comfortable and happy to share freely.
WANTED: A woman to travel the world with and spend the rest of my days loving who will pay me back tenfold(even if I feel I don't deserve it or owe her)...a joy and an inspiration(details pending).
I have seen new members rise and older(or not so old) ones fall or retreat/reboot. I have tried to be kind and honest with more people both online and off than I can count, and it has taken its toll on my body and brain.
I could easily say "screw this" and go on hiatus, but where am I going? And, with who? Why didn't I enter the writing contest? Well, isn't it obvious?
Anyway, I have to stay strong and keep treading water as best I can. Head above water and keep it there. Will I ever find what I seek? Will it take sacrifice and lowering standards to get it/something? Will I ever be as smart as people think I am? Will I do anything amazing with it?
Land ho! Drama dead ahead! Ensign, set course for first post on the right and on til morning...
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Posted by brainstormer on 2008-05-27 22:15:00 | Rating: | Views: 159
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I don't know what to say, i'm not yet sure if I fit into any of those friend categories or not, i hope I do though.
The times we have spoken in the last weeks I feel that I have learnt some things about you, you are much kinder and gentler than you wish people to think you are, you have a big heart and have time for people even if you don't think they deserve it, you are a very good listener and when you start to trust someone you do open up about your feelings, perhaps you should be showing everyone that gentler side to yourself, it doesn't mean you will get hurt if you let someone in once in a while,
then maybe you will start to see the better sides of other people too.
I don't know, its just my opinion, but then i've been awake all night eating curly wurlies and hunting for the organs from my operation game ;)
no luck there though :(
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-05-28 14:35:22
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saggy piggy says that wall, oh that wall!!! HELLO BS!!
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Posted by Katydids_and_daisies
on 2008-05-28 17:52:07
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I just want to make this clear and hope it gets through to people...It is not cool to call me BS:P Bullseye gets to be called BE...so it's like no matter what he exists, and all is good. But, BS? Who wants to be called BS?:P Just call me brainy or stormer or brainstormer. MKay? Mkay.:P
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-05-28 21:35:53
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I agree with luckluci..you have a brilliant mind! We all get hurt, brainstormer...but keep the walls down. Otherwise you might just scare off someone really worthwhile. (Thats not to say, wear your heart on your sleeve!)
Chin up...walk straight ahead with a smile on your face :)
Tomorrow will be better :)
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-05-29 01:55:38
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well brain your want is real but is your reality grounded in the mundane and actual??? Gotta ask. Poke around in the unusual places to seek..... I bet you are poking iaroun di the usual places hoping a new woman will pop out. Want new? go New. Go where peopl;e volunter their time to others. Thats the kind of place you may find what you seek. forget the size and shape of the package and check for contents of great value. :)
with love and respect.
lampy
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Posted by lampoil
on 2008-05-29 03:21:53
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Lamp, you might be surprised the variety of people I find appealing/attractive. Sometimes/many times, it's more about choosing or confidence to try that makes the difference. Sometimes too many choices/second thoughts; sometimes fear takes control.
angelwings...Wait; let me see if I have these directions right. Walls down, off left, heart on--er, off...wait, that's two offs?...chin up straight...no, walk straight up...er, just straight..uh--oh--okay, I-I think I got it now:P
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-05-29 18:36:41
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Okay, how about the stormeister!?
I enjoyed reading this post, and I enjoyed having a chat to you this week. You surprised me! I find your comments a breath of fresh air and honest.
You'll get there I'm sure, if you really want to!
Enjoy your freedom, enjoy your friends, the rest will follow eventually (no I didn't just crack open a Fortune cookie!)
Ps. you complain you are not on my friends list ... I've sent you a request ... have you rejected it? or just ignored it? I know how you feel about the term - so....?
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-06-04 21:30:59
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