Sitting in the office of the elegant and refined Dr. Lana Lotus, a moderately compassionate yet not-so-imaginative therapist, Brainstormer seeks professional help with his life. His recent experience in Thoughtsland has made it evident that he has a chronic problem with speaking artistically. His hope is to get to the bottom of this riddle-turning and metaphor-injected problem so that he may finally be able to speak clearly and with confidence. However, he has been "blessed" with a rather attractive therapist.
A few minutes into the session...
Dr. Lotus: "Mr. Brainstormer, can you tell me what you think is holding you back the most?"
Brainstormer: "Well, obviously, fear. You know, the thing I keep bringing up but you keep missing somehow?"
Dr. Lotus: "Well, no, I haven't missed anything. It's just every time we broach a sensitive subject, you break into what some might call poetry, song lyrics or some other form of artistic endeavor. Can you tell me--straight out--from what this all stems?"
Brainstormer: "Well, isn't that why I'm here, doc? To figure that all out? To untie the knot that is in my brain like a squishy, sweaty pretzel just throbbing... You know. Like something out of a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Or, maybe, Woody Woodpecker. You know the one where--"
Dr. Lotus: "Mr. Brainstormer! If you would please--"
Brainstormer: "Please WHAT, doc? What do you want me to DO?"
Dr. Lotus: "Please stop painting pictures and just tell me the truth."
Brainstormer: "I thought I WAS...doing that, doc. I thought I WAS telling the truth. I-I can't help the way i-it comes out!"
[And, then, it begins...]
Brainstormer: "IIIf you want to know the truth, I can paint it on the ceiling. I can frame it down the hall. I can put it in a book. I can write it on the waaaaall. I can write some half-ass poetry or sing my autobiography. But, never, ever, ever...can III put it on the line...in fewer words than seventy-nine. 1979. A good year and a good song by Smashing Pumpkins, by the way."
Dr. Lotus: "Mr. Brainstormer! That's enough sidetracking!"
[Finally, he breaks from his routine and gives her his undivided attention...for about five seconds.]
Dr. Lotus: "Now then, tell me about your mother."
Brainstormer: "Ever seen the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz?"
Dr. Lotus: "That's cruel!"
Brainstormer: "Well, then I guess you're not familiar with the ways of the Amazons, either."
Dr. Lotus: "Well, what about your father, then?"
Brainstormer: "Do you have any theater gloves? I can tell you without saying a word. Or, maybe just five words, since that's about all he can get in 'edgewise'."
Dr. Lotus: "But, what does that mean? What's it all about?"
Brainstormer: "Doc, if I had those answers, I wouldn't BE here. Now, would I? So, let me paint you another picture. See if that helps."
[The music suddenly changes to a drum-laden, sexy beat and Brainstormer begins to shake his shoulders and hips in the therapist's direction. Of course, the music is just in Brainstormer's head.]
Brainstormer: "I need a woooman...W-O-M-A-N..."
Dr. Lotus: "Well, I suppose that should be obvious, but--"
Brainstormer: "If you fell into my lap, I wouldn't feel like crap. If you let down your hair, I might grow a pair and say--"
[She responds by retreating up the front of her desk with concern in her eyes as black eyeglass frames dip down her slender nose.]
Dr. Lotus: "Huh-ho! Don't you DARE--"
Brainstormer: "Well, why not? ..."
Dr. Lotus: "Because then I'd have to SWEAR!"
Brainstormer: "Ha! You just made a rhyme."
Dr. Lotus: "Huff! I did? Awh, crud. Look, WHY can't you just tell me what I want to know without being...silly...and off-the-wall?"
Brainstormer: "Cuz that wouldn't be any fun...AAAAT AAAAAAAAAALL..."
[And, as his note carries to music, he begins to spin like a top...like a Russian ballet dancer. And, without planning it, the therapist stumbles and falls into him before landing on his lap as he slams down upon her therapy couch.]
Dr. Lotus: "Mr. Brainstormer, I think you have a serious problem."
Brainstormer: "TELL me about, lady." [Bum!]
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