Thoughts.com Blogs - Cybermetaphisiwhatsit Nightmare

I am standing on a rain soaked street lined with the shadows of closed shops and lit with the pale yellow light of a half dozen old-fashion lampposts late into a spring evening. As I feel the a cool breeze come upon my sensitive face, I hear voices whisper...

"Come on..."

"Go ahead..."

"Try..."

"Why aren't you trying...?"

Then I take a step forward as I lose my balance a bit. I can almost hear the sounds of approval. I take another step. There it is again. The sound of a smile. Or did I just see a smile? But, something does not feel right. I am not sure whether I am acting on my own or being directed toward something. Then, the breeze becomes a stronger wind pushing me around. I hear other voices...

"Jerk...erk...erk..."

"Freak...eak...eak..."

"Talk to me...alk to me...alk to me..."

"You're such a loser...ooser...ooser..."

"Talk to me...alk to me...alk to me..."

"Tell me more...more...more..."

"Get lost...ost...ost..."

I get knocked down onto my knees and then jerked around. The wind continues to fight me, and I fight it til I am able to stand on both feet again with tears frozen in my eyes. I scream to be left alone, and suddenly the wind reverts back to the gentle breeze.

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I look back. The stretch of road behind me looks the same as the one in front but I cannot see as far back as I would like. Or, I won't let myself? My eyes seem to be playing tricks on me. Suddenly, I feel a draft between my legs. I look down to find my pants missing. Was I wearing pants? Am I wearing a tan trenchcoat? Am I a detective? What am I?

As I manage to slow the whirlwind of questions, I feel a shred of confidence...or something that makes me feel slightly better about myself. And, the more I embrace it, the stronger the feeling becomes. It becomes intoxicating. I laugh at myself. I'm no drinker. But, then, what is causing this feeling? Have I been standing here so long that I have lost my mind? Another whirlwind spins me around with thoughts flying in all directions. I start to feel sick. I ask and then beg the spinning to stop. I see faces of people I have cared about come and go. The ones I wish would stay don't answer my calls. And, the ones that stay fresh in my mind I push away.

I scream, "Enough!"

Silence.

I cannot move myself any further. Or I won't? I feel as if I have an earache. Something stabs me in the back. I feel as if I am being pushed from behind. I try to stand firm, but that something keeps pushing me. Why won't it leave me alone?

Just to get it off my back, I take a step and then another. Before long, I am creeping along the dark road with my shoulders hunched and my fingers picking at each other in disagreement. I glance from side to side as if expecting to see something. But, all I see are the shadows and the lampposts. Or, maybe my eyes refuse to see.

A white square flips in the air before dropping ahead of me like a snowflake. I run to collect it. It is a photograph of a young woman. She is beautiful. She is everything I could hope for. Isn't she? But, the image keeps changing. My eyes are playing tricks again. Suddenly, the photo leaps from my hand and flies away. My right hand is left extended toward the night sky as if waiting for it to return. I find myself staring at the stars for a while.

Eventually, my eyes return to the street in front of me. I suddenly find myself at an intersection. I can hear the sounds of traffic though there are no cars in sight. In an attempt to get past the noise, I dare to take a step forward. A red blur races inches ahead of me and forces me back a step. I try again. A green car this time. The more I try, the more cars appear.

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Suddenly, I find myself moving in slow motion with the blurring cars passing me by in all directions. Which ones are going the right way? Which ones are going the wrong way? I see infants staring out rear windows. I see the shadows young couples having sex or making love in back seats. I see families. Some bicker while others smile and laugh together. So many lives of which I am not a part.

When the motion finally ceases, I am back to being alone on the rain soaked street. I see all that I saw before, but that same intersection I just encountered is a few yards ahead of me. I nervously scramble to the corner and attempt to look left and right to spot any oncoming cars.

Nothing but darkness.

I feel as though I have been down this road before. I have been encouraged to move my feet before. I find a bad taste in my mouth that won't go away. I've experienced this taste before, as well. Or, have I? I question my own experiences. I think of all the things I have not done. Things I want to do. Or, do I? What if what I say I want to do is merely something I feel the need to do? What if I am still not in control of myself?

I am so tired of questions.

I clutch my skull as it seems to be clamped in a vice, grit my teeth and force myself to take a few steps. But, with my eyes half-shut, I can't be sure if I am moving forward, backward or any other direction. I hear familiar voices in my head again...

"You are SO talented."

"You are SO smart."

"You can have anything in the world"

"You can have anything you want."

I am uncertain whether or not I should listen. But, I feel as if I have wasted enough time standing around. I feel as if I will simply wither and die if I remain where I am. And, yet, I fear if I listen to the voices, I may make a huge mistake. I tell myself that I must remain in control.

As I lean forward, I hear a car honk before racing by, but I see nothing. It is..or was...invisible. I hastily cross the street before any others come along.

Suddenly, the color of the lights changes from a pale yellow to a neon pink. Then, a fluorescent green. Or, maybe a mixture of colors. It is like staring at a traffic light I can't quite see. The ground trembles for a moment. Then I hear a shrill sound like a swarm of bats screeching while exitting their cave. Somewhere in the middle of the noise, I hear disturbing voices...

"Fresh meat... Fresh meat..."

"Tasty...asty...asty"

"Tempting...empting...empting..."

"Mine...ine...ine..."

"I want it...it...it..."

"Help me...help me...help me..."

"Nnno! Help mME!...ME!...ME!..."

Suddenly the blacktop begins to crack and split. Hands spring up from the holes and pull their bodies to the surface. My eyes begin to lose focus, again. My vision distorts itself like TV static. The images of people emerging from underground shift between humble everyday citizens and zombies with pale grey flesh and hair like celery green straw or seaweed.

Before I can listen to my own inner voice to get away, they are all around me. There must be millions of them. Or, maybe just a handful? They beg for my assistance. A little girl wants a father. Then, a moment later, she wants some money. An older woman wants a second chance at love after losing her husband. Then she simply wants to tear my clothes off so she can remember what sex feels like. Another has lost almost every member of her family and is feeling lonely. Then, she too is begging for sex. It seems strange to see someone so docile turn into a starving deviant. A man in a business suit wants all my artwork and everything I have ever worked on in my life. Then he laughs, tears something from my body and runs away for a second before coming back for more. I can see money escaping me like a leak in a balloon before flying into the air. A younger guy no older than me wants my artwork and stories, as well. He begs for my autograph. As he tugs at my hand, I find a pen between my fingers and reluctantly wave it in the air just to make him let go. He cackles about the money he will make. Another holds a screen in front of me and insists I watch. The images I see in between storms of static mess with my head and give me a terrible headache. A young boy wants to kick me in the shins and seems to think it is funny. Then, in the blink of an eye, he is withering away from neglect. A clump of skin and bones begging for and then demanding donations.

If they all had one voice, it would seem they were shouting, "Feed the need!"

There are moments when I can move my feet, but I am lucky if I can take a single step. Before long, I feel cemented to the pavement.

As the hungry souls begin to tear at me as if I was a "giving tree", I see a light in the distance. And, in that light, I see everything of which I have ever dreamed. It is all relatively within reach if I can just break free and run a few yards ahead...if I can "get the first down". I seem protected from dissection as long as I don't give in to the "monsters".

I see an angel. I have seen her before in a dream. But, she seems so far away. And, the longer I stare, the greater the distance between us grows. She is fading from sight. Or, is she? Is it just another trick of my eyes?

Members of the mob around me see the light, as well. They tell me to ignore it. 'Tell me that is just my imagination. 'Tell me to grow up. 'Tell me to give in. 'Tell me that what I have to offer them is just as important and worthwhile as what I see in the light.

I try to ignore or refuse their demands, but they hiss at me, "How dare you! You think you are better than us!" And, they proceed to get louder til I can no longer hear myself think.

As the pressure of their hands intensifies upon my "protective skin", I can feel my strength rapidly diminishing. I can feel my eyesight failing. I can feel my body becoming corrupted like a computer. The warm color of my skin turning dark with the first hints of decay. And, as I try to regain focus upon the light beyond the faces in my way, I can see the light fading.

Suddenly, one of the women tears off my pants, splits my shirt and begins to have her way with me. I can feel her hot hands and slimy tongue in my skin. Soon, others follow. Despite reservations and electric red flags going off in my mind, I begin to slip beneath the covers of reason and into the depths of carnal pleasure. Icy touches send shivers up my spine. I am aware of the others tearing at my flesh and clothing, but seem too distracted to care.

Then a voice shouts out at me from the dwindling light. A brilliant ray reaches out overhead as I hear the voice cry, "What about your family?! Your dreams?! Your aspirations?!"

My eyes open wide for a second. My heart thumps. I can see the light again. Then all I see is a woman's face as she smothers me with sloppy kisses. I suddenly feel like I am being drenched with wet mud and no longer care where I am. I throw caution to the wind and give in to the demands of those around me. Before long I am being torn apart at the seams. And, in the blink of an eye...

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I am standing alone on a rain soaked street lined with the shadows of closed shops and lit with the pale yellow light of a half dozen old-fashion lampposts late into a spring evening. I look down to find myself...completely naked! As I cry out and scramble to cover up, I am no longer standing with my legs crossed. I don't even feel my legs! I can almost taste the road beneath me. I am nothing but a severed head?!

...Wake up...