No matter what I try to do
to avoid or work around the same old issues,
I seem to run into the same results.
People have a few theories
and feel free to either share them with me
or avoid talking to me at all til I am in
"a better mood".
Who wants to talk to someone in a bad mood?
But, maybe they need someone to talk to
when IN that bad mood.
When others need to talk or are in a bad mood,
I seem to be available and often will try to listen/help.
But, sometimes these people have upset or disappointed me
in some way.
And, in those instances, I am not too eager to play therapist.
Yet, I find myself being "the ear".
Once more,
I refer to experience online.
I have spent a handful of years using chat
with the hopes of meeting people
not just to "kill time"
or make "friends" I'll never or rarely ever
share time with face to face.
I would spend many long nights
and tell the same details of my life
over and over.
In the end,
all I am left with are stories I "heard".
Some situations I did not want to be part of.
Some who didn't want more than chat to fill that "kill" time.
And, alot of heartache.
And, it doesn't make me feel better
to have people tell me to lighten up
or to find someone in my area instead
or that I take things too seriously
or that I have "issues".
I am suffocated by the stories I "hear".
Divorce, rape, sexual escapades, cheating, fooling around, etc.
I am surrounded by single parents as well as unhappy couples
(and a few happier couples on a good day).
I cannot face my fears and risk rejection.
Or risk the story I dread to hear.
The situations I don't wish to be a part of myself.
But, I have to learn somehow.
I get to talking to people online.
And, I can have a good night.
A really good night.
Or even a good week.
But, what is that worth?
While I am sitting at a computer,
these people are living lives
beside the limited online time.
It amazes me how some people
can spend so much time online
and still live a "normal" life.
Some lucky bastards
--yea, I said it--
get to chat at work.
Some job that is.
Well, in any case,
I am talking to someone who is not in my area.
[How I envy those who are fortunate to meet someone
within 30 minute driving distance.]
And, I am hesitant to share of myself.
I've told these stories and aspects of myself so many times.
Like I said, I've spent years in chat.
Oh, but what harm can one more try be?
So, I crack open the clam and share of myself again.
And, I find myself surprisingly having an okay time.
Another good night...or week if I am lucky.
This feels good.
But, then...
I am still at a distance.
I am still hearing stories I may not like.
I am not sharing time with these people face to face.
I have no control.
I can do nothing but type on a screen
and tire my precious eyes
and waste electricity waiting for responses.
I can't pull myself away and get something
more important to my REAL life done.
So, I sit and I read something happenning
far, far away.
Something bad...terrifying...an injustice.
Something good for them...gratifying.
Something without me there.
I'm not the one they are interacting with.
And, I can do nothing.
Just sitting behind the screen "watching" it happen.
This is not living.
This is not friendship.
This is not romance.
This is not love.
This is not fun.
This is pathetic.
And, despite all I hear about how to handle it,
I am affected.
I am bothered.
I am fussy.
I am troubled.
I am concerned.
Every day I ponder just giving it all up,
sucking up the fact that I may have wasted my time
all these years not facing my fears
and throwing a fit
til I cry it all out and get on with my REAL life.
I just hope no matter what happens,
in the end,
it will all really matter
and have been worth something great.
I hope it will not be most or all a waste.
[I don't need more advice or stories, so save it.
I'm sure I've heard them all]
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