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| whats a guy to do when your body doesn't listen an
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Slowly over the last six years my body is slowly being taken from me, wasted area that once was strong muscle. The frustration that I feel at times makes me so angry that I want to break down and cry my head off! Its so difficult to explain, how yesterday I could reach out with my left arm and grab a cup from out of the cupboard and today I can't! I'm losing my arms a little to quick for my liking, and I'm starting to feel fatigue in my left leg now also, and that truly scares the crap out of me. I'm not too scared to die, but I am scared to live through this, but I will. I've been down the alternate route, and I will try not to have that happen again, but the thoughts are there. To lose your body bit by bit is bad enough, and being alone doesn't help muck either, to much time to think, to much time to wonder. If I had died that night aways back, would it have been better? I don't know, I do know the effect that it had on my kids, and its a guilt that I will never be able to shed. The doctor in the emergency room had a talk with me a couple of days after, and truly brought me back to reality with the words that he spoke. He was harsh, but truthful, and he was right. He told me that what had happened to me concerning my wife leaving me, happens to alot of others, that they can't cope with what is happening and break away. I can understand that, it can't be an easy thing to sit and watch as your 'loved one' slowly is taken from them. In my case, the verbal and emotional pain and abuse drove me to the action I took, taking 1000mg of morphine to end the pain I was feeling. After the doctors words sunk in, the "live for your kids, and show them how to die with dignity", this has been my goal from those days onward.
As my body quits, my frustration and loneliness grows, the pain that I have tends to add to the overall sense of futility. I'm having so much trouble now doing the things that I enjoy, last night i was on the ice assisting the coach on my kid Dylans' midget hockey team, and I had ahard time using a hockey stick. That is something I've been doing since I was four, and now I'm almost at the point where I'll have to tape the stick to my glove, lol! I was walking in West Edm mall the other day and bought a coffee to drink while we walked to mall. It sure didn't take me long to understand that I can't even carry a cup of coffee, it was too heavy, I had to throw it out, unreal! How much longer before I won't be able to look after myself? Here you go Bonnie, your wish is coming true, I won't be here too much longer, so you will have the kids, the house, my dog, everything, everything that I worked through my life for, and I'll be in the ground somewhere, still hurting in my soul!
Well, so much for that, I got to stop beating myself up for all thats happened in the last year, but I can't seem to stop. I can't seem to put up a wall to stop my emotions from running wild, one minute I'm good to go, then the other, I want to just open the flood gates and let it roll, but..... I'm sorry if i seem to keep going back to the same topic, but my hurt is deep, the wounds are still fresh, I guess its a good thing that I am going to see my shrink, to try and get the help I know that I need. When suicide is on the table, then yes, I better seek the help I know I need! Then I will tell you the story of my life, and it will shock the hell out of you, I look back and see it, knowing I was a player in the whole thing and I shake my own head in wonderment. So until then, thanks for being here!
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Posted by boval4466 on 2007-10-23 08:46:37 | Rating: | Views: 116
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hi boval,
wow. that's a lot to deal with.
i guess, like many people that are dealing with disease or depression you need to take things day by day or, if needs be, hour by hour.
good luck!
:o)
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Posted by badlydrawnstickman
on 2007-10-23 09:27:42
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I wish you all the best with the remainder of your life and I am so sorry for your children. My dad means the world to me, and I can't fathom the feeling of devastation I will feel when he passes. I won't pretend to know how you feel, but I will be here, and I will keep reading as you tell us all your story...
hugz~niki
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Posted by nikilynn1113
on 2007-10-23 18:35:56
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