As this time of the year slowly comes upon us, I can remember all the times when you hear about the holiday blues. Almost every year during the Christmas holidays you hear about someone who isn't having such a "merry" time. Then it makes me wonder, how many things do you not hear about. Probably more than a few is my guess, and I can see how easily one can fall into that realm. All you need to do is sit to long in one spot and that thing we call a brain kicks in and our thoughts start to roam. The ,what ifs, maybes and every other doubt and fear starts to seep in and grab hold of reason. It can and does happen way too often, and as I sit here and wonder, I can feel that draw towards despair, thanks be to God that I have this as my place to vent, to use this medium as my way out of the dark hole. 
   I was in Vancouver, B.C. this past weekend with my son. We were following route 87 ( you hockey fans probably know what I'm talking about), going to see his favorite team playing against Crosby and the Pittsburgh Penguins. We had a great time together, doing the bonding thing that young men and their Dads can only do, lol. I  have found a new appreciation for Miles , he has turned into a very nice young man, brings a tear to my eye to see him in that light, that he is no longer my little boy. I hope that I can have the pleasure of his company as he grows for years to come, but again that's in Gods hands. Now to turn my focus onto the other two kids, as we are heading to the mountains for a couple of days skiing during the holidays. I kind of figured that if I stay bust and stay focused, I can be relatively certain of a enjoyable time , during my first Xmas apart from my wife and kids. Believe me when I tell you, that a person can become depressed in a wink, with the wrong thought process happening, and that is scary. Okay, oops, kind of started onto the wrong path there for a sec, so anyway, With the time in Van and the upcoming time with D and Shelby, I should be worn out pretty well by the time January rolls around if i keep up this pace. I am curious to see how sore I am going to be after the first day of skiing, Something that I haven't done in about 15 years or so. I am sure of one thing though, its that every joint will voice its displease at me, but I am determined to go hard and just point the skis down the hill and let the rest sort itself out!
  I am so much looking forward to starting this year off in a more positive direction that what happened last year at this time. One year out and I'm alive and well, acknowledging that time does heal all wounds no matyter how serious they may have been. Mind you, I do still feel that hurt rise up at times, its so hard to turn off love once it flows, I can understand why there are those that say they will never open up like that again emotionally. The pain is all consuming, all encompassing, its complete. Well, I am going to try and tell you a story of things that have been buried for so long, but because of this disease and the time constraints, I feel a need to get this out and off my soul, call it therapeutic. Well,  here goes...
   I was born into a house filled with darkness. from my earliest memories, I can rarely remember any thing good, mostly only the bad. For example, I guess I was about 4 when my dad called me to the kitchen table and grabbed my hand, making me hold it open so he could examine it. You see, I was a thumb sucker and he was looking for the thumb that had been sucked clean, and when he found it, he held my hand on the kitchen table and grabbed a knife and made like he was going to cut it off. the beatings with the old army web belt, its the kind soldiers used, to hook or hang their kit on. That was his favorite, that and then telling us to go and get it, that was worse than anything, knowing what was going to happen when he got ahold of it. Those and then listening to Mom getting beat up at night and the hurtful words that were spoken to loud. From a early age, my sister and myself were told that we were mistakes, that he never wanted us, and so on. So it should be no surprise that we learned how to put up walls to separated the pain from our lives. It never really did the trick though, somehow it came right back and bit us in the ass. Between my sisters and myself, we ended up living on the streets in one fashion or another, but it was safe to say that we had issues to deal with. Personally, from the age of 12 on I had no real direction in my life, and then the rebellious part of me showed for the first time. For the next ten years my life was a roller coaster, the ups and downs were so quick that it almost didn't feel real. The adventures were just beginning! Well, thats it for now, but as I stated earlier, I need to do this, to get this out of my system! I pray that forgiveness will be granted  me.