"You love me don't you?  I mean, I know that you love me.  Why can't I just get that through my stupid head?  Why are you letting this happen to me?  I want so very much to trust you!  Why don't I just trust you?  I hate my distrust.  Please, help me.  Lord, help my unbelief!"

Yesterday instead of listening to the drives in my heart, I watched a total of 5 movies... yes.. 5 movies.. most all of which had to do with love.  My day did not exist because I "existed" it away with the lives and scenarios of people and characters who don't even exist. I did not talk to God hardly all day.  I can scarce remember any of the details, and it was only yesterday.  

Today was almost the same.  I spent all day... I mean all day on the computer.  Hooked to a dating website like a young pup to the mother wolf... or an Israelite to the golden calf.  I chatted with a few boys.. one conversation.. i kid you not, lasting for almost six hours.  and it didn't go anywhere.  I mean.. seriously.  The hours just wasted away, and I sat there... watching them fall carelessly.  

At seven I left the house for my women's bible study.  I was so moved by many things.  I felt God speaking to me directly on quite a few issues.  I learned that as the case was with Moses and Aaron... when we ask God to fill our need with a human being, idolatry is the result- for it was Aaron that Moses requested to go with him out of Egypt, but it was Aaron who ultimately built the golden calf.  I felt God telling me in my heart to stop with husband-idolatry.  

Brooke, He is saying to me.  My precious little one.  Do not worry about how I will bring you out of your misery.  Just know that it has been promised to you.  But, do not be like the Israelites and distract yourself with a silly idol.  And if you seek me every day, as I requested the Israelites to seek my manna each day, you will find nourishment and the freedom to live on.  And if you encounter a bitter piece of your soul, as the Israelites came to a river which was too bitter to drink, then I will cast a piece of tree into it to make it sweet again, just as you must put a piece of the cross to your bitter soul and sweeten it up.   Just as Moses would fervently demand my presence, you must do so as well, for then I will know that you love me.  And just as I relented and promised to Moses... I WILL BE WITH YOU.  

Oh God, I love you.

As I left the bible study, I was driving down the street.  The reality began to set in all it's streetlight splendor.  The glow of the city in the distance.  The harsh tongue of the music playing through the speakers.  The sprit began to drift away....

WHACK!

My glasses flew off my face.  I watched my car in slow motion eb forward and hit the car in front.  I put the car in park.  I turned off the music.  I got out.  It's ok.  I'm just a little scared that's all.  Everything's ok.  Just a bumper bump.  No harm done.  It's Ok.  Get back in the car.  

The silence pervades.  Start the car.  Go.

Oh God... you wanted my attention.

I am weak, fragile, soft...my mere life hangs just a small matter away from death.

Oh Lord, I have much to be grateful for.  

And on the drive home I cried.  I thought about what just happened.  Why did God choose for that to happen right there... at that moment?  What was He trying to tell me?

When I got home I admitted to not listening, for being selfish, for being lazy and uncaring.  God, I'm sorry.

And the I realized.

There's nothing like a near-death experience to bring you closer to your friends.  I realize I feel closer to my Lord now because I call him friend.  Oh God... you are here.  You never left.  I love you.