Why do I find myself here?

Why does it always end up hurting me?
Hurt me.

I don't understand your lunch dates... your seemingly attraction to me, yet when it comes down to it, cold as fucking ice.  You come to chat for me... you seem to want me.  But you run screaming each and every time we meet.  

Do these things usually take forever?

I wonder if you're lying to me.  If maybe you are just not attracted to me really.  If maybe our chemistry is not as good to you as you say.  I wonder if you keep me around for shits and giggles.

Listening to you today talk about how you treated that other girl.  How you brought her gifts and pursued her.  How you gave her another shot, and wanted to make it work.  What makes me different?  Is it because I don't have sex with  you?  Or is it because you have a block on your heart like you say that prevents you from falling in love with girls who would do you nothing but good.  And you say you can only fall in love with women who will harm you.

I will never harm you.

And so, is that why you cannot open up to me?  Is that why our interactions feel so robotic?  So devoid of care.

I want you.  I wish nothing but good for you and for this thing that is between us.  

Whatever you want to call it.

I want it to be tangible.

But, you've already set up a boundary for me.  


I wish I could have the guts to send this to you in a text...

I'm sorry I didn't kiss you today.  I can't grab your face and kiss you openly like I want to because you don't want me to fall in love with you.  And that is just the kind of behavior that makes one fall in love, now isn't it?