i think maybe it could have been because i smoked. i have been trying to stop for so long now that when i do, i feel like my whole day is shot to hell. and i use the smoking as an excuse to put off being healthy and indulge in everything that i feel like i cant ever have. I think i need to realize that i can have those things in moderation. i could have had that cake last night in a smaller slice and it would have been about 4-6 pts instead of fucking up the WHOLE day. 

i just am so stressed about living here, not having a job, and being a pothead all the time. but then again im worried when i leave, me and ryan will grow apart. i dont think i want that. i love him so much but sometimes i feel like his comfort and his friends and his life are so much more important than mine. i feel like i cater to his needs a lot and its little things - like scratching his back every night and making sandwiches and enduring the heat, or the air, or being squished against the wall at night. i just feel UNIMPORTANT all the time. my mom is the only person in the world that i feel like would do anything, anything, anything anythin for me and she doesnt even know about my lifestyle. she doesnt know i stilll binge, or smoke, or antyhing. she loves me for who i should be...... 

today i have to go to work, my second serving shift at longhorn. i dont know why something so elementary as waiting tables makes me so nervous but it does. i hope i make decent money today. and i hope i dont have to work tonight. but i fear the worst. 

today is my new beginning. again. i know i will have failures. i will have setbacks. but i am going to set myself up for success. no more pot to binge, no more buying crap and hoping i can resist. its time to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. 

me and ladybird took a walk this morning. it was a great start to the new day.