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I believe I am long overdue in writing about how I got where I am now, so that is what today's entry is all about.
It all started when I was three months away from being 15. My sister brought home a friend of her's who after a few months ended up asking me to "go" with him. He was 18, just graduated and I was homeschooling and in 10th grade. His name was Bob. We dated for exactly three years when he asked me to marry him and we were married exactly a year after that on a Friday night (17 years ago). A very warm Friday, too. We had planned an early October, evening wedding so I had the traditional long sleeve, high collar dress with a veil. Talk about sweating! It ended up being almost 80 degrees that day. And that was where it all began.
Next came the children, of course. I originally wanted two (I had only had one sister) and he wanted four (he is one of six). Then the oddest thing happened... during the same week God convicted both us of to allow him control how many children we had but neither of us knew the other one was going through the same battle. It was a huge thing for me to let go of that control, very scary. But once I finally let go and trusted God with what He was asking me to do, there was a wonderful peace. I know it was from God as most humans wouldn't desire this hard road. Because I knew God to be trustworthy and because I had dedicated my life to Him years earlier, I didn't see how I could tell Him no. We had been married for three years at this point.
A year later we had our first daughter, Heather. The first month was hell, for lack of a better description. The wonderful picture most people have of becoming parents isn't an accurate picture. In reality you are sent home after a very exhausting process with a brand new human that you don't know. You are totally exhausted and don't know what you as supposed to do with this crying tiny baby. The first month was the worst, but then it got more fun. We started to get to know her and she was a very good baby.
The second one came 19 months later, a boy, Joshua. This time was a much better adjustment. He was a good baby and Heather did well with him. It was at this point we had to look for a new house as we were living in a lake cottage with a bedroom and a half. We moved to the next place which we were at for two and a half years and had another boy, Daniel and conceive our fourth. Daniel was the spittiest baby ever but was a sweet spirit and still is.The fourth one was to be born after we moved to the place we are at now. We have a two story, 100 year old farmhouse. We had to totally gut it as it had no heat, electric or plumbing but it turned out nice. It will probably never be finished as that takes time and money (no trim, bad siding and lots of other repairs and additions needed etc.) but it is a great place to live in the country.
Our fourth arrived at 4:00am on Dec. 26th. It was a girl and the name that was next on the list (we made a list when we first started this journey) happened to be Holly Joy. Our Christmas baby! God knew from the beginning when we were going to have her and gave us the perfect name). She was a more challenging child, very strong and moody and still is. Number five came 21 months later and was named Matthew. He is a little monkey, as we call him. He had a rough start with colic (mom got next to no sleep and ate bread and water to try to avoid stomach upset through nursing ). Once he out grew the colic he became such a charmer. He has such a contagious laugh!
Then came the girls!!! Hope first (our only blonde), then Faith. God gave us Hope because he knew we were going to need more hope when we had Faith. And boy did I need more faith when I had Faith!!!! She came out with red hair and a scream that wouldn't end. Her first year and a half of life took the life out of me. That was when things started to change. I wasn't the same person and couldn't manage the tasks like I used to. Before Faith, I had the attitude of "bring it on!" and thrived with the children. After Faith we started discussing if we were still under God's conviction to have more. My husband really wanted to end on an even number and with a boy, so I didn't have a peace about stopping. He got one of his wishes. We did end on an even number but it wasn't a boy. God decided our "set" of girls wouldn't be complete without Charity (faith, hope and love/charity). Charity was born last summer and is an absolute joy. That is one of the hard things though, I was so burned out, I couldn't enjoy her like I would have liked to. It didn't help that she didn't nurse good and ended up in the hospital after 6 weeks for three days with severe dehydration (she was had gotten the flu and was already depleted due to the food struggles). I tried to find the positive in that stay and was at least thankful the docs and I learned alot and I had lots of alone time with her. After Charity we both felt God had removed the conviction and there was a peace about stopping.
I crashed after that and have been fighting to get back to "me" ever since. It has been a humbling experience. It definitely taught me a compassion that I have known before. I have always been a very "black and white" person, no grays. Now I see the grays (more on my head than I would like  ). It helped me mend a relationship with my mom, who I had been unable to forgive for some past hurts and also brought me down a few notches (quite a few). I now realize I was a very judgemental person who thought I had it all right and together. I don't think that anymore. So God is using this hard time in my life for good but it has been the darkest moments I have ever known. There were so many times I just wanted to sleep and not wake up (I battled insomnia due to stress and hormones for over five months. Nothing like trying to function with eight children on an hour of sleep). My conscience is too strong to do something like that but that even added to the feeling of being trapped, I couldn't even escape by killing myself (I do say that with humor). Thankfully, God has made me a strong person so that even when I didn't think I had anything left, I found a way with His grace.
I started this blog journey in hopes of being of help to someone else. I figured my target reader would be someone who thought being single and bored were bad. I thought if they read a little bit about my life they would thank God for theirs  . I figured other moms wouldn't have time to read blogs, but if some have, I hope I can be of encouragement. My motto has been and always will be, "Find the positive. No matter how small, there is always something positive to be found." Again, thanks for reading, I look forward to writing again.
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Posted by bobkat on 2008-01-09 11:21:41 | Rating: | Views: 88
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I know it's been a tough road these last two years but it's just amazing how God has worked in your life and your heart. I love my warm, compassionate sister now more than ever. You are such a good friend to me and a real blessing in my life. BTW, single life still sucks and I'd rather feel accomplished than bored. Sometimes I just want to walk out on this structured stifling life and just throw myself to the wind and just wing it. Sounds scary right? Sometimes I wonder what's worse, being scared or not really living a life worth living?
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Posted by skinyjewel
on 2008-01-10 01:25:44
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