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| another day: to the lonely and bored
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Well, I survived another day (barely and not with the most composure). To those who have read my previous entries, thank you. In a weird way it is a feeling of being seen. Despite doing so much everyday. As a mom you get a sense of being invisible. There is no longer a sense of being an interesting individual with her own likes and interests, only a sense of making everyone else feel that way. Is there value in that? Definitely. Is it easy? The farthest thing from it.
I can't imagine what it would feel like to be single and without children. I know it can be very hard at times and all you would long for is a busy full life which you share with your "soul mate", but realize, that comes at a cost as well. Being married is almost as hard and heartbreaking at times as being a mom. It is 99% work and 1% "aahhh". Sure in the beginning there is alot to enjoy but after the years speed by you find yourself learning to be satisfied with what someone else would clasify as lacking. I love my husband of 17 years very much. He is an awesome father and a faithful, devoted husband. Reality is not romance or connecting but just functioning as best you can, both being too worn out or down to help the other at times. That is where the work comes in, commitment is not something you let go of when things aren't fun anymore. I said until death do us part and meant it. If you find yourself single and lonely just remember, marriage in the real world can be just as lonely when circumstances and the exhaustion of everyday unavoidables make it very hard to stay connected. The stage I am in has been the hardest I could have ever imagined and then some. But I have my eyes set on the finish, the goal, to raise a family in the most stable, loving enviornment possible and have them turn out to be great adults who have parents that stayed married and grew old together.
The stress of the day, combined with the lack of sleep pushed me to a point where I "lost it". I hate myself when I do that and don't allow any excuses for doing so. Yes, I am human, and someone can only take so much whining, crying and having everything thrown at them at once, but it is my responsibility to control myself. I can at least say I accomplished everything I described in my previous post and more. I finished washing the dinner dishes while my husband flew in the door and flew back out with five of our children to go roller skating, all the while, listening to my 7 month old screaming because she wanted to be held. I wish I could split myself into ten different pieces so there would be enough to go around but again, I am only human.
So if you find yourself thinking tonight, "I wish...", be careful, what you already have might be better than what you find yourself wishing for. I am tired but find it theraputic to write this blog and can only hope I am making a difference. Enjoy your quiet time (mine will be from 10:00-11:00pm  ) and I will write again tomorrow. Good Night and thanks for reading.
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Posted by bobkat on 2008-01-03 18:49:20 | Rating: | Views: 108
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Whoa. That's too much. And I'm the one that got the flowers?! What the harvey? (We say that at work so we don't swear).
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Posted by skinyjewel
on 2008-01-04 00:01:38
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Lonely? possibly the sign of the times.
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Posted by gil27
on 2008-01-04 03:01:40
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