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Yee Haw......Another day....same old crap. My days are all the same to the point I can't tell one from the next. I wake up have coffee, clean the house, do a workout, go to class, listen to my kids bug me all day long, eat dinner, clean the house again cause now its a mess again......Whew! Then I go to bed and it starts all over again for gods sakes! I'm so bored sometimes. I love sleeping because its the only time I can shut out the world and not have to deal with anything. I always dread having to get out of bed, cause I know whats waiting for me...another day of my boring routine. I think I'm going to go crazy sometimes. Then when i leave the house to go do something, all I think about is I want to go home! My husband doesn't give a crap about my day. He never asks me about it. Just comes home and plops in front of that damn tv that I'm really beginning to hate. Sometimes he will ask me but I can tell he's just asking to be polite and not really interested in what I have to say. So I dont bother him, i jump on my computer and read fictional love stories and wish I could be in one of them for real. I keep things inside and never really tell anyone how I really feel. I feel like nobody knows the real me. Just a fake me that behaves like they want me to behave. I was a millitary brat most of my life and moved all the time. I never really learned to make friends and never really had anyone close to that I could talk to. Then when I did make friends its always people who dont really like me, they just want me to listen to their problems. So its no wonder I married the fist person who came along and showed me a little love and attention. That was years ago when things were new and fresh. I dont know whats going on now. I dont know if our marriage is ok or not. I can't tell if he really loves me or not. Sometimes I hate him. I know I love him, but more of like a best friend kind of love and not a passion filled lustful kind of love. This past week he's been short tempered with me a lot. He pretty much pays no attention to me at all. If I talk to him he does'nt really pay attention to what I'm saying. Makes me feel so worthless sometimes. When I think of him.....I always feel this strange kind of pain inside, not love like it should be. I'm confused now and dont know how I feel about my life and where it is going. I know that I am not happy. I have pretended to be happy for so long that I can't do it anymore. I'm finding it hard to pretend anymore. I have three children and I dont want them to have divorced parents. I went through that myself it was terrible. I want them to have a normal happy home life with two happy parents. So I sacrifice my feelings and wants to creat this perfect life for my kids. But inside the secret pain I feel and the longing for something more eats me up. I just can't see myself getting old with this man! I keep thinking to myself...God please tell me I'm not stuck with him in the afterlife to! I hope it ends at death do us part!! I thought he was my soul mate at one time. I dont know anything anymore. I'm getting old and pretty soon the wrinkles will move in and I wont look good enough to attract the man that I really want. I feel like I have wasted my youth. I know my soul mate is out there, I just can't find him....maybe I never will, not in this life. |
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Posted by bluefish36 on 2008-06-24 10:50:56 | Rating: | Views: 72
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Thanks! Best of luck to you as well.
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Posted by bluefish36
on 2008-06-25 09:25:18
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BLUEFISH36 I REALLY FEEL YOU ON THIS SUBJECT TRUST ME I WILL BE THE FIRST TO SAY I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. YOU JUST WANT TO FEEL LOVE AND GET LOVE IN RETURN.IS THAT SO HARD? WE'LL FIND IT ONE DAY
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Posted by stoplyingdamn
on 2008-06-27 00:40:17
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Its nice to know Im not crazy and its really nice to know there is someone else out there that I can relate to. Thanks! Big hug for you!
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Posted by bluefish36
on 2008-06-30 00:22:36
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