Ive been trying for years to figure out what is wrong with me. I grew up knowing and feeling that I was different from other kids. When I was in high school, it wasn't any  better. I often would go off into my own little world. It wasn't until college that I finally felt that I was beginning to find myself. College. How did I even get there? Well, that's easy, it was just a small community college. Anybody can get in.  I experimented with sex, drugs and lots of drinking. I discovered that all three go very well together. It was a lot of fun, but thats all it was. I didnt have the brains to be there for any other reason.

Before I finish this, I guess I should explain something. From birth, I was sick. Probably up till the age of 10 or 11. Anyway, that means that I got held all the time, and my parents walked the floors with me in their arms when I was real little, and stayed up with me nights when I was to old to hold and walk the floors with. me. The visits to the ER and the Dr.'s office where they would have to hold me down while screaming in pain as they had to hurt me so that the pain could be relieved. I look back on that memory with much inner pain.

I never did well in school. Had to repeat the second grade, and I had to have tutors up till 12th grade. I had so much trouble learning, that it wasn't funny. I still cant believe that I have a high school diploma. I have no business having one. I had one of my teachers even tell me that I shouldn't have even passed his course, but he liked me and knew that it was all a big struggle for me. .

After a year and a half @ college, I got a temp job witch lead to the job I have today, 21 years later. I have been to many shrinks, social workers and therapists, and it wasn't till I was in my thirties that I really began to realize what all my problems stem from. They say that I'm Bi-Polar, I suffer Separation Anxiety, and I am borderline ADHD (witch I don't think is borderline).

All this has effected every part of my life. I have no self esteem, and It's difficult to keep a positive attitude when you are on so much medication, that you have very little short  term memory.

I'm just tired.