so, felt it comin over me on the ride back home after dropin her off. not really the denial that made it come, but it musta been the catalyst to something. think it was growing, been growing for a day or two now and i realize it now.
thats the funny thing now is that i realize the darkness this time its in me. i feel it in my chest, in my arms, tightening my hands into fists. the urge to say fuck it all and run is strong in me, pullin me away from all this bullshit.
doesnt help that im thinkin about k now either. wanting her back. the longing been in me now for a day or two. before that i had a coupla days good, didnt want her back, well did but only in retrospect. now though the longin is in me heart. it sorta hurts now.
usually, rather, these days when im good, the longing is tempered by rationalization: we were not right for each other. but now, with work....aaahhh there it be, the begining, the two cunts at work and their double shitting on me, thats what started it, the twin queens; repetitive and remembering the past. thats what set this spiral in motion. finally i am able to see the reasons behind the begining. i brushed them off, but obviously they have deeply affected me....like my past, being controlled by two evil, chaotic wenches. and now...perhaps the longing for one who was but is, a combination of the two. so....maybe....i can stop the cycle....
right now i feel better, i realize the set off point. it WAS them. and this nite reinforced it.......still, i wonder if i made a mistake, wonder if the one has pasted me by and i was too stupid to realize it...but i am free now, and for that i would not trade ANYTHING.
i a m b e c o m e m e.
so, guess i gotta push on, o.k. down sum, still don't agree with society and all its trappings, still unsure if i want to stay in the city life, but, i see no need to destroy myself and everything i have and have accomplished.
maybe, just maybe there IS some hope. maybe i can....enjoy...myself. got to keep trying. otherwise, might as well just top myself off- but now, yeah too much i still wanna do. yeah, i figured it out it was them two that set this mood upon me...o.k. now i got it. now i know what to watch for, now i know to prepare myself for their shit. fuck em. smile.
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