so i was thinking earlier about how before i had kids i could run and do whatever i wanted.  I worried about my weight but not terribly because i was loosing it anyway.  I was too busy to eat and most of the time i wasn't all that hungry and if i was i was spending my money on something other than food.  I kind of miss those days.  don't get me wrong i love being a mom and a wife but sometimes i wish i was single and free again.  I don't want to say that I resent my kids because i don't.  I resent my appearance, i resent my attitude towards life, I resent the fact that i resent all of that.  I mean it could be years before i can go to school for photography.  For one Ben's career has to come first.  I know that and understand that.  He makes more money than me and if he gets his electrical engineering degree he would be making twice what he makes now so why is it that i resent him for that too.  I hate being co dependent!  I always pictured myself as strong and self efficient woman and now i see women like that and i envy them.  I long to have that kind of independence.  Hell i still have to ask permission just to go somewhere.  What the hell is that!  I feel every other age other than my own.  Somedays i feel 50 and others i feel 13.  Am I having a mini mid life crisis or is this a normal thing for every mother to feel?  I so badly want the motivation to lose weight but i look at the treadmill and think what is the point?  Why start something that i won't finish and why bother doing something that isn't going to make a difference anyway.  Even if i do lose all the weight, i'm still going to have saggy boobs and a flabby belly with stretch marks that look like a road map.  I have never once in my life been attractive and now i won't ever be.  apparently god didn't put that in the cards for me.  I guess i should be thankful for what i have.  I mentioned plastic surgery to ben but of course his main concern is how much its going to cost.  Everything is about money with him lately.  Most of our conversations revolve around finances and his work.  I'm so tired of it that i don't even have the motivation to do the check book anymore.  I hate it.  I do it because i have to, but i hate it. 
I've been battling depression since high school, when is it my turn to be happy, when is it my turn to have a good looking body.  why am i just a personality?  Why can't i be a mother with an independent life too?  I thought moving to delavan was this great thing and don't get me wrong it is great.....for the kids and Ben's drive to work.  But I'm so far away from everybody.  Tara is close by but that's it and you can only see one person so much before you need a break and during the in between times i have nobody.  Ben works so many freaking hours and when he is home he is either cranky (or i am) or really really tired.  I can't compete with that.  There is just so much going on in my head and i can't clear it all.  I know that nobody is going to read this but i needed to get it out.  I can't continue to hold it in anymore.  I feel like I'm about to snap and that isn't fair to anybody.
And on top of all that Candice is pregnant and of course she is debating taking the easy way out.  I just don't understand that.  How do you kill a little life just because you don't want to straighten your ass up!  She is going to kill my niece or nephew because she doesn't want the responsibility.  If she does this how am not supposed to be upset with her.  How do i shove it off like it never happened?  I'm just so confused right now and I'm very tired and really hurt.  I have nobody to talk to and anytime i ever bring up therapy to Ben for me he shrugs it off.  He doesn't realise all the things that go through my head on a daily basis and if i told him he wouldn't understand.  His philosophy is to not worry about other people and if you made the mistake then suck it up and deal with the consequences, which i have done but there is so much emotional stuff that goes with it that he just doesn't understand and never will.  I think about divorce a lot.  But i love him, I don't want to leave him but i'm so freaking unhappy.  I'm not really unhappy with him he tries really hard to make everything perfect, but there are things that i would really like him to try at and he doesn't give two shits about it.  What do i do?  I feel like my life has been at a standstill for a really long time and i don't see it picking up anytime soon. grrr