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| My name is Frank |
My heart aches for the things I want the most. I can't remember the last time a smile was simply a smile. To teach myself that love exist is nothing more than a goal that cannot be accomplish. It isn't because it doesn't want to be accomplished but because I see no purpose in it. I live life taking the day as the day comes. I want to go somewhere that gives me peace, where I do not have to search for a reason but rather use past expierence to impact those around me. I don't lack empathy but to feel is to ache. I sit here today as Frank, I talk to you as the person I do not want to be. Teach me to smile and actually mean it. Teach me to love and actually feel it. Teach me to cry to feel the pain. The pain is covered with a million grains of sand and it will be impossible to find it on my own. Maybe they were right about it all, maybe it isn't the childhood, the love that was lost, or the world I have surrounded my self with that has made me what I am. Maybe it is the simple fact that analyzing every single moment into something more than just a simple gesture that has made me into a machine that can only be stopped by myself.
The world is my canvas and I shall use the words as my paint to make the greatest creation of all time. To me the life doesn't matter but rather than how would the world remember the person I used to be. I don't want fame, money, or love, but maybe just some simple hope. Maybe one day I shall find it on the shelf of a store or in an eveloped delivered by an Angel. I smile because I have to. I learn because I want to. I don't want to be the person I once was but rather a person I can never be. I have felt the pain of a blade yet the one I feel inside my soul cannot be soothed at all.
I always told myself to go with what the heart feels because the mind will always play its tricks. I am afraid of the reflection in the mirror because I know what that person is capable of doing. I want this thing we call love to cure my disease. I want to smile and say today is a good day. I have a desire to do great things yet I hold myself back because of the fear. The fear to be vulnerable, the fear of knowing that I don't want to make you cry. The fear of knowing I'm not going to cry when I am supposed to. Love exist because my son teaches me all about it. In time the mere artificial reality I have created will disappear.
I said I love you once, but I didn't know what it meant and up to this point I don't. I have changed the way I think and speak just so that you will not be hurt by me. Since the day I was born I wonder if I was destined to live a life of misery. Maybe that is my destiny. Maybe I am suppose to pretend to smile.
My name is Frank. I live life to try to enjoy its beauty. I had a family once yet now the only comfort I get is the silence of my room. My dreams bring out the fears in me. MY life style makes me live for reason that do not matter to me. My thoughts before bed are tabboo. In time I guess we all find peace, maybe I have become "comfortably numb", maybe this is just who I am. Should I be content about it?
I look at my life and think about where it is going as well about where it has gone. Yet the only peace I find is those few seconds right before I go to bed. My words are from the deepest corners of my soul. I let go of someone who took a piece of my heart. I made them cry. I made them smile, I solved there problems, yet through all my troubles I never bothered to fix my own.
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Posted by blazet_2002 on 2009-05-07 01:31:25 | Rating: | Views: 140
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