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I feel like this week (yes, it's only Thursday) is supposed to be some sort of sign for me. I don't know if I'm reading too much into things or if it's all really supposed to point to something with meaning.
First off, my sister, who is 14 years my senior, found a lump about the size of a grape in her breast last month. Slightly worried, she went to the doctor last week, who did a mammagram but found nothing and chalked it up to a blocked mammary gland. My sister has kept an eye on it and just in the week since she had the mammagram, she noticed it was growing. Hoping it was just her imagination but worried still, she made another doctor's appointment for today. It has, in fact, grown from the size of a grape to the size of a Tootsie Roll lollipop in just a week's time. The doctor wants her to get a second opinion and advised her that it may involve surgery to remove it. Ok, everything is fine and dandy there. She has another appointment tomorrow for that second opinion.
I have no worries at this point. I figure that with the advances in medicine, they should be able to determine what it is and take appropriate action.
Then she advises our mother about what's happening and mother decides to advise me that she has heard of(and seen - being a nurse for 20-something years) breast lumps that were extremely progressive cancers that have grown that quickly and that, if that's what it is, it is most certainly a death sentence. Good Lord.
My sister and I have never been particularly close. It seems that, when I was child, she adored me. However, when I started forming my own opinions about things, I was nothing of interest to her. She was a goody-goody all throughout her teen years and I was a "normal" teenager and did my stuff. I sometimes chose to spend time with my friends rather than hang out with my over-30 sister, 50-something mother, and wise-but-still-old grandmother. Now that I am grown, the resentment she holds me with from these, among other things, has not faded. If anything, it has grown because I got married young and moved away almost immediately - things she couldn't seem to accomplish no matter how much she wished it. And to add to that, she has a resentment towards our mother for things that simply couldn't be helped and that resentment, which is filled to over-flowing, has spilled down on to me. She has gone so far as to resort to childish and ignorant behavior and remarks to try to bring me "off my high horse".
Still - I love my sister and I am eternally grateful for the lessons she has taught me about life, love, and parenthood. I would be lost without her and she knows it. The thought of losing her scares me out of my wits. And the thought of what will happen to my two young nieces and my brother-in-law furthers that into something I never could have imagined.
To top this all off, I'm moving 2000 miles away in less than three weeks. How can I go knowing that this is all going on? I know that we should know something farely quickly and, in all actuality, I will make my final decision as to rather or not I board that plane based on what the outcome is. I can't help but think, though, that even if everything turns out alright, this is supposed to be some sort of sign for me not to go. Yet, I must - eventually.
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Posted by blacksheepbaby on 2008-01-24 04:47:51 | Rating: | Views: 110
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This week may very well be a sign for you...but not what yu think maybe. Instead of it being a sign for you not to go, I believe it may be a sign for you to set things right with your sister===cancer or no cancer. We are not promised tomorrow...worry about things you can change...TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU
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Posted by Lambchop
on 2008-01-27 00:50:18
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