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Non-random random ramblings (Sort that one out...

So… just a random collection of thoughts, I suppose. Or not so random, perhaps. The one foremost on my mind right now isn’t the one that prompted me to sit and write, but somehow, some things just push their way to the front of the line.

I’ve mentioned previously I’m president of an organization, I believe. This will be the end of my second year, each has been a hell of a ride in very different ways. I’m so ready to get off the roller coaster now.

I’ve also mentioned my friend was my VP. Last year we were awesome. We made a hell of a team and there was nothing we couldn’t do. Well, raise all the money we’d hoped to, but that’s another story. This year has been a true exercise in pain, having him cut out the way he was. We’d said when we started this venture that we’d do two years. Three at the absolute outside, but truthfully we only wanted to do two. There were a number of reasons for that and we believed and stuck to that plan.

I have a pair ready to take over from me and the ghost of my best friend and partner. They were even the ones he and I had targeted when we took office. Now I admit, my heart just isn’t in this the way it was last year at this time. I am, like my good friend (who shanghaied me into this job!) and predecessor, just phoning it in at this point. The new two are literally chomping at the bit to take over. I feel as if I’m one step ahead of a steamroller and I just want to lie down and say, “Go for it!”

An aside to all of this is that these very same two, about a month ago, upbraided me but good over my handling of my separation and divorce. Apparently my wanting to be civil, decent, fair and, oh, I don’t know… human through all of this wasn’t good enough. I was told, “The Mom always wins,” so I should have thrown my husband out, if necessary destroyed his life, just to make sure I won. What I would have won is debatable. In their eyes, custody was the only prize, although in mine stability was more of a concern. Nothing I said could dissuade them from the fact that I was pretty much stupidly trashing my life and why the bloody hell couldn’t I come to my senses and see that.

Now this is tied in with a couple other things, decisions I’ve made or sort of made, about this group. One thing I haven’t said up til now, I think, is that I sing. This organization is a choral group and I have loved nearly every minute I’ve been involved for the past nine years. I tried for, last winter, and got a solo… well duet. I worked hard, practiced incessantly; hell, it was all I listened to in my car for two straight months.

It was a rather… inauspicious… debut into solo singing. Frustrating because we’d had one rehearsal with the orchestra and my partner was thrown off in the one performance. And then I, in fear of making the same error, sharped a note the next night. So no one may have noticed, apart from my fellow singers. But it didn’t do wonders for my confidence.

Stupidly, I’m very seriously considering trying again. I told the director last week I was interested, and the part is much simpler than the one last year. Well within my range, but that’s not tough to do… I think I can do this. And I’m petrified I’m going to fuck it up again. Yes, I know. Get back on the horse; try, try again… all that crap. I can always back out tomorrow night when it comes time to try. And I may. We’ll see. This is tied up to the third thing, though.

As much as I love this group, and I do, and as much as I have some great friends because of it, and I do, I’m done. When this year is over, not only will I more than happily turn over my presidency, I’m walking away. There are a number of other groups in the area. Some are non-audition and some are not. Some are pretty… inexperienced as vocal musicians go. And some are not. I know that it would be possible for me to join at least two or three of the groups I’ve researched. Auditions… well… like my experience with solos… unnerve me. Could I pass an audition? Absolutely… depending on the audition requirements. The one group that I’ve decided I would most like to try and join, however… I just don’t know. Dammit, I’m good. And I know I’m good. But I am a choral singer, not a soloist and I do know it. I’ve been told I have a lovely voice and my range is quite good, but it’s not the quality that some groups look for. And I fear that this could be one.

So… all three of these tie back together this way: If I audition for and get a solo in the concert next month, I am committed through the end of the concert year, the end of my term as president. I’m iffy on the solo and with my successors nipping at my heels for the job and the sheer exhaustion from having to shove aside the pain of missing him every week, there is a part of me that just wants to not go back. At all. The hell with the upcoming concerts, with the rest of the season. They want the job, they can have it right now with my blessing. I always knew he wouldn’t sing the one concert with us, but doing this other concert without him, it’s slicing me to ribbons in some ways. He has an amazing voice and I know I am better for singing with him, my part against his, learning to be better musically. Not having him there, hearing his voice, singing with him… well, I think in some ways I was numb in January still. Now I’m just tired.

The irony of it all is that he’s in my life more now than ever in some ways, more than he should be, more than I should want him to be. And it is missing the music with him that hurts more than almost anything else. What hurts the most is not being able to be openly friends with my best friend. He would, has, is encouraging me to try for this solo. He knows I can do it as well as I do. He would tell me not to quit. Tough it out, finish the year, finish the job. But I am just so very damn tired.

Let the stupid, bloody, God-forsaken steamroller that is my life, okay part of my life, take me. I am tired of bearing up under all the criticism and pain. My music has always brought me joy and peace. Right now, today, it just hurts.