Just another song reference, but it feels incredibly appropriate. Ever since yesterday afternoon I've been feeling like my marriage is unsalvageble. My friend, my other love, cannot communicate with me. Everything seems to be my fault... damn, I'm just too tired to keep going. I'm too tired to fight. I'm too tired to argue. I may even be too tired to care.

I can't stay in a relationship where when things don't go one person's way that person gets furious. And physical. I'm so done with having my thoughts and feelings result in being restrained, physically. I just don't think I'm able to subjugate who I am enough to be able to continue this.

I don't have a relationship with the other person. Everyone is battering at me to leave him alone. As if I could just turn off the love, walk away and not give a shit. I know I can't expect him to respond. I can't even hope that he reads this. I'm not sure which is more painful at this point. Being in a relationship by myself (even just friendship), as I am with him, or being in a relationship that involves the loss of some of who I am, just to survive.

I'm tired of hurting so bad that sometimes breathing is painful. I'm tired of hurting so bad that every thought I have of either one of them triggers either the knowledge that he's gone forever or that I'm just a possession. I thought my love was worth more than that. I thought I was worth more than that.

I always knew I was forgettable. That I wasn't special enough. I know they both loved me, but to one, now I'm simply and object to be owned and manipulated and to the other I might as well be dead. Dammit, I'd actually gotten used to being no one. Learned not to want things, learned that I didn't deserve... anything. I'd say I hate them both for making me forget, for trying to make me believe in fantasy, but the truth is I hate myself. I knew better. But stupidly, I believed... I believed them. I believed I was worth it.

Never again. I'm done. I can't take this pain, I can't take feeling like this everyday. I will never stop loving them... him in particular, him who I trusted when he said I was beautiful, that he loved me. But just because I love doesn't mean I'm going to be stupid ever again. I will never let it show, I will never let it out... and as soon as I can figure out how to make it happen, I'm gone. This just hurts to much to keep living like this.