Why would anyone in their right minds spend half a million
on a wedding? I guess I'm just a middle class farmer's
daughter from Iowa and it just seems foreign to me. I
mean, 500,000 dollars. You could buy an amazing house for
that. An amazing house and a nice car. You could pay for
more than one college education with that. That college
education would last a lifetime. I'd rather save all that
money, or use it towards debt. Why spend it all on an
event that last only 5-6 hours? I mean sure you want
to "wow" all your guests, but can't you just splurge on the
dj/open bar/dinner instead of spending like 10,000 dollars
on a wedding dress? I could have a wedding for under 5,000
dollars. I know I could. I don't care if we have freaking
hot dogs at the reception. I could do it. I want a great
marriage, I don't need it to all be about the wedding.

I'm kinda anti relationship right now anyways. Romantic
relationships are a waste of time. I'm so negative towards
them. You go to the mall and see all these couples that
seem so happy, but really they secretly hate each other. I
don't think anyone really loves someone forever. I think
it's you fall in love with somone when all of their body
parts are still functioning and upright, and the minute the
sexual desire is over you are just sort of "in tolerance"
towards someone. That's what I call it. Instead of
being "in love" with someone, you have become "in
tolerance" with them. Happy marriages consist of two
people being able to tolerate each others company. They
are able to tolerate sleeping every single night in the
same bed when deep down all they want is one good nights
sleep ALONE. Where they can hog the bed and play dutch
oven with the dog instead of their bad breath stinky
spouse. I would much rather play dutch oven with the dog
then with an actual human.

Another thing that is stupid about marriage: decorating.
Why the hell do women get married and all of a sudden they
think they are Martha freaking Stewart? You weren't
decorative or creative before you were married, what makes
that shiny, way to gaudy of a ring on your left hand all of
a sudden make you creatively inclined? And whats with
knick-knacks? When I go into a "happily" married home that
is covered in glass figurines and ceramic teddy bears I
just want to take a hit of acid. You know what a perfect
color for a wall is? Asylum White. That's right.
Straightjacket insane asylum white. I'm going to sell that
name to a paint company. I think it will sell to single
men and women who accept that they have no creative
decorative skills whatsoever.

Also, why do women think they are amazing cooks after they
get married? You still suck. Just because you decided on
delicious filet minon at your wedding doesn't mean you can
cook anything past easy mac and a piece of toast. Or like
Rachel's speciality: a baked potato and a Diet Coke.

I'm also baffled by a guy who gets married immediatly
thinking he is a handy man and that he can fix anything.
Broken pipe? Don't worry, he doesn't even know how to
change his own oil... a broken pipe is child's play. I
refuse to ever be with a guy who doesn't know how to change
his own oil or change a tire. What the hell am I going to
do if I'm stranded on the road with a flat tire? I know
how to change a tire, but that doesn't mean I want to.
It's a man's job. It's that old fashioned men save women
story. I believe in that story. I'll do the laundry, you
change my oil. It's a fair trade. I love grease stains.
Nothing sexier. If you get dirty for a living, your
marriage will stay in the "in love" category for a lot
longer because your sexual desires will stay alive a lot
longer.

The way to a girl's heart? Dirty fingernails and grease
stained hands. The way to make a girl run away screaming?
Hands that are softer than the girl's and a hairless man.
If a guy doesn't have a little hair on his ass or chest, I
feel like I'm cuddling with a 6 year old boy. Seriously,
eat your wheaties. If I ever get screwed enough to have
kids(no pun intended heh) especially a boy, that kid is
eating wheaties 3 times a day. Everyone knows Wheaties
make you hairy. It's the best choice. For a girl:
Special K.

If you really have to get married, get a dirty occupation.
It's the only way men. Women become nurses. It's every
man's fantasy. You know how to put a band-aid on
successfully AND you get to wear the slutty nurse uniform.