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| i love my husband, dont like the stranger
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never did I ever think of getting help through blogging
silly me
i just thought it was a place to vent annonymously
see
no one on the face of the earth
woud have any idea that I was in this pickle
i am such a great actress
people actually think im confident
never would anyone believe I'd be sitting home with a sick stomach
worried and obseessing over this
its been going on for so long
many big events have occured after and during major down times
graduations, birthdays, even anniversaries, not to mention vacations and holidays
i have met with big clients the day after not getting any sleep because i was crying all night long
i have heard some people are even jealous of me and my so called perfect life, and perfect family
if they only knew
not a single soul would be jealous of this
I have had to face large groups of people when my heart was breaking
and not a single person, not even my parents have a clue about how I really feel
i have been pretending my entire life
i could not share this for multiple reasons
for one, i do not want anyone to feel any negative vibes toward my husband
sometimes, we forgive our partners, but parents and friends have a tendancy to hold a grudge
a few years ago, I dropped an enormous amount of weight
rumors were fying I had cancer
it was all stress
my husband was going to leave me
omg
the worst thing that could ever happen to me was happening and I had no one to tell
it was a family birthday weekend and we had parties scheduled
the hardest people to fool are the kids
thank god they are so self centered, most times they are too busy to notice
every other time in my life when I felt stress, it led me right to the fridge
when my husband wanted a divorce a few years ago
i could not eat
i thought i had been given a jail sentence
then realized I could get paroled a few years later
so I toyed with the idea of leaving him, when I was convinced he was not the same man I married,
I needed to escape for my own sanity
i just wanted the pain to go away
i was sick of praying he would change
i decided i needed joy in my life
i began gardening and writing more and developed my faith
i decided i had to make myself happy
it worked
except
i had to face him every night
whenever id hear the garage door
my heart would sink
i liked it when he went out
or when he went out of town
somehow, that did not feel right
i just felt so much tension around him
i couldnt trust him
i did not even like him anymore
that is no way to live
but he made so many promises
i was sucked back in
but here i am again
she haunts me
I will find a picture of her, one I had taken in the old days, when we were friends, I will hear someone memtion her name, I will get wind of something she is doing, once I even saw an ad, I was out of town and I picked up a local paper, saved it for a few weeks did not know she was in there and when I finally read it, there she was, what are the odds of that happening
one of the biggest obstacles
i have is not knowing what she knows
does she know how much she has come between my husand and I
has he confided in her
regardless of if they had an affair or not
the way she acts towards me, she knows something
one time we were at a dinner
and she was seated at our table and I saw her take her place card and move it elsewhere
beleive me, i was happy she did
but what was that about
first he said he told her i might have a problem with him hiring her
then he said he never said that
only said it to me to hurt me
first he said
he did not have an affair
then later admitted that he was wrong to talk to her about me and her x husband that it was inappropriate then later he said he never said that
now all he says is
I dont remember
he just does not want to talk about her
said he loves me
never had an affair
cant fire he
she makes too much money
is supporting her family
is a hard worker
now he says
he never ever talks to her about me
if he doesnt
why did he say I made her feel uncomfortable
I have only seen her about 4 times since he hired her years ago, beucase i never go to the office and i am never invited to things anymore
last night after another arugument
he invited me to the christmas party
back to my original thought
i am really touched by the people that stop to comment to try to give me advice
i certainly need it
i am so confused
i know the way i am handling this is not the right way
i just want to move on
i have better things to do with my frame of mind
I would roll my eyes at people like me
whenever Id seek therapy
it always boils down
to leave or stay
and I just can not figure it ou
i stopped to get someting to eat
the opposite is happening this time
i just gained a quick 15 pounds..in the last few months.
now
nothing fits
including me
oh well
sorry
i have to add
when he resembles the man I married, I am madly in love with him
have always been attracted to him
I liked the humble loyal man he was, the cocky guy who I cant trust is a stranger to me
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| Blog Comments
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can you make a long story short
I cant
but this is way too long
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Posted by roe
on 2007-11-14 00:27:52
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The weight thing I believe is you punishing yourself to make yourself right. If you are fat why would he love you? when he shows that he does not love you, you can blame yourself and say why would he love me? I'm fat!
you get to be right.
When you act this way around him, you are not being the women he married, forget about her and focus on yourself. Love yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Posted by trevorjohn
on 2007-11-23 07:14:15
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| Views: 310
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