if my husband ever reads this you must know I am writing to vent, to get advice, to seek other peoples point of view.  I have omitted all the good things you do because I have no problems with that area. since you read my diary and are still angry at me over that one, im still scratching my head over that ordeal,  I'm afraid to write anything down and leave it around here and its the only way I know how to sort out my feelings, so now I'm afraid, even though I thought I was writing with a fake name protected under the bloggers protection program and

I had the confidence to say the things that I said and admitted to having no confidence since I was incognito,

but now perhaps you are somehow going to get wind of this,

does that sound paranoid?

 well maybe, but no one knew who i was and then I found out last night that i had not blocked that part on my profile and over 100 people checked it out and now know my real name

I have no one to confide in about you and all the insecure feelings i have that i am ashamed of having

and ive kept all my inner rumblings secret and it had been killing me and probably confusing you now that i think about it.

Occasionally I get mixed up when i am "performing" for other people, i really get into character, my life is based loosely on my life and when you happen to be around I get confused and can't decide if im with the guy im madly in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with or if you are the one i am afraid of and sort of despise at times, because i feel so helpless under your controlling ways, no one wants to feel helpless, and i guess this is another example, of how i allow myself to feel helpless, you don't make me helpless, but i feel that way nevertheless sorry about that strong word, despise, but angry is not strong enough, because im really pissed you stole all this energy from me, when I married you i was positive this would never be a problem with us, boy was I wrong, i misjudged you, i thought you would be the last person on earth that would ever cause me this sort of pain, you were so ture blue so good and kind hearted so humble and seemed so in love with me and acted lucky to have me but since then you have gotten alot more successful businesswise than you were when we married and you even admitted you said things with the sole intension of hurting me/ why would anyone ever do that to the one they love and maybe others would disagree with me and say i willingly gave my energy away to all this ridiculous stuff/  that continually drains me and is effecting my health, regardless, ive expended it and it exhausts me right or wrong and writing on this blog is eye opening, i have been surprised by the comments and i need to hear more so I cant stop writing in here because i have no where else to go.  You were always a jealous person and I never ever was and i believe you want to make me jealous and sometimes even go out of your way to do it, i sort of just figured that out recetly, which confuses me even more about if you had an affair or not or tried to make me think you do, which is really odd and sort of cruel but It takes a lot of energy to be me, to be able to go out and pretend like i am confident and possess a positive attitude and always look on the bright side, and be funny too while Im at it and It is easy to say all the right things to others but to be able to internalize it, is something else?

so if you found your way here, i have no idea what will happen now, i could be in big trouble and to the rest of you, all you innocent bystanders, the ones that peeked into my profile, do you think you could keep the info to yourself and not discuss it with any other bloggers, is this too much to ask?

yeah right, that's going to happen, people are going to keep my confidence, sure

maybe you understand my circumstances and i could appeal to your good judgement and if you have ever been able to keep a secret or need practice in that area, please start with mine

i want to continue being flawed, raw, able to say things Im not proud of, without being judged, actually i am being judged and want to be, but i only want you to judge and give advice to bernadette and she will tell me what you said and it will help me. she is sort of my personal assistant and I don't have any secrets from her

just for my own curiosity, if you would die if anyone found out who you really were, would you leave me a comment cuz i am almost 100% sure i am not the only one doing this, by the pictures ive seen on your profiles