4493 Blog Feed: benventure 2008-09-05 03:09:58 benventure Your e-mail address 146851 2008-09-05 03:45:39 i mean i was really stuck deep in
i had my cigarrette lit
and no where to breathe
i couldnt beleive it
where could i have been
am i swimming
churnin water like some damned dog
blind as a walkin stick
i nearly got loose
i came so close to lost
and no map had ever been written
for me to find my way back
this man pulled me out
like a fish
i flopped on the dirt
where everyone spit
and i hurt
my throat all decorated with hooks
i couldnt talk
all i needed was some kinda parrot
to talk to me
help me remember
but ive never liked birds
always so free
no one should live like that
if i aint
my mouth was full of air, but my lungs just didnt take it
i sat there
praying for some releif
my feet forgot the walk
so i crawled back into my swamp
hand over hand
in hopes that the water would shock me
help me gasp
i was done for
and that man didnt do a goddamn thing
but its all over now
atleast this now
]]> 145946 2008-09-03 01:59:37 of coarse i cant
music playing
tv blaring
phone ringing
people in love
i cant concentrate with all this around me
trains wrecking the tracks
my feet getting chilly
my eyes banging
my head not sure if it wants to hurt or die
how it puts words in my mouth
these songs
i cant resist to watch
i cant stop listening
my mind, melted
itll never really be the same
i just hope i can live with it
my apocolypic friend tells me things
that i just laugh at
but there are hints of truth in his words
atleast some
now i ask myself that question
the defining question
that everyone knows, but never has to answer
what do i want to be?!
if i can be anything
why cant i be everything?
i really want to know why
if i was given a choice
between three things
id be the second
im just not that interested fully in anything
i enjoy things
we enjoy things
i just dont want to enjoy things for too long
then id hate it
its just like our dreams
we cant go too long before we have a nightmare
and revive our joy of simpler dreams
like taking that first drag of the day
that change of drink

i think if i go on any longer
ill just end up repeating myself
again
and again
itll be different
but the same
i can feel it
its cast in stone
for me to do it
pray for the winter
because its fighting hard to come
summers just being a bastard
ramshackles ]]> 142229 2008-08-25 01:57:45 about all the things that come to mind
the bleeding hum of my computer
the dead silence all around me
my friend who cant stop speaking
my mind that wont stop spinning
the drinks that i dream of
the times that ive lived
the times when ive died
this world is always cursing
and coming up with new surprizes
the cards that disconnect us
the jams that bring us together
the meals that overfill us
the whole worlds bringin me down
but thinking deeper
brings the sun
and happy times are soon to come
just as bad days sneak behind us
love will last everlong
id like to write a poem
id like to sing a song
id love to play piano well
but well enough is so close to wrong
these keys shall be my slate
my fingers pounding out my head
cleaning cobwebs from my ears
i still feel the hat on my head
my eyes cant close right tonight
the flickering screen subjected me
to all the pleasures of the world
that i will never ever see
my glasses broken lead to lyrics
making pretty ladies laugh
i try so hard to keep my cool
but fail so miserably its funny
i crack a smile
because i can
i dont ever want to frown
but i know i will
so i prepare it
by writing it all out
down down down
just like a woman
to make you mean
make you simple
make you clean
just like a man
to cut you open
fix you up
and make you better
some letters
never get written
some are never read
i hope these letters
are both forgotten
and left for days when all is dead
and i hope you smile
please do smile
because i am smiling to
and when we smile together
our smiles will bring life anew
so full of pains
cliches of that
stressful lifes churning butter
spread that stress over toast
eat it up
and swallow
too true
those words my father spoke
when i left off to school
two by two we walk this road
until you stop to tie your shoe
i cant resist to use those words
written down by others
to build me up like some great statue
to seclude myself in others shadows
the fork that feeds me my meal
is crusted down with age
but i regrett to inform myself
its the master, im the slave
when words come forth
they pour
like rain unto the ground
id like to grow you some flowers
and never pluck them from the ground
the moment now is passing
and soon ill be asleep
the words right now are written
for me to keep
for me to keep
great lines of road
stretch before me
should i go left or i go right
i know theres somthing always watching
making sure it turns out alright
this bottle that barricades us
and brings us to its grave
will soon too be buried
and saved for history
how id love to draw a portrait
of everyone including you
and how id love that little portrait
to mean something to someone
if only you
]]> 140228 2008-08-19 19:54:41 past living long ago
oh how it shows
the years screwn
across his face
so young
yet so old

queitly mourning
his withered life
joyfully scorning
the worlds strife
he plays alone
out in the feild
wielding words
and wornout heels
his mouth is crude
his voice is narrow
yet like a harp
he sings

wondering the world
wandering the world
dizzily searching for someone else
but no one will ever fit
hes seen to it
to make the world his opposite

his family creeps about
knowing his fate
ignoring it
but they are kind
and accept it
like one accepts the loss of a leg

fearing for his mind
he could not understand where he fit
it wasnt here or there or she or it
he must be an explorer, yes
beyond the world of courses and rulers
eagerly awaiting new knowledge
in hopes to fill him up

his vessel is torn and sloppy
and the route is plagued with storm and disease
but the outcast knows this
and will suffer it out
in hopes for better days

no one but the outcast knows this unfortunatly
wether it be some curse cast down from the gods
or pleasures choice
he like a child
will never be heard

]]> 139325 2008-08-17 23:26:00 My thoughts betray me
I cannot think clear
All sight, sound, and movement is rehearsed
And i cannot stop it
This play
My brain is diminishing
Only the glow of the television screen can calm it
An endless trail of thought all leading into one another  awaits me
I cannot stand without thinking about smacking the clouds
Ive lied my way into insanity
I hope, i pray, that these words
Once released
Will help me to cope with this mind of mine
My hunger has stalled
My feet grow weary
I want sleep, eternal sleep
But fear my dreams
A mind full of doubt
Doubting doubts that doubts
Spinning uncontrollably
I can only pray for this maddness to end
Please
The sounds that never end
The confusion
The confusion
the repetition
Why am i so afraid of the most common of things!
A man comes to me and studders
I fear for my life
A shadow appears in my peripherial
I know the end is near
But not a deathly end
Something far worse
Is this paranoia?

At work
I cannot focus
On anything
I get dizzy
Dazed
I start thinking
And i cant stop
My head is full of thought
and i cant stop it from thinking
the only thing i can do is wait it out
But God does it scare me
How did i think before this began happening?!
Thats the worst
I just want to wake up tomarrow
And have this shit not happen
If it doesnt
Im going to go to a psychaiatrist or somthing
because i cant handle it
These racing thoughts annoy me
And terrify me
And destroy me

Since i was a boy
Ive wanted to be crazy
Its unbeleiveable i think
Why did i want to be crazy!?
And now, here i am...terrified

I just need new goals
I think
I just need to feel somthing
I hope
I need to sleep well
And wake up refreshed
So Im going to sleep
Goodnight ]]> 122152 2008-07-12 03:27:28 i've decided to come here, my medium, to let loose on what the words are to me
these words, all my words, what are they?
are they reflections of this great society?
are they the meanderings of TV shows or film?
did someone already meantion this?
am i forever stuck here, with myself, thinkiing the same things?
do i really need to question everything, or should i simply accept them as reality
the world as i see it is full of catagories, this city, my city, is the same as every city...
isnt it?
have we dwindelled down society so much, that every space is filled with the exact same person!
God, how i hope not!
i hope, somewhere out there, there are some fucked up people, just some brilliantly bizarre people living in some inverted way.
Houses built outside-in
water poisons
air chokes
los angeles you say?
nay
mexico city?
thats just comedy
then comes the quote, every tradgedy looked at from afar is comedy
im waiting for the 911 ones

clocks and socks make rock balderdash
gluttony, our fat world
a very unnerving thing to me are the race of fats
if you infact are heavy...then you should be offended
because your lazy
and cannot give up your comfortably fatty lifestyle
i want to live without this screeching TV, this moron-proof computer
i want to make mistakes
and i want to fix them
i want to fail
so that i may yearn to succeed
but i cannot!
what a terrifying place
where everybody wins
i opted not to get my economic stimulus check
does that make me better?
yeah it does
because if i had it, then id just spend spend spend it masturbating my money
ejaculating all this bullshit that i now have to keep clean and repair every few months
id rather live the celebate life, never making love with materials
how pious i'd be
the world would either reject me, mark me outsider and flog me
or theyd sit back in awe, and take note at my grandeur
ill take the prior
i want to sleep on jagged rocks for a few nights
i wanna take the pain from a headache
and wait it out
i want to blow up my television
i want to kick my dog for living so frivilously
in envy i want myself to fail
and i want the world to succeed

maybe ive always wished for this, i think i have
i just didnt have the words
or the time
time!
oh dear fucker
how much time i waste
we waste
instead of saying "how are you today?"
we should say "what have you created today!?"
but then, we'd kill ourselves doing that
creating new things
only a few people should
in todays society i guess
we need a new virus
a plague
to show us were simply animals still governed by the laws of nature
humph
were oversexed, and still virgins
were monopolized, and havent ever a coin to our name
were dead, and unaware
our citys speak with tongues of ash
littering our world with words undistingushed between ourselves
we will hang ourselves in our closets
with our suits and skeletons
we will dream of the day we become heroic
we will hope for a saviour
we will beg to follow
but no one ever will come
because were all the same
and we have not the will to go on

it is my fear
that humanity will not die by its own hands, but that it will simply give up
let itself starve
once the last act is played
we will go into an eternity of intermisson
the actors will forget to return
the audience will wander amelessly through the theater wondering why it is they are there
and we will starve
without ever knowing


but other than that
ive got nothing to say ]]> 111858 2008-06-20 02:49:20 theres a lot of words that should be voided from all of my sentences
but i leave them there for reconstituion in a later life
when i read over this and am able to edit it
yes in my next life i will be a blog-junkie
going through pointless blogs, editting them to fit that days standards for language and fragmentation
my sentences are too perfect in this age
in the next. it will be, an utter shame to speak in any sort of riddle. No riddles at all. All that. For the Time of now. There are no subjects in the future only action. Wow! Was amazing! Going!
The language will crumble into bits of todays rubbish
Im going to go to the store
Gonna Go
theres no need to include yourself or where your going
because in the furture, youll already be there
and no one will really care
infact
superfluous words like love, sad, happy, and angry
will be replaced with nothing, for thats all "the modernist thinking"
in their modern world, they will teach of words that had vague and shadowist definition as being infact vague, illogical and dimwitted
who needs love when GOing and DOing are the only things that happen
there will be no tense, everything will happen in its rightfull place
DO?
*Nod*
in our world
"are you going to make love to her tongiht?"
"yes sir"
just as soon as this great transition takes place we will begin to transferr great wiritngs like "Automechanics Instruction Booklet for Jet-planes" into readable materials
Poetry will simply be erased, since nothing will ever have different meanings than what isnt defined
this seems very 1984ish
fuckily duck a smink
growing corn was for indians
today we create the corn using atoms and elements






my fingers pound away at the ol joanna
makin her scream for some forgotten lullaby
shes got a pulse at both ends
and my fingers know their way to her sweet spots
she howls out a nocturne at midday
and plows into sweet yellow at midnight
her fingers are just as worn as mine
playing me the way i fiddle with her
sending shockwaves through my skeleton when she goes a bit sour
i get lost in her 2-tone color
play her so fast make black into red
joannas burned in my head
her teeth are as white as they are black
and spit out sweet honey when i scratch em
she sings the bass, she wails soprano
she gets toxic
i get submissive
when i hear others have swooned her better
and beat myself into their shoes
like a hammer against a moth

sweet joanna open up to me
let me see your face
cause when i look into your eyes
all i hear is my place
on the keys
swweeeet joanna
your stories well told
you been round the block a few times
made us all suckers
young and old
make me go BLAH
im dumb in your shadow
im the dumbest most crude fellow youve ever chased after
my shoes arent tied right
my fingers a disaster
my mouth is all chaulky all covered in plaster
my eyes smell tinfoil
my nose feels itself
my ears feel like soil
my souls stored on a shelf
ym sdorw era lla sdrawkcab
my toungs lost its mind
my crotch is all shallow
and sour like lime
but you still came to me
and you come very quick
you came in an instant
you fell with a hit
your mouth ran like water
all over my hand
my ears grew flowers
my crotch became man
you smiled, betrayed me, carressed me with wine
you brought up my dreams
strung me up mighty fine
and as i lay naked
my feet all bare
you shaved off my eyelids
and plucked out my hair
i screamed in anger
i brought you to hell
i tore out you teeth
and replaced em with shell
but despite all our faults
all our torment and pain
you the best damned piano
a mans ever seen ]]> 109463 2008-06-15 03:20:51
read this only if you know yourself enough



When yer head gets twisted and yer mind grows numb
When you think you're too old, too young, too smart or too dumb
When yer laggin' behind an' losin' yer pace
In a slow-motion crawl of life's busy race
No matter what yer doing if you start givin' up
If the wine don't come to the top of yer cup
If the wind's got you sideways with with one hand holdin' on
And the other starts slipping and the feeling is gone
And yer train engine fire needs a new spark to catch it
And the wood's easy findin' but yer lazy to fetch it
And yer sidewalk starts curlin' and the street gets too long
And you start walkin' backwards though you know its wrong
And lonesome comes up as down goes the day
And tomorrow's mornin' seems so far away
And you feel the reins from yer pony are slippin'
And yer rope is a-slidin' 'cause yer hands are a-drippin'
And yer sun-decked desert and evergreen valleys
Turn to broken down slums and trash-can alleys
And yer sky cries water and yer drain pipe's a-pourin'
And the lightnin's a-flashing and the thunder's a-crashin'
And the windows are rattlin' and breakin' and the roof tops a-shakin'
And yer whole world's a-slammin' and bangin'
And yer minutes of sun turn to hours of storm
And to yourself you sometimes say
"I never knew it was gonna be this way
Why didn't they tell me the day I was born"
And you start gettin' chills and yer jumping from sweat
And you're lookin' for somethin' you ain't quite found yet
And yer knee-deep in the dark water with yer hands in the air
And the whole world's a-watchin' with a window peek stare
And yer good gal leaves and she's long gone a-flying
And yer heart feels sick like fish when they're fryin'
And yer jackhammer falls from yer hand to yer feet
And you need it badly but it lays on the street
And yer bell's bangin' loudly but you can't hear its beat
And you think yer ears might a been hurt
Or yer eyes've turned filthy from the sight-blindin' dirt
And you figured you failed in yesterdays rush
When you were faked out an' fooled white facing a four flush
And all the time you were holdin' three queens
And it's makin you mad, it's makin' you mean
Like in the middle of Life magazine
Bouncin' around a pinball machine
And there's something on yer mind you wanna be saying
That somebody someplace oughta be hearin'
But it's trapped on yer tongue and sealed in yer head
And it bothers you badly when your layin' in bed
And no matter how you try you just can't say it
And yer scared to yer soul you just might forget it
And yer eyes get swimmy from the tears in yer head
And yer pillows of feathers turn to blankets of lead
And the lion's mouth opens and yer staring at his teeth
And his jaws start closin with you underneath
And yer flat on your belly with yer hands tied behind
And you wish you'd never taken that last detour sign
And you say to yourself just what am I doin'
On this road I'm walkin', on this trail I'm turnin'
On this curve I'm hanging
On this pathway I'm strolling, in the space I'm taking
In this air I'm inhaling
Am I mixed up too much, am I mixed up too hard
Why am I walking, where am I running
What am I saying, what am I knowing
On this guitar I'm playing, on this banjo I'm frailin'
On this mandolin I'm strummin', in the song I'm singin'
In the tune I'm hummin', in the words I'm writin'
In the words that I'm thinkin'
In this ocean of hours I'm all the time drinkin'
Who am I helping, what am I breaking
What am I giving, what am I taking
But you try with your whole soul best
Never to think these thoughts and never to let
Them kind of thoughts gain ground
Or make yer heart pound
But then again you know why they're around
Just waiting for a chance to slip and drop down
"Cause sometimes you hear'em when the night times comes creeping
And you fear that they might catch you a-sleeping
And you jump from yer bed, from yer last chapter of dreamin'
And you can't remember for the best of yer thinking
If that was you in the dream that was screaming
And you know that it's something special you're needin'
And you know that there's no drug that'll do for the healin'
And no liquor in the land to stop yer brain from bleeding
And you need something special
Yeah, you need something special all right
You need a fast flyin' train on a tornado track
To shoot you someplace and shoot you back
You need a cyclone wind on a stream engine howler
That's been banging and booming and blowing forever
That knows yer troubles a hundred times over
You need a Greyhound bus that don't bar no race
That won't laugh at yer looks
Your voice or your face
And by any number of bets in the book
Will be rollin' long after the bubblegum craze
You need something to open up a new door
To show you something you seen before
But overlooked a hundred times or more
You need something to open your eyes
You need something to make it known
That it's you and no one else that owns
That spot that yer standing, that space that you're sitting
That the world ain't got you beat
That it ain't got you licked
It can't get you crazy no matter how many
Times you might get kicked
You need something special all right
You need something special to give you hope
But hope's just a word
That maybe you said or maybe you heard
On some windy corner 'round a wide-angled curve

But that's what you need man, and you need it bad
And yer trouble is you know it too good
"Cause you look an' you start getting the chills

"Cause you can't find it on a dollar bill
And it ain't on Macy's window sill
And it ain't on no rich kid's road map
And it ain't in no fat kid's fraternity house
And it ain't made in no Hollywood wheat germ
And it ain't on that dimlit stage
With that half-wit comedian on it
Ranting and raving and taking yer money
And you thinks it's funny
No you can't find it in no night club or no yacht club
And it ain't in the seats of a supper club
And sure as hell you're bound to tell
That no matter how hard you rub
You just ain't a-gonna find it on yer ticket stub
No, and it ain't in the rumors people're tellin' you
And it ain't in the pimple-lotion people are sellin' you
And it ain't in no cardboard-box house
Or down any movie star's blouse
And you can't find it on the golf course
And Uncle Remus can't tell you and neither can Santa Claus
And it ain't in the cream puff hair-do or cotton candy clothes
And it ain't in the dime store dummies or bubblegum goons
And it ain't in the marshmallow noises of the chocolate cake voices
That come knockin' and tappin' in Christmas wrappin'
Sayin' ain't I pretty and ain't I cute and look at my skin
Look at my skin shine, look at my skin glow
Look at my skin laugh, look at my skin cry
When you can't even sense if they got any insides
These people so pretty in their ribbons and bows
No you'll not now or no other day
Find it on the doorsteps made out-a paper mache´
And inside it the people made of molasses
That every other day buy a new pair of sunglasses
And it ain't in the fifty-star generals and flipped-out phonies
Who'd turn yuh in for a tenth of a penny
Who breathe and burp and bend and crack
And before you can count from one to ten
Do it all over again but this time behind yer back
My friend
The ones that wheel and deal and whirl and twirl
And play games with each other in their sand-box world
And you can't find it either in the no-talent fools
That run around gallant
And make all rules for the ones that got talent
And it ain't in the ones that ain't got any talent but think they do
And think they're foolin' you
The ones who jump on the wagon
Just for a while 'cause they know it's in style
To get their kicks, get out of it quick
And make all kinds of money and chicks
And you yell to yourself and you throw down yer hat
Sayin', "Christ do I gotta be like that
Ain't there no one here that knows where I'm at
Ain't there no one here that knows how I feel
Good God Almighty
THAT STUFF AIN'T REAL"

No but that ain't yer game, it ain't even yer race
You can't hear yer name, you can't see yer face
You gotta look some other place
And where do you look for this hope that yer seekin'
Where do you look for this lamp that's a-burnin'
Where do you look for this oil well gushin'
Where do you look for this candle that's glowin'
Where do you look for this hope that you know is there
And out there somewhere
And your feet can only walk down two kinds of roads
Your eyes can only look through two kinds of windows
Your nose can only smell two kinds of hallways
You can touch and twist
And turn two kinds of doorknobs
You can either go to the church of your choice
Or you can go to Brooklyn State Hospital
You'll find God in the church of your choice
You'll find Woody Guthrie in Brooklyn State Hospital

And though it's only my opinion
I may be right or wrong
You'll find them both
In the Grand Canyon
At sundown
]]> 108661 2008-06-13 02:19:00 a how i love their complexity their sheer feeling
ive forgotten about their movement
how they sway with the breeze
ive been too far into my own self to realize that my words have become somewhat inadequate
so i suppose here starts a new journey into word

how calm the water is upon my ferocious throat
i hate thinking about my words

thats my reason for my absence
i get to into myself when i write
i want attention i suppose
and the only way is with my silly words
but their not silly
in the least bit
why am i so enter friendly
UGH
there i go again
aesops fables would tell me somthing about the fish and the pole...
the pole sits inhumanly still in the water, and the suckerish fish, in his greedy hunger, bites. being the calm fish would help me from getting caught up in the world beyond my water.
In the water i thrive, its nutrients, its perfect supply of natural food, i am strong. But i keep looking for that easy worm to get my fame. I want, so uneasily, to be the big fish. The big fish thinks hes the best, im the little minnow, eager to swallow his naivity.
write now
explore the wonders of word
because if the world isnt described by you, its lived by someone else
i have a bad habit of over thinking
thank SCHOOL!
should this line mean anything more than what i write i win
but its certain, to me, that lines are simply a way to summarize a lifestyle
theirs nothing better than perfectly being you
good or bad
so long as its your own simple riddle, no one else will ever be able to decifer it
my days of tomatoe throwing are over
i want to better be me
and through my own letter i will decifer this bible of me
where i play all the characters
jesus is perfectly me
judas is the way to find myself
all the other cast members are differing degrees of attitude gone wrong
all the things that lead me away from being my own jesus

statues of thrown froth
beat like little moths
bounding through my mind
melding into somthing scorn
and burned to twine
i am richer than wine
older than a baby
simpler than the mind
your little gilled frog
commands touring
to the shaded path

streaming through the way where turtles prey
no man stinks like the summer day
when grown fruit stray from their home
just a dog digging through his bone

hovering by way of dujuin
just jumping joyfully
i smile at the smiling frown of the sun
uncooked by butchers
whos lives are well done

frosting brightly the stain
craning my neck
as appealing as a freight trian
grown down thrown to town
mounding muleishly
shly as a clown

just before i wake up i like to think of all the dreams ive never had and i attempt to discover their origins, i look to my world with a hunger that no man could ever derail
this is the beginning of my worldly search of word and quote
but never quote the things that make sence i think
make sence of all the ones that fail
fail is frail
and cooked like kale
in a witches pot
rotting away

my very eyes have begun to become hungry for some sort of meticulous word
that will graciously lead me to some new word to use
please



insanity is no laughing matter ive come to think
when time means nothing, and everyone who believes its everything is left behind
when conversation comes to me
i seek a good drowning
to keep everyone from seeing my hair
standing on end



none of this makes sence
its all quite jumbled
jumping form to form
from sea to shore
begging more
i wander

these weeks....maybe months of brainy disillusion have taught me the way of the saturated mind
who have been watered by piss
sucking up all the intoxication

ive joined the ranks of the uncleansed
and been no monarch
to trust

a lieing, decietful, greedy, moron ive butterflied into
i dream of my caterpillar days when all i needed was green leaf and sunshine
im stuck in the drunken night
full of paranoid frieght
waiting for my mind to be stabbed by the knight
too many times i try to make the unaduoltered rhyme
and it all sounds so old
so used
i cannot escape our bad news
bears speaking future
someone taking over
telling them its different
a knock would do me good
but to wake would mean the end ]]> 106191 2008-06-07 04:04:37  nothing spectacular happens to me
and i fear nothing ever will
i mean i heard this quote today and instead of making me feel happy it depressed me
"suffering brings beauty"
thats a sum of the quote...i think its better
why did it depress me?
because i think i've never suffered
really, i never have
ugh

let me check somthing really quick


let me say this
i love....LOVE... music
and well ive been listening/playing my soul out for the past few weeks
and theres one song that i want to describe me
not so much the lyrics...just the sound
it moves with the heartbeat
like a train wreck

but nothing has it freely accessable to you
buy the album i guess
Bryter Layter - Nick Drake
Hazy Jane II
hehehehhehe
that is my music


i fear ive lost my musicianable word
i cant help myself from backing away from the computer
it may be the beer
but i know its not
because thats not it
ive given into the social conformity
ive become everyone else
no one is different
my legs take me everywhere youve been
and i hate myself for it

i once saw the world as clean and pure
now its cluttered with our filth
our death
has it always been this way?!?!
fuck, i dont care anymore
my death is the life of my personality
i always wanted to write something beautiful
but through my life ive found that all thats beautiful
soon slips away
what a cliche
to say everythings unreal
the despare of the intelligent
is the fruit of the ignorant
and im inbetween
unseen by the mirror
you lay your lines on
and at the same time delay me
if not for the horse-shoed life you live
i be a seahorse
i dont know where thanks are needed
and forgivness ends
me the solid ghost

whos in the race
when pace fatigues us
where all the counterfits
please us
and mime their way into our grief
and sleep is given you

are your shoes unworn?
your shirts scream untorn?
born of a man youll fight for
for nothing but food

god how the world burns
for every worm it churns decay to dirt







maybe its my apathy for politics, news, and everything else
thats bringing me to my skeleton
maybe its life
i hope not
i pray to stop living just for a moment
to see myself from deaths eyes



where is my reasonability? ]]> 103320 2008-05-31 04:04:37 but its not like the sport
my fingers have never been less nimble
than they are tonight
i blame the lissome lady of my dreams ]]> 99283 2008-05-21 04:57:44 and i had completely unbearable vision of myself a few  months back
when i was a child
chilled and marrowed
i wonder sometimes about you
the person that resembles this
and wonders you ever got to this place
a drunken fool!



i once was able to write i think
ive deleted it
but i think i did write somewhere
when sober words will flow amogst us


ive found myself quite addicted to alchohol and those tiny little pills
hehehehehe
and maybe they will destroy me!
hurrah!!
]]> 96666 2008-05-14 05:16:53 I apologize for nothing, because if you are offened, you should be! ]]> 94480 2008-05-08 04:41:05 cant sleep a wink
brain snitched
cant hardly think
they told
they told
my story was old
their old
their old
my life got sold
to a beggar
who thought
all beggars
drank snot
and the only real person
was deep down in shots

and i said to myself
even to this very day
that all people on shelves
would soon rot away
barkeep barkeep pour me on draft
but the barkeep was dead
shook my head and i laughed

and all the wise people, myself, went away
my entire enclave soon turned to grey
i melted into a great pot of stew
for children to slurp
and old people to sue

a light flickered on in the old wooden home
where nobody lived
and where nobody roamed
i sat in the dark
rocking myself
placing my own mind on that old wooden shelf
i cracked into laughs
and broke into tears
i shed my own self into oil and gears
my strings they all snapped
my grin turned to frown
my own little wife burst to flames in her gown
my belly she minced at the sound of it all
she grumbled and tumbled and with a great call
she spoke to the angels and told them to flee
for ben is not right, not right is he
a murder she rang, with the sound of a bell
and cursed those damned angels all into hell
their screms of delight
spoke silent on walls
where ben once wrote all his hummable lulls
hee heeh eehehe
was all that was heard
as the tolling drums assembled unspeakable words
more more more
they shouted, he thought,
and with his ink pen he drunkenly wrought
out their greatest fear
and they smirked at the tone
as one by one they all fell into moan
please please dear lad
twas not our fault
"you were the ones who brought on this malt"
he skinned them so fine, no a tear was let loose
then willingly he hung himself on their skin-made neuce



wickedly wild with winded delight
where william once withered in unholy freight
his eyes were wide open
his mouth in a snare
and the white streaks seemed brighter with the sound of his hair

dont dare do the devilish if you fear the drum
we will shush your mouth up with a catholic hummmmm
a hymn of the silent
the bored and the meek
a song of the violent
with lyrics that speak
to the educated man who sits on his throne
who looks at the poor who pick at his bone
and all the long while
the wind keeps on moving
like some automobile
whos sound is so soothing

breathe your last breath
and ill take it in
it will become me
and you will be sin
ill breathe you right
right out into hell
and ill goto heaven
you stupid clam shell



my mind is of wicker
where candel wax drips
and piles up high
and gathers up thick

where mousiline visions are soon to be spit
my candlewax mind bends them with its grip
into fountains of clover
and mountains of dove
where sinners stay young
and lovers dont love
where children all die
somthered up in their beds
with sheets of orange plastic covering their heads
where old ladies age
and young beauties die
where fishes all float
and oceans all fry
this is my mind
and i give it to you
to drown up your brain in my own murky stew
to kill you with words
till the last word is writ
to soar up like a bird
till the sun do you split



]]> 91758 2008-04-30 04:12:09 locked away
and ive forgotten the combination
im trapped
inside myself
and mostly
i fear
what ive always known
has not ever been here

my hearts never been quite full
that little pocket of funk
just pokes away at me
and my visions
of myself
seems to fade away
with the short day

jellyfaced women

and i cant get her outta my mind
its not mine to think of her
im just a parasite
ive lived up to my name
im no longer simply insane
im whatever she claims

witch




how i wish i could write poetry
but whenever i do
i feel so ashamed
of my own unskill

theres no life like death ]]> 89124 2008-04-22 04:00:00
I guess ill start with a question
or maybe its just a statement
Isnt it strange how much can change over such a short period of time?
Yeah i guess it is
how is there a way to rate happiness
and how can i increase it?
someone needs to write a book about it
i will
and it will be titled
"Tough Luck"
and it will talk about all these happy people
and all their conquests
then, at the end, it will say
"so, how can you become happy? Well if your not already, then just stop trying...let it come to you"

i wonder about all these people who give advise
this lady on the radio i have to listen to always gives out advice to some poor slub before playing some sappy love song
and i usually block it out, thinking..."just get over it!" or my favorite "GOD TURN THE STATION!!!"
but  i caught myself listening in on a caller
and she was talking about how she was just getting married and how hard it was going with the both of them, and how she didnt think this is what marriage should be

and the advice was not what i expected.
the host said something like "you cant wait around expecting change to come, youve got to work on it"
i dont know, its a very common saying, and it really isnt that influencial
but it must have been the right moment for me to hear it
because i stopped my work, and just sat in awe over the words that just knocked on my brain
"thats way too true"

now is the part where most people would relate it to themselves
but i didnt really find a decent enough route to fit it in with me
because
its always around me
and ive changed
i hope for the better

i just dont want to be like anyone i know really
so damned....cavey
i like to think that people are basically good
its only society that makes you 'bad'
and ive seen so many people whove given into the social pressures to become bad
not in a bad way, not criminally
but just
slightly racist, ignorant, egotistical, delusional, and politically self-centered
i felt myself slipping into some of these places
and i feel the need, because of my Buddhist studies, to keep my mind clear of these things.
someone ive recently gotten to know
somehow
had all the worst luck that life could spit onto you
and it didnt change them
they turned out alright
and
it gave me hope
hope in humanity
hope in myself
hope for everyone out there whos ever smashed a fly just because, or taken a bit more just because
if they can survive life
why cant i
why cant we
it makes me smile
ive been lookin all around for this insight
for 3 years in college, inside my friends and family, drugs
and even myself
and then in just one moment
the least likely person, saying the least likely thing, can bring it out
its been sitting in me all my life
and it feels so damn to finally find it and write it out

i think college should be a place where everyone can learn this
but it wasnt for me
my teacher wasnt paid, she just sat down and talked

i love 4am talks
with myself
or with a dear friend
just to remind myself that im not alone
and i will never be
so long as people out there still live
for themselves

thanks for listening,
Ben ]]> 88480 2008-04-20 05:20:51 Everything ive ever written, anything ive ever thought
has just been.....changed
wow
isnt it amazing
the couragiousness of the human spirit
that last blog means nothing to me now
amazing
fucking amazing
jesus

i dont even have the right to say that name, jesus.

a casual friend came over to visit tonight
weve spoken a few times before, but never like this
her story has inspired me
to do what?
who am i to ask such things
god my life is dull
my worries are insignificant
my depression is released
my eyes are open
and a new view has appeared
i thought i knew life
i didnt


my world is completly...and utterly changed
school....fuck it
work....ehhhh
life.....whats that even mean

i wont tell any parts of her story, i think she wouldnt want me to
but damn
i wish i could
but i just cant

ill tell you MY experience of hers
anyone whos ever thought "life is too tough" is a fucking moron
i was a moron until.....damn....hours ago
we talked for 4 hours
she talked mostly
i just listened
im a listener, you know that
my subjectivity is null and void
my objectivity is that too
shivers of maybe adrenaline course through my veins
shes so....above me

ive met people who make me feel insignificant
but not like this
but not in a bad way

how did someone like this ever meet me?!

im a quiet kid from the burbs
wallowing in my own world

shes experienced more shit than a lifetime channel could ever cover, given 1000 years.
true
i like her
but i could never afford her
from her experience
jesus

god the stories ive told, the songs ive sung, the thoughts i knew
all now are meaningless

its like speaking to an old person, who knows how life is gonna be, but shes young...as young as me
and has the wisdom that i will never be able to express
my liquer will never hit me in the way it ever did
my cigarette will never be the same
whats happened to me?!

my muse

Shes been from Venus
coasted on Mars
shot through heaven
to the vallet of stars
my muse
all ive thought
is meaningless
without this
my Mars
from drunk to sober
in a seconds flash
with words
with experience

i know myself well enough to know when somethings different
and dear friend this IS diffferent

if your reading this, know that this is true

because nothing will ever describe this more than this post
this
post-knowlegde
if i died today, how sad it would be
theres an entire world ive never known
im curious again!!!

our little squabbles
are nothing
compared to this
politics, war, famine, all the propaganda
my silence, my shyness, my utter stupidty
is nothing
but not a bad nothing
a childs nothing
where he can explore all that nothing to make it something
and i will do that
ive been to another planet without leaving the earth
the people i know are just boring right now
in comparison
ive never met anyone whos lived the epic tragedy
and stayed alive long enough to tell me in person
until tonight
this day

im still me
but altered somehow
in a better way
thank you me!
for quitting school
and finding real life
because theres so much left to be

i love you my friends more now than youlll ever know,
Benjamin ]]> 88464 2008-04-20 02:25:07
im a looooser
im a loooooser
and im not what i appear to be


yes, my friend, i wish i could just die
but what the fuck was that!!!!!
i might be going insane
please dear god
help me
because i cant tell you from them
and i dont know where i am
ever

they wont stop
my thoiughts
they lead to voices
which lead to hallucinations

and they are not good
because they are false
and i feel myself more welcome everytime they come about

but i dont like it
as is should
should i welcome them?

i dont know what im going
to be
when i wake up
i hope im not me
because i HATE me
id rather die than not be me

really



strange sounds
enter my ear
separating me from everyone
i cant tell trust from lust
a lust for life or just a trust in living

i dont know

i want to die
but maybe theres something better

i fear my hands
they betray me with every word
i type
cats calling me
to the sky
HELP

is this the break down?
have igone insane
im only deep enough to realize that im shallow

drinking cant help can it?
i want to be murdered
please god, kill me
before i ruin everything


no one cares for me
and i dont want them to
because i will disappoint them with my death

i just want to swing
on that lost swingset
in the sunsett
please

stop my brain
i hate this

nothing makes anyting

ting ting ting

this creature
i am
makes nothing

ive sat alone too long
theres no escape
give me the meds
that will end this

depression wont leave
anytime

stop it

i want to be normal
but i just dont know how

my voice is mute

everything you know of me is a lie
but this
trust me
nothing youve read has been truth
im fiction
i do not exist

if i manage to live till next year
you will know someone defeated
i need to die
please god
kill me

i loved nature
now its turned its back on me

everyones so damn happy in their skin
i just want to rip mine off

this is my death
for a bit ]]> 87860 2008-04-18 01:59:19
i think ive about made the decision
yeah, the one that ive been thinking about for ages it seems
nothing will ever defunk this fuckin ride
its not to give up
but to begin anew
school.....hah
its drained my every ounce of soul
maybe its just the moment im in
so much bullshit i have to put up with...
god i just want to kill someone
rip their fucking eyes out
and smash their skull
jesus

i hate all this work
all this stress
and for what?!
not a goddamn thing
i could die tomarrow
i could live tomarrow
and itll all be so infinatly insignificant
HOW DO YOU LIVE?!??!
knowing that your life is so....fucking worthless
everything you do, is pointless
your children will grow to despise you as you hate yourself
the world will never know you
your thoughts are everyones thoughts
your not unique
your a goddamn windup toy
99 cents at mcdonalds

your cheap plastic, who melts in the sun
what keeps you going?!
how can you live with yourself everyday?
is it the alchohol? the drugs? the tv?
are these the things you use to forget yourself?!??!
i cant
these things bring me closer to myself
booze...just makes me sad
drugs...i see myself for who i am
tv.........god i think too much when its on
do you?!
jesus, if you do
lets just fucking quit this society
go rampaging through the west
robbing stores, bonnie and clyde style
in the sun
with our shades on
and a lit cigarette always on our lips
speeding around in an old grungy car.
this life i live is not life
School!?!!?
that IS NOT life
college is not the "time to party, before real life starts"
college is the place where you begin to plan to die
and i learned that
and i dont want to
because im not suicidal
though i think it
often
im not that birdy
i just want this school semester to be over
god how school makes me depressed
3 years down
and im bout to quit
i hate all my classes

fucking psychology: learns to think the way that everyone else does!
Biology: learn useless information, from a teacher whos fucking........UGH
english 1:......pointless in too many words
english 2: i love
anthropology: lucky its once a week
lab: bullllllllshit

then theres work
Subway: feed the fattest, laziest, fuckers on the fucking planet
"get me the BIGGEST sub you got!"
"lose some weight first fatso, suck ice"
"how dare you!"
"fuck you cocksucker! what the fuck are you gonna do? eat me?!"
"ill call the manager"
"guess who that is!"
"ill never shop here again!"
"i wont let you shop here again diabetic fuck"

on a side note
if you have diabetes, or are in knowing of those who have it
i dont apologize
its your fault
theres no sympathy for your eating habits
your not naturally fat...you just had a terrible mother

i would say sorry, but i dont care
come find me
hah!




i despise money
and everyone, even me, that uses it
for things they dont NEED
food, water, shelter, etc.
TV! CAR! GOLDEN TOILET SEAT COVER!!
such a waste of life

you dont know my hatred for such things
brings my brain to boiling



A test tomarrow! hurray!
i give up
school is not for me
3 years of my life
of depression
of hatred
but
of enlightenment
though
is that a result of school?
some yes
most....no
school gave me the option
i gave myself the will
tests......papers......projects
fuckin.....stupid.......bullshit
who the fuck is anyone to ever test my knowledge
i know what i want to know
let me learn more of it
i like the options
the different areas
but to choose just one!
thats stupid
i want to be....a scholar
just know a bunch about everything

i hope terrorists come here
and blow up everything
and release terrible diseases
yes
then we'll have something to do
right now
we got nothing
and what happens when people do nothing?
somethin stupid happens

ugh

i want crazy people to destroy things
so i feel comfortable somewhere
because right now
im on a carasel


but all goes clear
this is it
its taken 3....3....3 goddamn miserable years to realize
I dont want to be here
1 more year....ill be dead
by my own hands
i know it
i goddamn KNOW it

dreaded school has done somthing
made me FEAR the future
"JOBS!!! RETIREMENT!!!! AHHHH!"

i can work a shit job
i smoke...so i hope to die off sooner than retirement
i wont have children, by choice
i just want to write
write and write and write
and fuckin a

you ever make  big decisions?
i never have
nope
never
going to college was just...the next obvious step
working is a must
moving around is instinct
but this
droppin out
feels good
like i shoulda done it forever

we will see in the morning
but write now
just for me
i need to say why it is i shouldnt stay

1. i hate it...as much as i love it
2. its bullshit...but teaches me a lot
3. depression
4. suicide
5. no one understands me there...well a few do
6. college educated people are snobby
7. taking english may ruin me
8. i need a job
9. what job does an english major do?
10. i dont want to teach
11. this path may not be my own

that last one strikes me deep
core-style


i will finish the year
to help the ones i love at school
to help the groups im in
but....i just AINT happy
and never will be there

im that person..you know
the one that gets A's regardless
my sister, my brother study all day..all night
for every class
i....beat around, hang out, drink, wallow
and get A's
ive had a few drinks
never looked at my psychology book....Dont even have it
and i will get an A tomarrow
and i hate that
i dont belong there
i could be anything
i get A's in every class
well....that is if i do the work
which i do
but very late-notice style
But what will i DO!??! oooo no!!
thats the worst thing anyone has ever told me
"what are you going to do when you grow up?!"
thats worse than the santa claus not real thing
because its a fear
one thats very suttle
but very real

im not meant for school
i was never
i hated it
it killed me

so welcome me friend, because im going to real life...hehehehehehehehehehehe

Your dearest friend,
Ben

(brought to you by Sutter Home) ]]> 87151 2008-04-16 04:06:23
the puddle ive stepped in has proven to be oceanic
always i step
you know i love to step around
but my feet never know where it is they lead my head
so im doomed to follow the fate of my feet
can you hear this?!
or should it be, read this.
why is it love and despair seem so close
almost in the same emotion
i mean, one second you my friend sit there
then the next, your standing shouting around the room
pretending to be some sort of preist
(why do you always referr to preists?)
because they shout i guess

(is life worth living?)
i suppose, if your life sees you as necessary.
but then
whos to say that your anything short of mundain
(oh how he hates the mondain)
yes, i do
so wholeheartedly

its the only thought one could ever have, true thought
(dont think like that)
dont test me
(whos testing?)
that who questions
(im just trying to be helpfull)
yeeesh, if i wanted helpfullness id turn to my imagination
yes...imagination
hmmm
thatd be good
why not let them come
(dont)
yeah, let them be here now
(dont)
it would be a party of sorts, how i long to see my other frineds again
(no you dont)
who are you to tell me what i dont
(your friend)
your a lie
now vanish!


good
now its just us
hehehehe
all the mischeif we will get into

as i slip into imagination
in hopes to never return
hehehhheheeh
its so crumbling
this world


oh lock me up!
i want to sit, bound, and forgotten
in a dull room
and play with my friends
plleeeeaaase
(shut up!)
hehehe
your dead my friend

(doesnt seem so)
your mouth is a lemon-aid stand
sour and overpriced
(your words are dull)
....
(i see that look, comrad. i know how to hurt you)
you know how to hurt yourself
(.....)
hehehehehe see
im like the blue bonnet you wore that sunday in hell
(youve lost it, go to sleep)
i think ill stay up a while, and remove you from my head
(im too far in there, im you now)

who are you to say anything about me!?
no
dont answer
because then youll just be real

let me play!
(i wont)
there i am
my comrad
in the distance
oooo i hear thunder!
(dont)
heheheheheheehehehe
(i will leave)
you cant
i control you
(psh, you control nothing)
then why can i do this
"(you control everything!!!!)"
(thats not me, notice the " )
i do that to remind you of my own life
(your going to places i know you dont like)
and on the mountain my silohette is cast against a deep blue sky, a ominous cloud tears through the landscape behind me
(dont! im warning you!)
hehehehe
your so silly
(i cant follow you everywhere, comrad)
whats this comrad talk, were friends
(not right now, your just too...)
intense, i know, its my nature
(no, dont say that)
what?
(exactly)
alright Bugs, enough of your tomfoolery
and BAM
lightning strikes
my features revealed
And my dear friends are next to me
heeeeellllloooo!
its been so long!
(sto)
hehehhe
your dead, my marvelous creation
now is the age of happpppy
( hah )
shut up!
my friends tell me of their adventures
i sit and laugh playfully
as their stories wind roads into my mind
choo chooo
the train is coming!
hurray, time for me to get on. finally!
please...this mountain has been far too lonely
(you just dont know what your doing, your totally......)
awesome
because i gave in?
noooooo
because i realized
all that you are

you lie, you unrespectable bastard
(you cant let me go)
ughhhh
why dont you just  fly
yeah
sink
into the sky
(stop it)
you are the person of nots
!
hehehehe
crumble like steel
drink like sand
live like death
(thats nothing)
he twitches around a bit
and screams
(whos he, now?)
you and us
kooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
(your hands are very heavy)
noooooooooooo
(hehehe, i am you, so much)
stop it!
my head cant think!
(exactly, i am reality)
your false, where are you these days?
(look whos silly now!)
if i
(nooooo noo noo heheheh that just brings me up up up!)
but
(see, i am your thoughts)
i control it all
and my friends will help me
come come my friends

he sat against the wooden steps
and cut out his eyes

 and galloped into the pool

and all went red

a warm red
(youll die before me, keep it up)
i will
my penny
is shiny
(how very observant)
what are you vampire?
heheheh
your dead now
hehehehehehehe
hahahahaah
ive done it!
now its just me
and my friends
who never speak
and i just listen to all they dont say
i wonder how he felt, my friend, dieing
that
(only temporary)

my friends have bullets
to put you to sleep

(and ive got medicines, to make you real)
Why did you do that!?!?
nooooo
(quit sobbing, its for your own good)
my hands need to move by my own head, not yours...friend
what kind of a friend are you
(the kind that smiles as you fall to sleep, and stabs away all the pain)
theres no pain, your the pain
(then ill stab myself)
what?

oooooooooo
my fingers feel nothing these days
(thats cause youve lost your will to....stop)
slop, whats the refridgerator doing jumpingjacks for?
my friends love us
(they do)
so let me do this
(fine then)
i like the unexpected change of mind
(dont worry, im just playing your games until i kill you)
you funny
(your illiterate)
we will meet in the padded room
(of coarse)
my eyes will see my friends
(nope)
these things dont work
(give it time)
id rather paint your death
(with so much death being talked about,  whos going to be alive?)
thats a gooood question
not i
(nor i)
"we will"
hehehehehe
(fuck you ben)
my friends!
"heY!"
hiiiiii
(do what you must, ill see you in a few years)
good
we must love the circus!
"we do!"
]]>