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hey -- clean slate??

I am trying to think of a way to get this sorted, I am trying to be pro-active…
I have changed so much that I hate myself. I am boring and I have no life, my colleagues and friends don’t invite me out anymore and I feel isolated and trapped. This is not your fault I let this happen . I want to move forward I want to have fun, go out, laugh, and be silly and childish. I want to be fun, I want to enjoy my life… I want my life back, I want to be successful.
You became very controlling by being stroppy and/or moody if I worked late, if I went out with my friends. I used to go out and feel guilty and I didn’t know why… In the end I stopped. You were right when you said I may end up resenting you, I want to stop that before it goes that far. I sometimes felt trapped and restricted. I am so sorry I took my frustration out on you. I don’t ever want to be horrible to you, hurt or upset you. I am soooo sorry. I thought I could be what I thought you wanted (of that makes sense). Weird as I know you wouldn’t want me to be unhappy. I should have dealt with this months ago. I felt like I gave everything to this, my career, my friends, my social life and the more I gave the worse it became. I alienated the people around me who I like and who I enjoy to be with, people who make ME laugh, people who love and care for ME. These where my friends and I gave them up... because it was easier. I should be able to choose my own friends and not have to listen to anyone slate them, pass judgement on them or my friendship with them. I have survived this long to be able to not make only shit choices!! I was not myself and I hated me, my life, and my job. So be angry, blame me, slate me do whatever because now I have nothing, it can’t be any worse… I am alone and have only myself to blame. I need the freedom to live my life and be happy... I would love you to be a part of that life, to make my life complete… to be what was missing before, I worked soo hard to make friends and I don’t make them easy, I worked hard to be successful and I did work hard at us. So maybe I shouldn’t try to make this work, I should just be and be happy and if we are going to work we will. I shouldn’t have to give up one piece of my life to make the other piece/piece work it shouldn’t be like, I should have all the pieces and that should then give me a complete and happy life. Maybe I should just be me and if you want to be a part of my life (a big part) I would love that. I want all the happy pieces in my life. I don’t believe that love should be a sacrifice, I believe that love should enrich and enhance your life…. All of you life. Love should make everything else better, work, family and friend relationships it should make life more fulfilled. I want to fulfil your life and I want you to fulfil mine……………….

I sit here now missing you like my mad……………. Wishing we could wipe the slate clean, start again with what we know now. Wishing I was going home to you tonight, and you to wrap you arms around me………..

Please remember this: I have never felt the way I feel about you with anyone else. YOU ARE IT FOR ME. You were the first person I EVER had feeling for and I hope you are the last.

Yours Always
S