Well the thing that I knew was coming finally came. It took a lot longer than I imagined it would, like 2 1/2 years later. I'm such an idiot. I just need to tell my story and work out my thoughts. So bear with me.

The gist of it is that I'm married (no children) and I've been having an affair with another man for almost 3 years. It has been an extreme emotional roller coaster ride filled with the highest highs, the mediocre moments, and the lowest of the lows. We flew off the track a few times and have now just tore down the ride for good. It finally ended a few weeks ago after an unresolved argument that we had.  We haven't talked since.

I have never experienced such a complex man, such a complex relationship, and such a complex situation in my entire life. I'm totally drained and devoid of anything really at this point. I don't even know who I am anymore. We were just friends at first, but then things started to happen and we found that we had so much in common emotionally and mentally, this bond we could not ignore. I was so reluctant to become close to him, obviously because I am married and had been loyal to my husband for so long. But my resistance eventually faltered, my feelings became too strong for me to control. I totally fell head over heels in love. My husband found out after a few months, but he stayed. We went to marital counseling but it didn't help. The affair ended briefly but then it resumed. We became very attached to each other. We saw each other alot when I could get away. I lied constantly to my husband about where I was, what I was doing, who I was talking with. I felt overwhelming guilt, anxiety, and depression but I made myself feel better by being with my "boyfriend". I created this horrendous cycle of ups and downs, a cause and effect scenario constantly feeding off each other.

Then my boyfriend who has a diagnosed panic disorder started to get sick. His anxiety and panic became worse, he lost a lot of weight, missed work, started drinking heavier than normal (but denied it), and eventually went back on medication which he hated because it made him feel like a zombie and gave him sexual side effects. I blamed myself for his problems thinking that if I wasn't causing him so much stress by not leaving my husband he wouldn't be experiencing this. I felt almost motherly towards him, wanting to take care of him and make his problems go away but not able to leave my husband for him at the same time. His meds seemed to work to help the anxiety issues but his personality seemed to change, his emotions were dulled and he didn't seem to care as much about me. It showed in the way he treated me and the things that he stopped doing for me or saying to me. He started to lie or leave out things about his life or what he was doing or who he talked to. I'm a naturally suspicious person and it's hard for me to trust people and I totally latched on to every sentence he said, detecting every little misstatement or discrepency in a story. I started to become jealous of new women that he was befriending at work and we would start to argue about it all the time.  Then we stopped arguing and things became "stable" (as stable as it could be with him) for awhile. I still sensed his discrepencies and things he was hiding from me but I accepted it, telling myself that he is a naturally guarded person and to open himself up too much causes him too much anxiety. We were so much alike in that way, in a lot of ways. I wasn't in complete denial but I loved him too much to do anything about it. I felt the alternative of completely losing him was way worse than the pain I was going through.

It was status quo for a bit until he started disappearing. He missed a lot of work, he would make up many excuses to his bosses. He had the flu, strep throat, several colds, gastroenteritis, food poisoning -- all in the same year. Sometimes he would tell me the real reason - he was having another panic/anxiety episode, and sometimes he would lie to me too. I sensed he was drinking again, he denied it, even though I could smell it on his breath. Worse, he started to mix alcohol with tranquilizing meds like clonozapam. I hated being with him when he was in this state as he acted terribly inebriated and slurred his words and became beligerant with me for no reason. He was on a downward spiral and I felt powerless to do anything about it. He wouldn't admit he had a problem and he was pushing me further and further away and I saw him less and less. He went on these days-long hiatuses where he was unreachable by internet, phone, wouldn't answer his door. Sometimes I thought he could be dead. I was a wreck. I finally starting going to counseling for myself, I needed someone to talk to and god knows I couldn't tell my husband, my friends, my family, ANYBODY about what I was dealing with and going through.

His company went through some major downsizing and he was let go. That was not a surprise to me, how can someone miss so much work and not expect to be one of the first on the list. He has spent the last couple months holed up in his home, not going out much, barely talking to anyone. He would chat with me briefly almost every day, so at least I knew he was still alive and somewhat functioning. He blew me off a couple times when we were supposed to meet up, claiming to have forgotten or some other BS. The last time was just plain cruel. My husband was on a trip for awhile and we had made plans to get together. He seemed genuinely excited and initiated the plans and kept calling me asking me if I was leaving work yet. Something came up and I had to cancel. I apologized profusely and we made plans for the following evening instead, he seemed OK with it and understood. The next day, I did not hear from him. I called him a few times, left messages asking if we were still on for that night. No response. The following day I called him and he finally answered his phone and acted like he was surprised to hear from me and was very nonchalant "whats up, how are you" and all that jazz. I was flabbergasted. I could barely speak and I was getting ready to blow my top as I asked him what happened and why he didn't have the courtesy to call me to cancel or tell me what was going on. He said he didn't feel well and said "oh, what, you are mad at me now?". I couldn't believe the cluelessness and callousness, so I said I had to go, said goodbye and hung up. He called me back and I wouldnt answer the phone, I couldn't talk to him at that moment. So he left me a message saying he didn't appreciate me hanging up on him and told me not to talk to him anymore. And that was that.

I don't get it and I don't think I ever will. I want to understand so bad, to have a reason, a conclusion to this all. Closure. I don't think I'll ever get it with him. I never understood why he kept hurting me when he knew he was, and kept apologizing, but still doing it. My counselor told me it is a form of an abusive relationship, not physically, but emotionally. He didn't even hurt me with words, never told me I was worthless or put me down in any way verbally. He just didn't seem to care about my needs or my emotions, didn't really try to comfort me when I was down, was very selfish and focused on only his problems. He gave me mixed signals all the time, a constant push and pull of "come here and love me, now go away" .  I endured all the BS and hurt because he made me so happy at times. He made me laugh, made me smile, made me love, made me dream, feel so much passion, so much sexuality. Someone finally understood me and could relate to me. All those things I thought were gone in me, he brought out. I endured all the emotional torture just on that one chance that seemed to never come towards the end. That once chance that he would treat me like he did in the beginning. I lived for fleeting moments of warmth and love from him. Like a dog begging for scraps. 

It is unbearable to think about now and I'm trying desperately to pick up the pieces and go on. It's so hard because I have to do it alone and in silence. Normally, when people experience a broken heart, they have the support of their family and friends, shoulders to cry and lean on. I don't have that, no one can know what happened. I'm all alone suffering. I totally feel like I deserve it too. It's karma I guess. I had an affair and broke a vow, continually lied and cheated, and now I'm reaping the consequences. I'll probably burn in hell too. But what fate awaits the boyfriend? I so want him to get what he deserves for being so cruel to me. He could have ended it so long ago and told me he wasn't that into me anymore and stopped stringing me along. But have I done the same thing to him by never leaving my husband for him? I feel totally responsible for everything and I don't know how to go on really. I still love him a lot and I suspect I always will. I'm just not sure what to do about my life now.