Well I made it, I lived through the day. It was a horrible depressing gray day, but I made it. I made it without doing anything stupid or anything regrettable. I laid low, I didn't leave the house except to take my dog for a walk and get the mail. I didn't talk to anyone except one friend online to ask about her new job, and to my husband -- very briefly. He came home late from work and we aren't talking much these days. He seemed upset and disappointed that I didn't go to work today and that I didn't do any chores like grocery shopping while I was taking the day off. He doesn't understand my depression and he really doesn't seem to care.You would think that someone who grew up with a bipolar father and suicidal half-brother would understand mental illness. No, he blocks it out. He doesn't remember his father being really sick and in the hospital even though he was much older than a baby. His mother had to tell me the story about his dad being diagnosed and wanting to kill himself. So he blocks me out too and the fact that I have been going to counseling for over 5 months and the fact that I was on anti-depressants for a year. I didn't even tell him that I am probably going back to a psych. He will never understand me. He's known me since I was 16 but he has never KNOWN me. I guess he chose to ignore or play off all the weird shit I have done over the years and my bouts of odd behavior. He couldn't ignore the affair though.

However, I promise I will be better tomorrow. I will wake up early, I will actually get out of bed. I will shower, I will get dressed, I will make my counseling appt, I will NOT cancel. I will go to work, I will actually DO some work while there. I will hopefully hear back from the other company with a job offer too. And I will probably IM him. It's been 2 weeks since our blowout and 2 days since I wrote him the email. No response as I suspected. I will find out one way or the other for good tomorrow how he really feels. I will force him to either say "I'm sorry, I too don't want this rift between us" or "leave me alone for good, I'm done with you". I suspect he will try to be ambiguous and leave every option open as he usually does. I was shocked when he actually told me not to talk to him anymore, he never makes a decision that final. Or he will make one and then back out. I know I'm most likely setting myself up for some major new heartbreak tomorrow but I have to move towards finality. SCORCHED EARTH is my new mantra. You have to burn it all to rebuild anew.  He can tear me down til there is nothing left and something, someone new will finally emerge. I can't wait to meet her.