Well my husband and I had the divorce talk again this morning. We always seem to do it during the morning as we are getting ready for work, well he was getting ready. I couldn't get out of bed again. I'm guessing that is why the divorce talk came about again, my depression. My lack of motivation, my disinterest in sex, my disinterest in even talking. This time we came pretty close to just throwing in the towel but decided to give it another month to unravel or heal. I'm happy being openly sad for now. I have been hiding it for so long. I told him that I was relieved when he went out of town for a few days a couple weeks ago because I could just sit home and cry all night long with no fear of who it may affect. I cried so hard for so long that I woke up in the morning with my eyes all puffy and closed like I had been boxing. I told him I need to go back on medication. He wants to know what is making me so depressed because it obviously has to be something. Nothing ever just is with him. Well he knows about the job situation and how shitty that is for me, but he still wants me to go in bright and shiny and give it my all every day. He's just worried that I won't have a source of income in the event of our divorce. I told him I didn't want a dime from him, I'd rather live in my car and never shower than be thought of as the gold digging ex-wife. But, he doesn't know about the final ending of the affair and how depressed that is making me. I just came to realize that maybe my husband loves me like I love my ex-other. I wonder who my ex-other loves like I love him, because it sure ain't me that he loves that way. And he doesn't love himself either, otherwise he wouldn't treat people the way he treats them. It's all karma, round and round.

I know I should treat my husband better, I don't deserve him. I've known this from the moment I met him. He saved me from one abusive relationship, tried to boost my self-esteem (I've since learned that can only really come from yourself), was nothing but loving to me, survived cancer, and sheltered me from every storm imaginable. I shouldn't be treating him this way with neglect and lies. But then I go back to when he cheated on me with a good friend - but that was before we were married - and all the doubts he had about us and the waiting and waiting for him to love me again. Wow, sounds familiar to present time with the ex-other. I'm in a pattern here with men. When will I finally find the love I need within myself and stop looking to other people for it??

Get off the floor girl and make something happen. Live, Love Yourself, and Be Free For Once!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!