Well I was doing OK this past week. I started my Zoloft, was on the 1/2 tablet for 7 days, now just went up to the full tablet. I don't have any side effects really, maybe some anxiousness and a bit of nausea when I take it. I try to make sure to eat enough in the morning when I take the pill. No panic attack that wakes me up out of a sound sleep though, like I had with Lexapro a couple years ago.  That really sucked and I was worried that might happen again. So far so good.

I have been busy wrapping things up at my job, my last day is Friday and I have been working like hell to transition my knowledge and skills of the past 10 years off to a complete greenhorn. This will never work with this guy coming into this position, but I keep my thoughts to myself on that. Not my problem any longer!! I start my new job next Tuesday, getting pretty anxious about that. I am kicking myself for not taking at least a few more days off in between, I really could have used the rest. If just to bring some closure to my professional life over the past 10 years.

My favorite time of the Sports year is here, the NCAA Basketball Tourney. I love college basketball and my favorite team made the Sweet 16 so I'm pretty stoked about that! 

I've been being more social the past couple weeks, hanging out with friends and chatting more, attending a St. Patricks Day festival and going to the bar to watch basketball games.

I even got outside and did some yard work yesterday, since the weather was fairly decent if a bit chilly, but no wind and plenty of sunshine so I was able to rake up all the dead leaves out of the flower beds. I love to be outdoors and plant flowers and shrubs, so I am looking forward to that time of year coming up. I took my pooch to the dog park since it was so nice and enjoyed watching all the younger dogs romp and play (mine is too old and just wanders around and sniffs everything).

I have still been playing in my volleyball leagues and I even went to the gym and worked out on Friday night for the first time in about a month or more since I fell into despair.

My husband is being so good to me and trying so hard to keep us together and make me feel happy. He says he sees the improvement in my mood and is trying to be so supportive.

So, why do I feel so down today?? There seem to be a lot of things going well for me, happy moments everywhere, and things to look forward to. Yet today I just woke up not wanting to get out of bed again. Inside I feel like I want to cry, yet the tears won't really come. Before, they would have flowed like a river at the slightest twinge of sadness. Now, my eyes get wet, but they quickly dry and I continue to soldier on. I don't know if the medication is already having an effect on me and keeping me from feeling such low lows or if I've finally turned the corner. Maybe my months of therapy are finally paying off and I am finally coming to terms with the torture he has put me through. Maybe I will get over him after all. I wanted so bad to talk to him today but I kept myself busy and kept talking myself through that thought. I was telling myself that he has hurt me so bad and he doesn't think anything of it. My counselor told me I am still "at risk" if I have any contact with him whatsoever. I'm still at risk even if I don't have contact with him.

Well, I am alive and I have actually been living. Today I guess was just a relapse. The old adage of one step forward and 2 steps back. Tomorrow is another day and I will try again and see how it goes.