so being a drunk is not that fun. i mean, it is, but then it isn't. i dont even know why i just called myself a drunk because im not a drunk. i just occasionally take drinks out the fridge and enjoy them when my moms not home. but i like the feeling of the alcohol going down my throat. it numbs the pain only for a second. stealing is a totally different high. i feel like 'wow, you idiot, you didnt JUST see my steal three cans of Full Throttle? are YOU okay?' i mean i really want to stop stealing but everytime i pass by the store...i cant help myself. it's like tempting. but now, i i have to change my ways. i dont want to be this person anymore. i dont want to be the same stealing liar that i used to be. my mom and i are struggling, and i dont mean to say this...but she only has $114.80 in her checking account. i almost had a heart attack when i saw how much money we DIDNT have. and i remember the day that i founf out that we were $35,000 dollars in debt. that naive truth hit my like a 50 ton bus. i couldnt handle it. thats why im planning on getting a job. a job working in my school's cafeteria. they will pay me $7.25 an hour and i get free lunch. i WANT this job...so that i can at least save $500 dollars for my mom and give it to her....so it can help out with  something. because i know that the $500 dollars will help out at least a little. now...inside...i still feel like the pain is lingering from the past years...and i hate myself for holding this grudge still. its annoying me...that i cant let this go. but i know that now i have to...no matter how much it hurts. and with the whole blake thing? i cant even do it anymore...but i know as soon as i get my phone back...ill be texting him and calling him.....and telling him that i love him...when i dont. i dont love that ass. alll he talks about is sex. and you know what? im feel like a slut when i talk to him. number one because im only 14 talking to a 20 year old. number two because im a virgin...and i dont plan on having sex until im married. i know  that sounds soooo unrealstic...but ....im determined for that to happen. i was never this slutty type person. i never had phone sex until this year. i  was so desperate to have a guy say that he loves me that i would do anything. and the sad part is that i would fall for it when Blake told me that he loved me. but then i realized that he only wanted sex...and then i realized that no matter how much it hurts him...which it wont.....i needed to break off this thing that we had going on. phew! that was a lot of typing! yowza baby! :D well...i gotta go search online for tennis racquets...because....haha...i just joined tennis club!!! wish me luck

love....
brittany