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People ask me how do I cope with my mother’s problems? I think that’s the key, I see her and the problems she has as two separate things. I see my mother who is my friend, who helped me when my marriage broke up after 25 years, who was (and sometimes still is) kind; who taught me that if I cared for others I would get back that care when I need it; from an early age she encouraged me to be able to support myself financially (quite a revolutionary idea in her generation); my mother began to loose her sight in her 40’s and she was brave and carried on with her life (looking after my father until his death). In the last 20 years she developed ankylosing spondilitis (the joints usually in the spine fuse over a period of time) it is very painful. To this day she will not take pain killers for it. In the last 10 years she has begun to loose her hearing. Through all this she will not admit that she has difficulties. If someone will not admit that they cannot see properly (even if they need a white stick) and will not admit that they cannot hear properly (even though she needs hearing aids) they are definitely not going to admit that they are having problems with thinking and remembering things. So my mother is a caring person who has many problems who is still experiencing a reasonable quality of life. I seem to have the facility to separate the person of my mother from her physical and mental problems.
Logic and knowledge tells me that her condition will get worse. Hopefully by living with her to offer support any deterioration will be slowed (in fact my maternal grandmother died a couple of weeks before her 104th birthday).
I also have tried to keep my own life including regular contact with my friends. Although I’ve given up my little cottage and my furniture is now spread around my son, my friends and my mothers garage, it was a choice that I’ve have made. Why did I make that choice, because for someone as independent as my mother to go into a residential home would have been terrible.
When my marriage broke up I left the family home with two plastic carrier bags and a radio tape machine, I was happy to go and realised that all those items that most people think are important to their lives are just "things". My mother’s possessions are very important to her (perhaps that’s why she now keeps almost every piece of paper that comes through the letter box). Every bit of furniture she has was bought with my father. She can tell you were they bought it from. Her home is very much part of her memory of him and that’s one of the reasons going into a residential home would probably finish her off. I could never live with that. Leaving her on her own in her own home wasn’t a choice because she wasn’t coping well, not eating properly and getting panic attacks at any noise she couldn’t identify. Then she would phone me and I would have drive to her place to check on her. It is easier to be here to reassure her and I don’t have to make midnight dashes to check on her.
My other coping strategy is having a job that I love. I know that as mother’s condition deteriorates I will have to decrease my hours until I have to give up working. I have already cut down my hours. But my job gives me a whole new set of people to think about and get involved with. I suspect that even when I am officially not working I will probably do something voluntary. What is this job, I work on a one to one with adults with learning disabilities. I won’t go into too much detail, for reasons of confidentiality. I know that some of the people I work with use blog sites. Until I started blogging I wasn’t sure why they blogged, but now I realise that in the virtual world we take people at face value. Although “face” is not really the correct words, perhaps I mean “word” value. We accept what people say, because without verbal or physical contact there is no other way to judge the people we meet on line. Good thing too.
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Posted by bede on 2007-08-31 14:32:42 | Rating: | Views: 154
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I hope you do not sacrifice your job for your mother. In the USA we have people paid by the county to come to a person's home to care for them during the day. They fix meals, give baths, medications, physical therapy, etc. Don't you have similar programs in the UK. Have you looked for help?
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Posted by penumbra88
on 2007-08-31 14:51:07
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Your mother sounds like a wonderful person and she has raised an amazing daughter. You have chosen to live out love. You're my hero!
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Posted by penguin
on 2007-08-31 15:08:34
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I work in social care, so yes I have looked into help, but unless she is prepared to accept help she cannot be forced to accept it.
Although she knows she has difficulties she will not yet admit that she has any problems. Mental incapacity has to be proved in a court before she can be forced to accept help, she has not reached that stage yet.
Also my job will not be sacrificed, because I have reached retirement age and will have to cut back anyway.
We do have people that help in people's own homes but they don't come all day.
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Posted by bede
on 2007-08-31 15:16:41
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Penguin - Thanks for recognising my mothers qualities. I started the blog as a way of offloading when things get difficult. But just thinking about what I am going to write shows that they are not as difficult as I thought, and how remarkable she really has been and still is.
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Posted by bede
on 2007-08-31 15:27:52
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perhaps I was chinese in another life.
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Posted by bede
on 2007-09-01 00:56:22
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hi
visit
http://www.thoughts.com/Saraswathi/blog/goddess-of- wisdom-5698/
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Posted by Saraswathi
on 2007-09-01 02:54:09
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You are a shining example of a good daughter.
Self sacrifice is what you are doing.
I admire you.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2007-09-04 12:50:23
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