I am a child of the sixties. I remember both some great and some sad things about those years. England winning the world cup, Neil Armstrong steps out of the Apollo spacecraft onto the moon, Reverend doctor Martin Luther Kings ‘I have a dream speech’ and his assassination, songs of the Beatles, and King Kong falling from the top of the empire state building (which left me in tears...).

If you read my last post you would know that I have been in a bit of a stressed state, and I realise now that I was also depressed. Today as the darkness lifted I noticed that my mood was reflected though not in detail by the words of the Beatles song ‘Yesterday’. Had this song that I so often enjoyed hearing reinforced my negative thinking rooted in traumatic experiences of my past?

Yesterday
I felt ‘pressed down’/‘flat’
There were so many things on my mind: Moving, my fiancees operation (t.b.a), Good goals to put into action...struggle with the state of the flat...my children’s lives changing...

Last night and through till about 10am this morning I had a refreshing sleep.
And I feel un-pressured now.

All the good goals looked impossible. I won’t be able to act upon them because they will be taken away and I will have to do something else.

...memory of Dad passing out then falling lightly and partially on top of me as a child (6 yrs) as I was laying on a settee. He collapsed over the back and the settee held the most of his weight of him from me...

What I want to do doesn’t matter.

What I want to do is not important.
...memory as a child of 8yrs asking my dad to watch me play football and him saying that he couldn’t.

I have no value.

I am not able to do what I want to do because Dad was not able to do what he wanted to do...

I am my Dad and therefore I am not able to do what I want to do.

Is this true?

50% of my genes are from mum and 50% from my dad. Therefore, genetically I am not my dad. Genetic growth is nurtured by social and environmental circumstances interacting with individual intellect choice and decisions. It is likely then that although I have 50% of dad’s genes (some which are recessive anyway) through the factors mentioned I far more a unique individual than a copy of dad. Though I may possess a few of his characteristics, I am not him.

If all people realised that they are not their mother or father or simply a mixture of the two they may experience a freedom to find out who they really are.

If someone is not able to let go of a loved one who has died or a dream that is lost or failed, they may seek to keep the memory alive in some way. Miss Haversham (bk 'Great expectations' by Charles Dickens) syndrome. Her husband to be didn’t turn up at the wedding when she was young. Now old and grey, she sits in the wedding reception room with the wedding cake and other things in cob webs, while she festers with resentment towards the love of young couples and teaches a young lady to treat her suitors spitefully.

If we all hung on to the objects of representing our losses in this way we would all live an emotional nightmare as everyone projects their repressed feelings of resentment and anger onto one another seeking to get even in some way for something that, we feel, has been taken away from us.

...I have done many things that I wanted to do. I have qualifications that dad didn’t seek to achieve. I am a Franciscan Tertiary, dad wasn’t. I have been married twice and am preparing for a third marriage, dad was married just the once to mum. I am a musician, dad wasn’t, and song writer, dad wasn’t. This is all evidence supporting the fact that I am not like my dad.

Yet, like dad, I do become inactive because of something happening mentally/emotionally overwhelmingly. His bouts were far extended in time than that of mine and he was hospitalised many times for mental health problems whereas I have not been at all. Though I recognise that the uk government’s policy for supporting people with mental health problems in the community (and away from institutionalised care) came into place between the end of dad’s life and the manifestation of my mental health problems later, I also recognise that his problems were more severe than mine. He attempted suicide several times, whereas I have not. Although when severely distressed a couple of times I have thought about it God intervened both times by drawing me close to His heart and making me feel loved and special to him. Dad managed regular work at times and so have I.

I want to write rational realistic motivational goals, write action plans for their implementation, carry them out, learn from their experiences and adjust goals/plans/actions if necessary.

I don’t want to hold on to things that keep me focused on the life/memory of a loved one who has passed away.

I don’t want to hold on to unrealistic dreams/goals.

If I don’t get what I want in life I fear that I will feel more depressed and eventually die unfulfilled.

Due to a tendency towards perfectionism I do tend to set my goals unrealistically high - beyond my limitations as a human being or in my current state of growth/mental health. Failing to achieve these type of unrealistic goals can teach me more about my limitations as a human being and so help me to write more realistic goals later with a sober estimation of my abilities. It could also teach me to rely more on God, his guidance and timing.

I could work towards meeting the needs of this situation.

I trust you Lord God to remove all influences against me doing what you want me to do. Amen. And Lord God, please help me to let go of everything that does not match your plan for my life. Amen.

My part is to meditate upon the following and let God guide me into doing what He wants me to do.

Lord God, please lift me up in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

I am safe and secure in the love and presence of God.

Take one of my goal actions plans and revise it to reflect what is realistic and achievable in current circumstances, e.g. up to the wedding.

Today, all my troubles feel so far away
I have faced them and now they’re not here to stay
I need to get on with dreams and goals that I want to do
Because yesterday, today and tomorrow God’s love is here to stay.

Oh, I believe that God’s love and presence is here to stay. Thanks Lord.
Oh, I know that my feelings may tell me otherwise, so please help me Lord. Amen.

The Lord gives and Lord takes away. Blessed is the name of the Lord!

Oh, I have a dream...

One small step for man to God.
One giant leap for humankind...through Jesus. Goalllllllllllllllllll !